All the Broken Pieces
by Evie1989
Summary: UPDATED: Chapter 24 up now! Sam's discharged from the hospital and heads home with Tom {With Tom away on a friends stag do, Sam is looking forward to a weekend in front of the TV but when she decides to take an early morning run she encounters a stranger who will change her life for the worse}
1. Run

**Hey guys, this is a fic I've been wanting to write for a while but I know I'm not the best with dialogue etc but I thought I'd give it a go. I'll be drawing upon some of my own personal experiences within this fic so it kind of has a dual purpose as a story and also as an outlet for me. I'd love for your comments/constructive criticism on how to improve :)**

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_4.23am_

"Are you going to miss me?" Tom asked cheekily placing a kiss on Sam's lips before she could answer.

"Nope, I've got one shift then an entire weekend to watch my West Wing box sets and drink wine," Sam smiled, knowing how much he hated that show, "gonna miss me?"

"It would be hard to with all the hot Czech…" he noticed the playful glare Sam was giving him, "hot Czech women I'll have to save Danny from," he finished.

Tom was heading away for his friend Danny's stag weekend in Prague and the two had been playfully bickering about not missing each other for weeks. In reality though this was their first weekend apart since they had officially moved in together and both were a little hesitant. After a lot of trouble and arguments they were finally over the hurdles that had plagued their early relationship and were settled and happy with the way things were.

"Don't get too drunk," Sam warned, though Tom could see through her serious glare. Danny was a good bloke and she knew they wouldn't get into much trouble. Still it was fun to wind Tom up.

"You won't know if I do," Tom said in a singsong voice that Sam couldn't help but smile at.

"You've got everything?" she asked, "tickets, passport, pink tights…"

Tom went bright red at the thing Sam had said. "Don't think I didn't see you pack them," Sam smirked as Tom squirmed.

"They're for Danny, we've all had to take a piece of the costume, that was a the deal," he explained

"Yeah yeah I believe you," Sam smiled playfully as she checked her watch. She glanced over at the group of Tom's friends who were at the airport Weatherspoons, no doubt getting in an extremely early pint before the flight.

"You better go," she said, nodding over to the group who were now waving at the couple. One of the guys was holding up a pint and pointing at Tom.

"Duty calls," he said, placing one more kiss on Sam's lips before pulling her into a hug, "I love you,"

"I love you too," Sam replied

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Sam was wide awake by the time she got home, despite waking up early to take Tom to the airport. Her eyes lingered for a moment of the photo of her and Tom that had pride of place in the hallway and smiled. She could honestly say that for the first time in a long time she was truly happy. Throwing her keys and bag down she checked the clock. 5.05am, she wasn't due at work until 9am but if she went back to bed now she'd have a hell of a time getting up. Sam decided on going for a run instead, especially if she was going to spend the rest of the weekend sitting on the sofa.

She quickly got changed into her running gear and a hoody since it was still cold out. She glanced outside and saw that the sky was beginning to lighten though the sun was nowhere to be seen yet. Grabbing the spare key and her iPod Sam left the house and stepped into the cool morning air.

Sam deviated slightly from her normal route as she wanted to add a couple of extra miles and she entered St Paul's park just as the sun began to streak out from the horizon. The wind was crisp and the birds were singing, not yet outdone by the drone of the city's daily traffic. It was a beautiful morning, Sam mused as she pushed herself a little bit harder. If she was honest, she'd become a little lax with her exercise routine over the past few weeks, finding it harder and harder to leave Tom's warm arms of a morning.

She skipped to a faster song on her iPod, some techno rubbish that Tom liked but that she had to admit was great to run to, and took off to do a lap around the lake seeing as she had time before work. Sam had gotten about half way around the lake when her iPod ran out of battery. She took the opportunity to stop and stretch out a cramp and noted that she really needed to get back into running regularly.

"Excuse me," came a gruff voice from behind her. Sam whirled around and came face to face with a tall middle aged man, standing a little too close for comfort.

"Sorry to bother you," he said, "I've lost my dog, we were playing fetch and she just ran off I don't suppose you've seen her?"

Sam took a step back and took in the man's appearance. He seemed normal enough, but there was something about him that bugged her, not that she could put a name to it.

"No I'm sorry," Sam replied, "I haven't," she put her iPod in her pocket and pointed to the path, "I've got to go or I'll be late for work. I hope you find her," she said.

"Never mind," the man said, though he didn't move.

Sam turned to continue her run but then she figured it out, the thing that was bugging her. The man had claimed to have lost his dog but he had no lead in his hand. If the dog had been off the lead he would still have had it.

Fear dropped in the pit of her stomach like a lead ball. She could feel the adrenaline start to course through her veins but he must have picked up on her tenseness because before Sam had a chance to react he hit her with such force that she lost consciousness. He looked around quickly just to double check they were alone before he grabbed both of her wrists and started dragging her with ease towards the dense wood that edged the lake.

The scratching of the sharp stones and tree branches that she was being drug over roused Sam from her unconscious state. Her head was fuzzy and she felt sick, but as soon as her eyes focused she could see the man dragging her into the woods. She began to kick her legs furiously in an attempt to get free but he was unbelievably strong for a man of his build. He tightened his grip on her wrists as she twisted her body. It was no use, all she was achieving was sprained wrists.

"Get off me," Sam snarled, digging her heels into the soft ground in an attempt to slow him down, "Let me go. LET ME GO," she shouted, but he just looked down at her coldly. She could see it in his eyes, what he was going to do. Her anger quickly turned into fear and she began to panic, knowing that there was no way she could overpower this man "Help, someone help me," she screamed as loudly as her lungs would allow her. It earned her a sharp kick in the ribs from the man who laughed cruelly as she fought to catch her breath.

"There's no one here love, no one to scream for," he told her, "now just be a good girl and I won't have to hurt you," he taunted. Sam struggled to hold back tears of fear, there was no way she was going to give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry. No way.

tbc...

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**I'd really like to hear your comments :) Thank you xx **


	2. Discovery in the Park

**Hey guys, thank you so so much for the reviews, faves and follows. I certainly didn't expect that many for the first chapter. You've really inspired me to write more so I thought I'd update with the second chapter. Sorry guys, Sam's not going to be okay for a while but she's going to have people to help her. Please review, I love to hear your comments, good or bad so I can improve :) **

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_6.58am_

"Ronnie, Ronnie, come back boy" 72 year old Barnaby Flanagan called for his dog, an 8 year old golden retriever who had run off towards the woods.

"I'm getting too old for this," Barnaby muttered under this breath, as he trudged up the path by the lake. Ronnie had never quite grown out of the puppy stage mostly due to the fact that, as his wife so often told him, he spoilt the dog rotten.

He let out a sigh of relief as he spotted Ronnie's yellow coat through the trees. There was no point calling him again, whatever he had sniffed out was exciting enough for him to have ignored Barnaby thus far.

"What have you found this time boy?" Barnaby asked the dog, expecting to find the carelessly discarded remnants of someone's takeaway. Instead he got the shock of his life when he found a young woman lying in the dirt. Ronnie was nudging her head, but she didn't stir.

"Ronnie, come away now," Barnaby said sternly and the dog recognised that that was a tone of voice not to be played with, "Sit, there's a good boy."

Barnaby's attentions turned to the young woman, noticing her state of undress he quickly removed his coat and draped it over her. He had been in the St John Ambulance years back and though he hadn't renewed his first aid certificate in years he was certain he still knew the basics. Barnaby was relieved when he saw she was breathing and he felt a weak pulse in her neck. He reached into the pocket of his coat and pulled out the mobile phone his son had insisted on giving him. He'd never been more grateful for his son's overly protective nature as he dialled 999.

"Ambulance please," Barnaby said shakily as the operator asked him what service he required, "I'm in St Paul's park, by the north edge of the lake. There's a woman who's been beaten up, there's quite a bad cut on her head, she's breathing and has a pulse but she's unconscious and quite cold. I don't know how long she's been here."

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Jeff climbed into the ambulance and handed Dixie a bacon sandwich "Well you're not the one who's had to wear dirty boxers to work," he complained.

Dixie smirked at him before she took a bite of her sandwich, "I've told you before Jeffrey, I will not wash anyone else's underwear or socks,"

"But-" Jeff's protest was cut off by the crackle of the radio.

"Holby control to 3006 do you copy?"

"This is 3006, go ahead," Dixie said, trying to speak clearly even though she had a mouthful of bacon and bread.

"Assault victim, female, north edge of the lake in St Paul's park, unconscious but breathing,"

"Control, we're on our way, over," Dixie confirmed as Jeff switched on the blue lights and sirens.

* * *

The operator assured Barnaby that an ambulance would be with him shortly and to try and keep pressure on the cut on her head. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his handkerchief and pressed it gently against the cut on the woman's head.

"It's okay, help will be here soon," he said, not knowing if the woman could hear him or not. He winced as he felt a small pain in his chest. It would be just his luck for his angina to play up now of all times. He reached into the top pocket of his coat for his GTN spray just as the woman began to stir. She looked up and saw a man reaching over her and she panicked.

"Get off me, leave me alone," she said hoarsely, reaching up to bat his hand away, "DON'T TOUCH ME!" she shouted, the pain in her ribs and lower body meaning she couldn't do much more.

Barnaby retreated from the scared woman and reached for Ronnie who had picked up on the fact that something was wrong. "Just wait for the ambulance boy," he said, clutching his chest as the pain intensified.

He heard the sirens before he saw the ambulance and eventually he saw the vehicle drive carefully up the gravel path. He stood up to wave them over, before doubling over in pain.

"Hello," Dixie called out as she got out of the ambulance carrying the kit bag, "Can you tell me your name?" she asked the old man

"Barnaby…Barnaby Flanagan. The girl, she's…over there, scared…out of her…mind," Barnaby informed her between painful breaths.

"Jeff," Dixie shouted over, "Can you radio for another ambulance for Mr Flanagan here, I'm gonna go see to the woman, you stay with him,"

Jeff nodded and radioed for another ambulance before rushing over to Barnaby.

Dixie made her way carefully over to the young woman, mindful of what Barnaby had said about her being jumpy. She saw the woman attempt to curl up as she got closer and she stopped for a second to try and reassure her.

"Sweetheart I'm Dixie and I'm a paramedic, I'm here to help okay. Can you tell me your name?" Dixie said gently, getting no response.

She knelt down next to the woman and felt her pulse, it was weak and thready and her breathing was shallow. She reached for the oxygen and mask "Just gonna put this mask on you darling, help you breathe a bit easier okay," she said, pulling back the woman's blonde hair to get the mask on properly.

Dixie's breath caught in her throat as she saw the woman's face. One of her eyes was almost swollen shut and dark blue bruises were forming over her pale skin but there was no doubt that she recognised the woman.

"Oh no, Sam," she said quietly, not quite believing her eyes. Sam stirred at the sound of her own name, pulling away from Dixie and she struggled as the paramedic gently held her where she was.

"Sam, it's Dixie, it's alright, you're safe. You need to keep still until we get a collar on you darling alright?"

"Dixie?" Sam said quietly, squinting to focus out of her good eye, "hurts,"

"I know, I'll give you something for the pain now okay," Dixie reassured her as she drew 5mg of morphine in a syringe and quickly injected it into Sam's thigh.

She looked over and saw that the second ambulance had arrived and she called Jeff over as she continued to asses Sam's injuries. What she saw under the coat draped over Sam horrified her. Sam was covered in bruises and scratches and her ribs looked especially bad.

"Collar, board and a couple of blankets please," she shouted as she taped a bandage to the cut on Sam's head.

Dixie stood up to meet Jeff as he came over, "Jeff wait a second, it's Sam,"

"What?" he asked, screwing his face up in confusion.

"The assault victim, it's Sam," she said keeping her voice low.

"Oh God no," Jeff exclaimed, looking over Dixie's shoulder and seeing to his dismay that it was indeed Sam lying there.

"Do you knows who's on shift today?" Dixie asked.

"Dr Ashford's on the early, but Zoe's there until 9am I think,"

"Good we'll radio ahead and make sure it's Zoe treating her,"

"You don't think…" Jeff said sadly, realising what had happened to Sam was not a simple mugging.

"She's got barely any clothes on under that old boy's jacket and she's so jumpy Jeff," Dixie replied solemnly, "She's stable but we need to get a shift on," she said, suddenly snapping back into action.

Both paramedics walked over to Sam who despite the haze of the morphine and her throbbing head was awake and looking up at them with terror in her eyes. Dixie knelt down first checking her pulse and the bandage on her head, she could feel how tense Sam was, and knew it wasn't helping with her breathing.

"Sam, Jeff's here and he's going to help me get you into the ambulance. Is that okay?" Dixie asked kindly, not wanting to scare Sam any more than she already was.

"Alright princess," Jeff said quietly, still not believing that the broken woman in front of him was Sam.

Sam nodded stiffly and closed her eyes as another wave of pain washed through her. Her ribs felt like they were on fire and her head felt like it was going to explode. She let out a whimper of pain as the neck collar was put in place.

"How's the pain Sam?" Dixie asked as they rolled her on to the board and covered her with the thick blankets.

"Bad," Sam managed to get out one syllable in between painful short breaths. Dixie gave her another 5mg of morphine and checked her breath sounds as Jeff went to get the trolley. Both of Sam's lungs were clear which meant that her shallow breathing was most likely being brought on by a panic attack complicated by the fact that it was painful to take deep breaths with the damage to her ribs.

"Sam, can you try and slow your breathing down a little bit for me?" Dixie asked gently, removing the oxygen mask from her face. She noted the pain on Sam's face as she tried to breathe more deeply, "Sorry darling I know it's painful but you'll feel more comfortable when your breathing's a bit more even alright,"

Jeff returned with the trolley and they made quick work of getting Sam into the ambulance. Dixie went in the back with Sam, as she was still coaching her breathing and Jeff put in a call to the ED to request Zoe's assistance before he started the engine. The blare of the sirens made Sam jump, despite her having been in an ambulance multiple times before and she stared up at the ceiling of the ambulance, furiously blinking back tears that she didn't want to fall.

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**So that's the end of chapter 2. Hope that it was okay. Please review if you have the time :) xx**


	3. Wish I Wasn't Here

**Hey guys, once again I am overwhelmed by the reviews. You're all so nice and you inspire me to keep going so here's another update :) This fic is somewhat based on stuff that happened to me although it's not exactly the same as I changed some bits to work better for this story. One more thing to the reviewer who commented that I have stolen someone else's idea - It's not my intention for this story to resemble anyone else's. I've only just joined the site and haven't read many fics on here yet. If this story is too much like the one called 'Haunted' please let me know which bits and I'll try and change it but as I said it's based on my own experiences and I'm not copying anyone. Anyway this is chapter 3. Please leave your comments as I love reading them :)**

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_7.42am _

Dixie was pleased to see that Sam's GCS had improved on the journey to the ED, but for Sam this meant she was more awake and aware of what was going on, and she wanted more than anything to go back into the hazy numbness of before. The pain in her ribs was intense despite the 10mg of morphine she had been given and her whole body ached, she was dimly aware of Dixie holding her hand and she fought off the urge to pull her hand away as she knew the woman was only trying to comfort her.

Sam shook with fear as images from the attack flashed through her mind, she could still smell his breath and could feel where his hands had been wrapped around her throat. The thought of going to the ED didn't bring her much comfort, the fact that she was going to be seen in this state by her work colleagues was almost too much to bear. Her thoughts flashed to Tom and she shuddered as she imagined him seeing her like this.

"Don't-" Sam struggled to be heard over the sound of the sirens, "Don't tell Tom," she finished as Dixie brought her head closer to be able to hear what Sam was saying.

"Are you sure darling?" Dixie asked, concern evident on her face.

"Don't tell him, please, please," Sam replied, shaking her head furiously despite the agonising pain it was causing her.

"Okay, okay, calm down, we won't" Dixie soothed, though she knew it wasn't a good idea.

Dixie saw that Sam became even tenser when the ambulance stopped outside the entrance to the ED. Her heart went out to Sam and she couldn't imagine what she must be feeling.

"We'll have you inside in a minute," Dixie reassured her, though she got no answer from Sam, who had closed her eyes in an attempt to retreat back into herself.

Jeff and Dixie quickly unloaded Sam from the ambulance and made their way through the entrance to the ED. Jeff spotted Robyn and Fletch by reception as they walked towards resus.

"Fletch mate, could you give us a hand?" Jeff asked, knowing Sam and Fletch were quite close friends.

Fletch ran over to the trolley and did a double take as he saw who was lying there. "No way," he said, shaking his head and Dixie just looked at him sadly. As Jeff had radioed ahead, when they got to resus, Zoe was waiting for them by a screened off area.

"Alright Zoe, Sam Nicholls, 28, found beaten and unconscious in a park. GCS was 12 but rose to 14 on the journey, BP 100 over 55. Large laceration to the side of her face and serious bruising to the ribs and abdomen. She's had 10mg of morphine but it doesn't seem to have done much," Jeff reeled off the details to Zoe in as professional a voice as he could muster.

"On my count, 1, 2, 3," Fletch said, supervising the move of Sam from the trolley to the bed. She whimpered at the movement, clutching at the blankets that covered her.

"Fletch can you get a line in? Tess I want FBC's, U&Es and cross match 2 units just in case," Zoe ordered, taking control of the situation.

As Fletch and Tess got to work, Dixie pulled Zoe off to the side, "She hasn't said so but there's definitely evidence of sexual assault. And she was very adamant she doesn't want Tom called," Dixie said sadly as Zoe sighed.

"That's not a great idea," Zoe sighed again, "Thanks Dixie, we'll take it from here," she said, turning her attention back to the patient.

She checked Sam's pupil function, being careful with the eye that was swollen shut. Zoe could sense that Sam was getting agitated and it was important that she lie still until her neck and spine were cleared.

"Sam, it's Zoe. Can you hear me?" Zoe asked.

Sam was fully aware of everything that was going on around her. She knew that Fletch was at her right side inserting an IV line and Tess was at her left, taking blood from the crook of her arm. Someone else was attempting to remove the blankets that were covering her. She knew she didn't want anyone touching her but she felt too weak to fight back. She knew that Zoe was standing by her head, speaking to her in a concerned voice that she didn't hear very often. She knew her body was on fire from the pain and she knew that she would rather be anywhere but here. She heard Zoe talking to her, her voice getting more insistent and Sam opened her eyes slowly, knowing that was going to have to try and cooperate.

"Can you hear me?" Zoe asked again, relieved that Sam had opened her eyes.

Sam nodded and grimaced as another wave of pain washed over her body.

"Do you know where you are?"

"Holby ED," Sam replied in a hoarse voice.

"How's your pain on a scale of 1-10?" Zoe asked kindly, checking the cut underneath the bandage that Dixie had placed at the scene.

"8," Sam responded.

"Okay Fletch can we get 10mg of morphine please," Zoe called, "and Tess can you call up to CT and x ray,"

Zoe turned her attention back to Sam, "Can you tell me where it hurts Sam?"

"M-my head and my ribs," Sam said purposefully neglecting to let Zoe know she was injured elsewhere as well. She didn't want people thinking she was a victim. It was bad enough that they had already seen her like this.

Seeing as she had already checked Sam's head injury and a CT scan was booked, Zoe started to move the blankets that were covering her so she could check her ribs and abdomen.

"No, don't" Sam cried out in the strongest voice Zoe had heard since she was brought in. She clutched at the blankets, terror etched on her face at the thought of being exposed in a room full of people.

"Sam it's alright I just need to check your ribs and abdomen and I can't do it through these blankets," Zoe reasoned, though Sam continued to tightly hold the blanket with both hands. Her eyes flitted over to Fletch and Tess and back to Zoe. It took a couple of seconds for Zoe to get the message but she pulled the screens round so they were totally shielding the bed from the rest of resus.

"Just me, okay?" Zoe said and Sam reluctantly let go of the blankets. As Zoe folded them down Sam screwed her eyes shut in shame, there was barely any clothing left on her body. Zoe took in the details of the bruising that was evident all over Sam's torso and with sadness noted the dark blue-purple marks on her hips and thighs, knowing that Dixie's suspicions were true. Still Sam hadn't mentioned anything and Zoe knew better than to push her too far at this stage. She could broach the subject when her x rays and head CT had been completed. Sam flinched as Zoe felt the area around her ribs.

"I think there's at least one broken, possibly more," Zoe said, before moving to Sam's abdomen, "Do you have any pain here?"

"A little," Sam said, her breath catching as Zoe felt a particularly tender spot.

"I don't think you're at major risk of internal bleeding but we'll do an ultrasound when you get back from x ray just to make sure okay?" Zoe informed her, pulling the blankets back up, hoping that being covered again would help Sam to relax a little. Sam gave a tiny nod in response.

"I'll get you into a gown so you'll be a bit more comfortable is that okay?" Zoe asked. She didn't usually undertake the task of getting patients into gowns herself but she realised that Sam had put a little trust in her and it was important to maintain it.

Sam nodded again, her eyes focusing on the ceiling.

"Are you sure you don't want us to contact Tom for you?" Zoe asked gently, thought she was sure she already knew the answer.

"I don't want him here," Sam replied with a strength that belied her current physical condition.

"Okay, okay," Zoe replied, putting her hands up in surrender.

It took a little while and a lot of coaxing to get Sam into the gown and Zoe made sure to bag the remnants of Sam's clothing. Tess called from behind the screen that X ray and CT were ready and Zoe could see the relief on Sam's face when Fletch said he would take her up himself rather than get a porter to do it. As she watched Sam's bed be wheeled away she wondered how she was going to talk to Sam when she got back.

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**So there's chapter 3. Hope it was okay. Wanted to get another chapter up for you guys tonight! Please keep your comments coming :) Evie xx**


	4. The Truth

**Hey guys, sorry I haven't got round to thanking people for the chapter 3 review yet, I'll get right on it. Thanks especially to xHanaMitchx and Minxheart who have left lovely reviews for all 3 chapters :) So on with chapter 4...**

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_8.31am_

The results of Sam's head CT and x rays were back before Fletch got back with Sam. Luckily there was no evidence of serious head trauma and the only break she had was 2 fractured ribs.

"It's good news," Zoe said as Fletch wheeled Sam back into resus. "Your head CT and spinal x ray was clear so this collar can come off," she informed Sam as Fletch locked the bed into place and hung the IV bag back up.

"Thanks Fletch," Zoe said, and Fletch took this cue to busy himself with tidying some of the equipment they had used earlier.

Zoe removed the collar from around Sam's neck and raised the bed slowly so she was in a sitting position. Sam winced as the bed was raised but Zoe could see on her face that she was not in as much pain as earlier.

"You've got two broken ribs on your left side but apart from that it's mainly severe bruising," Zoe explained, holding up the x rays for Sam to look at but the blonde wasn't taking much notice.

"Lucky me," Sam said quietly but the remark didn't go unnoticed by Zoe.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Zoe asked tentatively, apprehensive of Sam's reaction.

Sam visibly baulked at the question. She was doing her best to keep the recent events out of her mind and Zoe's question hadn't helped at all.

"Some kid in a hoody beat me up for my iPod," Sam lied, even though she knew in her heart that it was futile.

Zoe didn't let on that she knew Sam's iPod was in fact still in the pocket of her ripped leggings, "Are you sure you're not hurt anywhere else?" Zoe pressed, hoping that Sam would open up to her. She couldn't examine her without her consent and it looked like Sam was going to keep up the façade.

"Yes," was Sam's one syllable answer, "Can I go home?" she asked, wanting nothing more than to get out of the ED, have a shower and scrub away the feeling of him from her body. With every minute that passed she felt more and more disgusting which was hitching her anxiety levels higher and higher.

"Sorry not yet," Zoe replied, wary of the panic that was beginning to show on Sam's face, "You have a head injury and that cut on your head needs suturing," she reasoned with the panicked woman.

"Listen, you're safe here" Zoe said, reaching for Sam's hand before second guessing herself. Sam was incredibly jumpy and she didn't want to agitate her any further. "If you change your mind or you want to talk about anything I'm here okay?"

Sam didn't respond instead she turned her head away from Zoe and focused on the steady bleeping of the heart monitor. She couldn't talk to Zoe, she couldn't talk to anyone. It was too hard.

"I'll send Fletch in to see to that cut," Zoe told Sam before she left room, disappointed with herself that she was getting nowhere with Sam.

* * *

Sam sat silently as Fletch closed the cut on the side of her head. She had so much morphine coursing through her system that she didn't even feel the sting of the lidocaine as he had injected it around the wound. She was faintly aware of Fletch telling her that the scar would be so close to her hairline it would be barely visible when it was healed. She was keeping her eyes averted because the one time she had made eye contact with him he'd had pity written all over his face. She had seen it in his eyes and sensed it in the way he had been so gentle, warning her before he did every little thing. He knew, just like Zoe and Dixie did. But somewhere in the back of her brain a voice was telling her that if she didn't say it out loud it hadn't happened. And if it hadn't happened then she wasn't a victim.

Sam Nicholls wasn't used to feeling weak and defenceless. She had faced roadside bombs and machine gun fire in a war zone, she'd treated patients in conditions so hellish you wouldn't believe. But here she was, broken by one person. By one man who had inflicted more damage than any bullets ever could.

"Sam," Fletch said gently, placing his hand carefully on Sam's shoulder, "Sam,"

"Hmm," she responded turning her head but still not meeting his eyes.

"All done," he smiled, indicating at Sam's head. "Now Zoe wants to keep you in for observation, but would you rather be moved to cubicles or stay in here? We're not very busy at the moment so resus is free if you want some privacy to talk to the police,"

Sam felt the bile rise up in her throat as Fletch mentioned the police. In all the confusion and chaos she had forgotten that it was protocol for them to be called.

"I don't want to talk to the police," Sam said defiantly, breathing as deeply as she could with her damaged ribs, trying to ward off the nausea rolling in her stomach. She saw the look on Fletch's face and she knew he was going to attempt to change her mind. "I mean it," she added, "I just want to go home."

Before Fletch had a chance to respond, Sam went deathly pale and as she covered her mouth her realised she was going to vomit. Luckily he was able to get a basin for her quickly enough that she didn't throw up all over her self. Fletch held the basin and rubbed Sam's back gently until she was done.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Fletch asked kindly, handing Sam a tissue to wipe her mouth.

She shook her head defiantly, "I already told Zoe, I got beaten up for my iPod,"

Fletch sighed and Sam could tell he didn't believe her. If she had been treating herself at this moment in time she wouldn't even believe her. "Those bruises on your wrists," Fletch started, "they're not typical mugging injuries. You know that," he said softly.

Sam tried her hardest to shut out what Fletch was saying to her. She closed her eyes and shook her head as he gently held her arms. It didn't matter that he was being careful it just reminded her of how the man's hands had tightened around her wrists as he dragged her into the woods. A couple of silent tears slipped out from beneath her closed eyes.

"Leave it Fletch, please," she begged quietly, her voice uneven.

"You're safe here Sam, no one's going to hurt you," Fletch soothed as he realised that Sam was getting more panicked. He didn't want her to have a full blown panic attack.

"I WISH PEOPLE WOULD STOP SAYING THAT!" Sam shouted, pulling her arms away from Fletch. He recoiled quickly, shocked at the sudden outburst from the shaking woman in front of him.

"Go away," Sam said, turning away from him, despite the fresh pain it brought her to do so.

Fletch made his way to the door, knowing that he had pushed Sam too far. He made up his mind to go and talk to Zoe, to see if she would be any better. After all, Sam would probably feel more comfortable with a woman looking after her. Fletch had done his best but there was no more he could do at this point. It broke his heart to see one of his best friends struggling so much and not be able to do anything about it.

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8.56am

After speaking with Fletch Zoe managed to persuade the police officers that Sam was too ill to talk at the current time. It certainly wouldn't help matters if Sam saw them hanging around when she obviously wasn't ready to talk. She made her way back to resus and saw that Sam was facing away from the door, pretending to be asleep but Zoe could tell from the way she tensed up when she walked closer that Sam was faking.

"Sam," she said softly, even though she knew that Sam knew she was there already, "I need to take some more bloods,"

"What for?" Sam replied, not bothering to move and face Zoe.

Zoe paused for a minute, cautious of how things were going to play out, "It's for an STD screen," she explained, and she waited with baited breath for Sam's reaction.

"Don't be so stupid, what would I need that for?" Sam asked angrily, still keeping her face hidden for fear it would betray how strongly she was speaking.

Zoe walked around to the opposite side of the bed to try and make eye contact with Sam, and to reason with her, "Come on Sam,"

"You're being ridiculous," Sam retorted, pushing herself up in the bed, but she was unable to keep the panic from showing in her voice, there was a burning lump in her throat as she struggled to stop herself from crying.

"Listen to me," Zoe said firmly, "it's your right if you don't want to go to the police, and it's your right if you don't want to tell me what really happened but Sam, think about the long term effects of this. This could potentially affect your career. I know that it's hard but you at least need to let me do these tests and give you emergency contraception. At least,"

Sam looked into Zoe's eyes and she knew that her friend was right, still it didn't stop the whole thing from being overwhelming. All of the fear and the emotions of the past few hours finally caught up with Sam and she dropped her head to her hands as a choked sob escaped her mouth.

"Oh god," she cried, tears streaming down her face, "he raped me Zoe," Sam finally admitted.

* * *

**Thank you so much for reading. I'd love to hear your comments :) Evie xx**


	5. Finding Strength

**Hey guys, thank you so much for all the reviews. I do try and get around to thanking everyone via PM but I've got a bit behind. Sorry about that. So here is chapter 5, which was a bit difficult for me to write. All of the details are correct but I've toned things down to match the rating. I don't see the need for anything really graphic in this fic at all because it's just not productive imo. Please leave a comment if you have time :)**

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_8.54am_

"Oh god," Sam kept her head buried in her hands, not able to make eye contact with Zoe as she processed the enormity of what she had just said. All at once it felt as if a thousand weights had been lifted off her shoulders but at the same time the shame she was feeling increased tenfold. The pain in her ribs was ignited with each sob and she struggled to try and control them as the tears kept coming. She was grateful that Zoe had chosen to give her some space because she was sure if the other woman hugged her now she would lose it completely.

Zoe stood for a moment as she took in what her broken friend had said. She had expected it of course, but it was so different when you hear someone say it. Especially if that person was someone you cared about and considered a friend. All of Sam's body language was warning Zoe away from physical contact so she tried to verbally reason with her instead.

"Sam," she said gently, "It's okay, it's okay."

Zoe readjusted the screens around to bed to give them more privacy and then she resumed her position by the head of the bed. Sam's breathing had become erratic and Zoe was afraid she was going to have a panic attack. The stress wouldn't be good for her ribs either and she noticed how Sam's body tensed with pain every time she took a breath.

"Sam, you need to slow your breathing down, you're having a panic attack," Zoe spoke gently but firmly, she knew Sam wouldn't appreciate being talked to like a child, "Can you open your eyes?"

Sam could hear Zoe's voice intermingled with flashbacks of the attack and she was trying desperately to pull herself back to the present but her mind seemed intent on dragging her back. Her hands reached blindly until she found the sides of the bed and she gripped the bars, trying to ground herself back in the here and now. Slowly but surely she opened her eyes and the room came into focus. Zoe was at her right side, the screens were shielding the bed from the rest of resus and when she saw these things she began to calm down. The tears stopped, her breathing became more even and the worried look on Zoe's face softened a bit.

"That's it, there you go," Zoe smiled kindly, thankful that the situation was under control.

Sam let go of the bars and wiped the remainder of the tears from her face. Embarrassed at what had just happened se diverted her attention to an edge of the blanket that was frayed and began picking at the thread, "I'm so sorry Zoe, I don't normally-"

Zoe shook her head and cut her off before she had a chance to finish the sentence, "Well it hasn't exactly been a normal day Sam, don't worry about it okay?"

Sam nodded and kept picking at the blanket.

"Is it okay if I take the bloods?" Zoe asked softly, to which Sam nodded again, "And do you want emergency contraception?" Another nod.

"Look Sam," Zoe started, "This is just a suggestion and you don't have to if you don't want to," Zoe noticed that Sam didn't look up to face her as she was talking, instead she kept on picking at the frayed blanket, "but I think it would be a good idea for you to have a forensic exam, at the very least to check you over, you could have internal injuries"

"No Zoe, I-"

"Listen, it doesn't mean you have to go to the police, it just gives you that option if you change your mind," Zoe explained.

"I don't think I can," Sam said shakily. The thought alone made her feel physically sick and she was sure she wouldn't be able to cope with it.

"My shift finished at 9, I can go with you," Zoe offered, "If you want. There's absolutely no pressure,"

Sam toyed with the idea for a moment. The rational part of her brain knew that Zoe was right, she herself had seen dozens of women in this very situation and she'd been the one suggesting a forensic exam. She just had no idea exactly how hard it had been for them until now. She knew that for the sake of her health and her future she needed to get checked out, but still it was almost impossible to imagine being able to sit through it.

"If I get there and change my mind that's okay?" Sam asked tentatively, not comfortable with agreeing to anything outright.

"It'll all go at your pace and if you change your mind, we'll leave. You're in control here?" Zoe reassured her.

"Ok."

* * *

_9.32am_

The SARC was only on the second floor but it took a while to get there. Sam had insisted that no one see her leave resus and so they had had to wait until the coast was clear and then go the long way round. Zoe hadn't got the heart to tell her that her name and details had been logged into the system when she had first been brought in and that it was probably common knowledge that she was here. Sam had also refused a wheelchair much to Zoe's dismay and the pace was pretty slow going.

When they reached the entrance Sam froze. She swayed on her feet a little and Zoe moved behind her anticipating a faint. Sam managed to steady herself though and she stood and stared at the doorway.

"Are you sure you don't want Tom," Zoe asked for what felt like the 30th time. Sam shook her head. "This isn't really something you're going to be able to keep from him," Zoe reasoned, to which Sam looked her straight in the eye and said,

"How can I let him see me like this?"

Zoe knew she didn't have an answer that would satisfy Sam, so she left it and instead held open the door for Sam to enter. With it being relatively early the centre was empty and Sam was able to be seen straight away.

The first part of the examination was fairly benign and Sam didn't seem too fussed by it. Zoe guessed she was trying her hardest to zone out most of it because she barely responded when the nurse took samples of her hair and clipped her fingernails. Swabs were taken from her mouth, her cheek and her neck. Next came more blood tests and Sam passively stretched out her arm ready for the needle.

Then came the long list of questions and Zoe always forgot how personal they were. Sam seemed to shrink back into the bed more and more as she dutifully gave the nurse the details she wanted and Zoe tried her hardest not to listen in. If there was nothing else she could give Sam she could at least try and respect her privacy.

Sam had managed to only be as present in her mind as she needed to be for the majority of examination, exhaustion and morphine were helping her with that. But when the nurse had informed her of the next stage, she was ripped out of that place of denial and back into the brightly lit room. She forced her breathing under control as the nurse took pictures of all of her injuries, pausing between each one to make a note of the image number on the paperwork. Sam had never felt so degraded in her life, sitting there while the nurse rearranged the hospital gown to get the best shot of the wounds that man had inflicted upon her. It took all of her strength to sit through it, all the while knowing the worst was yet to come.

Zoe was sitting with her head down, knowing that crowding Sam was probably not a good idea. If Sam needed her to do anything different than what she was doing, then Zoe assumed she would let her know. Sam was dealing remarkably well with everything so far, but Zoe couldn't help but hear Sam's sharp intakes of breath every time the camera flashed.

"We're almost done here Sam okay," the nurse said sweetly, "Can you just shuffle down to the end of the bed for me and I'll just get everything set up,"

Sam heard the nurse and watched as she set up all the equipment that she needed but she didn't move an inch.

"Come on lovie, almost done," the nurse encouraged, with a smile that was too bright and too fake for Sam to be able to trust.

"Z-Zoe," Sam called meekly, "I can't, I can't do this,"

Zoe brought the stool she was sitting on over the the side of the bed and sat down to face Sam. Her eyes were wide with fear and she was shaking and Zoe wanted nothing more than to reach over and hug her but she was pretty sure Sam wouldn't tolerate that. Instead she reached to gently hold Sam's hand and hoped she didn't pull away.

"This is the most important thing okay. And I know this is horrible and scary and unfair, but I'm right here. You're not doing this on your own," Zoe said, rubbing small circles on the back of Sam's hand, "You _can_ do this Sam but it's your choice."

Sam thought about all she had been through already and she realised how all of that would be for nothing if she didn't finish what she'd started. The questions and the photos, they would be worthless. She squeezed Zoe's hand, grateful for the support, "Please stay with me," Sam whispered, as if she were afraid Zoe would refuse.

"Of course," Zoe agreed.

* * *

With the hardest part over with, Zoe had no trouble coaxing Sam into a wheelchair on the way down to the ED. Luckily none of her internal injuries were too serious, but there would be a period of healing before she was anywhere near normal again.

Enduring the internal exam had ignited a sort of fire in Sam. She had just undergone the single hardest thing in her life, harder than she'd ever imagined she'd have to face and she was angry. She was angry with the man who had put her in that position. She realised that the fear she was feeling wasn't going to go away, not while he was still free. She was so grateful to Zoe for being so insistent on the forensic exam. Sam was exhausted and in pain but she knew what she had to do.

"Zoe," Sam said as they got back into resus, "I - I want to talk to the police."

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**That's the end of chapter 5. Thanks for reading. Evie xx**


	6. The Facts

**Hey guys, here is chapter 6. Again I've kind of left the graphic descriptions out. i didn't really feel like writing it in detail, it's not really necessary and you get the gist of it anyway. In a couple of chapters I will be focusing this fic more on Sam's recovery and how she gets her life back to normal after the attack. Just one more little thing - Tom will be coming back in 1 or 2 chapters time (depending on how long I make chapter 7) so I wonder how he's going to react when he finds out about Sam? Well ofc I kind of know already but please leave your thoughts in the comments if you have a chance :)**

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_10:35am_

Sam was sat awkwardly on the edge of the bed contemplating how to get into the scrubs Zoe had brought her to wear. She'd wanted to be out of the flimsy hospital gown and had asked for the scrubs despite having clothes in her locker because she didn't want to put on her own clothes while she still felt dirty. Slowly she managed to kick both of her feet into the bottoms and then wrapped her arm tightly around her ribs to support them as she bent down to pull them up with her other hand. Sam groaned in pain as she moved but she managed to get the scrub bottoms into place. The top was then relatively easy and she sat back in the bed, slightly more comfortable now she was in decent clothing.

"Sam," Zoe called from behind the screen, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm done," Sam replied.

"Do you want to go and sit in the relatives room?" Zoe asked, coming back through the screens, "It's much more comfortable in there and you can have some tea,"

Sam looked up at Zoe but stayed silent for a moment. Walking to the relatives room meant walking past reception and there was no way she'd get there without being seen. "I don't want anyone to know I'm here," Sam said, looking at Zoe hopefully.

Zoe sighed and rubbed the back of her neck trying to massage out the tension that had gathered there, "Sam when you came in your details were put onto the system, paperwork was sent down from pathology, x ray and CT. You know the protocol," Zoe explained gently, hoping that Sam wouldn't be too upset.

Sam opened her mouth to say something but then she stopped, going over what Zoe had said in her head. "No, they can't know," Sam said, shaking her head

"All anyone could know is what was on the original work up. The forensic exam is a separate entity altogether and that's not logged down here," Zoe reassured her, "So if anyone's seen your chart for any reason they won't know anything different from what you said when you first came in."

"But you and Dix-"

"Me, Dixie, Jeff, Fletch and Tess are still bound by confidentiality. Just because we're also your friends doesn't mean we can go around saying what we like okay. It's your choice what you decide to tell people, but they are going to know you've been hurt." Zoe said, hoping that it was enough to quell Sam's fears.

"Okay," Sam said in a defeated voice, "might as well go now then,"

Sam hopped down off of the bed ignoring Zoe's offer of help. If she was going to walk through reception she was at least going to do it through her own strength and with her head held high. She didn't want anyone else knowing what that man had taken from her. Sam kept her eyes to the ground as she walked out of resus and round the corner to reception, not looking up or making eye contact with anyone but she could almost feel them watching her as she and Zoe made their way to the relatives room. Zoe caught sight of Noel not so subtly elbowing Big Mac and then pointing at Sam and she shot him a look which made him scarper pretty quickly.

Much to Sam's relief, Zoe shut the blinds when they got into the room, and the buzz of the ED was replaced instead by a quiet calm. Sam sat down cautiously in one of the armchairs, wincing as the movement jarred her ribs. She wrapped her arms around herself and shivered.

"Are you cold?" Zoe asked, reaching for the blanket that was draped over the back of the sofa.

"No, not really, I'm just…" Sam's sentence trailed off mid sentence and she shivered again.

"It'll be the morphine and the adrenaline wearing off," Zoe explained, realising that Sam was in mild shock, "I know you don't usually have sugar in your tea but it'll help you feel a bit better alright," Zoe said, busying herself with making the tea.

When it was done she handed a steaming mug to Sam who wrapped her hands around it, grateful to have something to hold on to. Even though Sam had said she wasn't cold, Zoe got the blanket and draped it around Sam's shoulders anyway.

A light knock on the door made Sam jump slightly and she gasped as a little of the hot liquid splashed on to her hands. It wasn't enough to scald though and Sam wiped her hands on the scrub bottoms while Zoe opened the door.

"The police are here," Tess informed Zoe, and she poked her head out of the door to see two CID officers standing by reception.

"Can you send them in," Zoe asked, "And Tess, can you try and just keep everyone focused on what they're supposed to be doing instead of talking about what's going on in here,"

"I'll try," Tess said, waving the officers down.

Zoe stepped back into the room and walked over to Sam, "The police are here," she said gently, noticing how Sam shuddered at the word, "Are you ready?"

"Y-yes," came Sam's shaky reply, "Zoe, I um, I… can I do this bit on my own please," Sam asked, knowing that at this point in time she couldn't recount the event of the morning while someone she knew was present, it was much easier to detach from a situation when you were talking to strangers.

"Of course. You can call me in if you need alright," Zoe smiled and adjusted the blanket around Sam so it was pulled more snugly around her. "I'm going to let them in now,"

Sam just responded with a nod. The police officers stepped in and greeted Zoe before she left and closed the door behind her. Sam took a deep breath and looked up at the officers and let out a sigh of relief when she saw they were both female.

"Hello Sam," one of the officers said. She had honest eyes and an easy smile that Sam could tell was genuine and it immediately put her at ease, "I'm Detective Inspector Myles and this is Detective Sergeant Holdsworth," she said, indicating to the blonde woman standing next to her. "Just before we start I just want you to know that you're in control of this. If you want to stop, or take a break at any point just let us know okay?"

"Okay," Sam replied quietly, before taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly. She was trying her best to keep calm and so far it was working. The two police officers sat down on the sofa opposite and produced a tape recorder, a pad of paper and a pen. DS Holdsworth was poised to take down notes as DI Myles started speaking.

"Okay Sam, in your own words, can you tell me what happened this morning?"

* * *

Sam had previously thought that going through the forensic exam was the hardest thing she had ever done. She was wrong. As she had sat there recounting the events of the morning to the police officers she had grown more and more distressed. She had struggled to find the words to describe the things he had done but the officers kept gently telling her that she had to be as detailed as she possibly could. The cruelest thing was, whilst everything else was fresh in her memory and easily accessible, she was finding it hard to give an accurate description of him besides the basics; average height, average build, average face. There was no distinguishing characteristic, no tattoo or piercing or scar that she could remember that would potentially identify her attacker. It made her feel powerless and even more vulnerable than she had before. DI Myles and DS Holdsworth had remained positive about her mediocre description of him but had been honest in telling her that the best chance they had of catching him was with the DNA from the forensic exam. This brought little comfort to Sam because she knew if he hadn't been caught before, the DNA evidence was as good as useless. Sam had expected to feel some kind of closure after she had talked to the police, some kind of assurance that it was going to be dealt with but she realised that it was far from over.

The officers gave Sam a card with their numbers on for Sam to call if she remembered anything else and they said they'd be in touch within the next couple of days. They were mentioning identity parades and potentially working with an eFit artist to try and get a better description of his face but by this point Sam was zoned out so completely that she wasn't responding to them anymore. The officers excused themselves and Zoe came back into the room carrying her things and a gym bag.

Sam was in a worse state than when she had left her, but Zoe had expected this. The tea she had made was half drunk, now abandoned on the floor and Sam had pulled the blanket so tightly round her shoulders she looked as if she had disappeared into it.

"Hey," Zoe said softly, kneeling down in front of Sam carefully to avoid startling her, "How are you doing?"

"I want to get out of here," Sam said, her voice threatening to break with unshed tears.

"I thought you might," Zoe said, indicating the gym bag on her shoulder which Sam recognised to be hers, "I sorted the discharge papers and you're coming home with me,"

"Oh, no- Zoe I'm..it's fine you've done en-" Sam said apologetically, shaking her head to emphasize her point.

"You have a head injury, you should really be in for observation but I'm taking responsibility for you, and it's no trouble at all," Zoe explained warmly, holding her arm out for Sam to lean on as she got out of the chair, "You can have a shower and get some rest, how does that sound?"

To Sam the thought of a shower was the best thing she had heard all day. She had been longing to scrub herself clean and get into her own clothes. "Thank you Zoe," Sam said, "For everything, I'm so sorry,"

"Don't be silly," Zoe said rubbing Sam's shoulder soothingly, "You have nothing to apologise for. Come on lets go."

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**Thanks for reading :) Evie xx**


	7. Rock Bottom

**A/N: So here is chapter 7. I wanted to get a bit into Sam's mind in this – Hope you enjoy reading it (if enjoy is the right word) Thank you so much for the reviews so far :D I won't be updating until Sunday night at the earliest because I am currently in Wales seeing a friend (not Cardiff though, sob sob) I wrote this on the train! Please leave a comment if you have time :)**

* * *

Sam had had the blanket wrapped so tightly around her shoulders she looked like she was clinging on for dear life. Zoe didn't have the heart to tell her to leave it behind and besides, she could easily bring it back. It had been a bit of a mission to get Sam out of the ED with minimal contact with anyone. Of course by now word had got around to the people on shift that morning that Sam had been brought in and obviously they were concerned for their colleague and friend. But the one thing Sam needed most was to not be crowded by people. As she had walked slowly with Sam towards the exit Zoe had warned anyone who moved to approach them with a subtle shake of her head. Thankfully everyone had gotten the hint. Sam herself didn't acknowledge anyone, she just kept her head down, wrapped in the imaginary security of the blanket, and she didn't say a word to Zoe all the way back to Zoe's flat.

"Here we are," Zoe announced as she haphazardly parallel parked between a motorbike and a range rover, "I like coming back after everyone else has left for work, means I get a decent space," Zoe said, not really expecting Sam to be up for conversation.

"Which one is yours?" Sam asked quietly to a surprised Zoe.

"At the top, you see the one with the dead plants in the window?" Zoe said, pointing to the third floor, "Let's go," Zoe said kindly, stepping out of the car.

* * *

Zoe had skipped giving Sam the grand tour of her 2 bedroom flat. She knew that all the other woman really want to do was to have a shower and rest so she got two fluffy towels out of the airing cupboard, showed Sam where all the wash stuff was and said to call her if she needed anything, not that she expected her to.

Zoe had told her not to lock the door but Sam did anyway. She'd also told her not to have the water too hot, to be careful of her concussion but Sam had turned the heat dial up to maximum regardless. She let the steam fill the room while she worked herself up to getting undressed and waited for the mirrors to mist up, the last thing she wanted was to see her reflection. Getting undressed posed her the opposite problem as it had earlier. The bottoms were easy to slip off but she had trouble with the top, it was awkward to get off now the adrenaline and painkillers had worn off. Sam made a mental note to take more when she'd finished. She stepped into the steaming water, careful not to even glace down at her body for fear of seeing what he had inflicted upon her.

The red hot water stung like acid as it hit the multitude of scratches on her back and she gasped at this sharp new pain. One that was so very different to the constant dull throbbing of the rest of her body. It felt better, even, like a distraction. It focused her mind on the thing she needed to do. To get clean.

Sam started as she would in her usual shower routine, with her hair. Her ribs protested as she lifted her hands to lather the shampoo in her hair but she ignored the pain. Once, twice, three times she washed her hair. It didn't feel enough but Sam was afraid of the hot water running out. She reached for the exfoliating sponge she had found in Zoe's cupboard and poured too much shower gel on it, then she meticulously started scrubbing her body from her fingertips down to her toes. Again and again. As time passed she became less aware of the scratching of the sponge on her skin, of the pressure she was putting on her already bruised body, she didn't even notice the blood dripping down her face from where her stitches had loosened in the water.

It wasn't like on TV, Sam realised. You couldn't just sit in a bathtub and let the shower rain down on you and wash you clean. She was scrubbing her skin as hard as she could physically stand, her teeth clenched in frustration and still she didn't feel clean. It slowly dawned on her that no amount of washing or scrubbing or shower gel would be able to clean her mind.

Defeated and shivering, _when had the water gone cold?_ Sam stepped out and wrapped herself in the towel Zoe had left for her. In her agitated state Sam didn't realise that the water had been running cold long enough that the mirrors had cleared and as she turned around she came face to face with the reflection she had tried so desperately to avoid.

Sam stared, shocked at the face in the mirror that she barely recognised as her own. The left side of her face was black and blue, her eye was so swollen there was no wonder she was having trouble opening it and she glimpsed purple fingertip bruises around the tops of her arms before she tore her gaze away in disgust. Sam had never been vain, this wasn't about beauty. Seeing the physical evidence of what she had been through, of what he had done was plain to see. _It was real._

Sam choked back a sob and fled the bathroom, slamming the door to Zoe's spare room behind here. She was dimly aware of Zoe calling out to her, asking if she was okay and a simple "yes" was all Sam could muster in the midst of her ever increasing panic. Her skin was crawling with the thought of him and Sam rubbed the towel harshly against her already battered flesh. It wasn't helping and it wasn't stopping. Somehow she managed to pull on her clothes but when she saw fresh blood dripping from the cut on her head onto her t shirt Sam dropped to her knees, unable to do anything else through the blinding panic she was feeling.

She fought to catch her breath as she planted her hands on the ground, desperately trying to cling some sort of reality. In the back of her mind she knew she wasn't back there at the park but the fear in her mind was taking over. She could feel his hands around her wrists and his breath on her face, she shivered as she remembered how he'd whispered in her ear. That was Tom's thing, she used to love it and now that man had ruined it, just like he'd ruined her.

Sam let out a keening wail as she laid her head on her hands, curling up into a tiny ball; seemingly oblivious to her broken ribs. Heavy sobs escaped her mouth, stopping and starting as she hyperventilated, dry sobs because she was too far gone for tears. She was locked in that primal part of her mind and felt only one emotion. Fear.

Zoe, who had come to the room upon hearing Sam's distress was taken aback by what she found. Sam was curled up in a way she thought would be impossible for someone with fractured ribs, shaking violently and sobbing, completely unaware of anything going on around her. Zoe knew she had to be careful, knowing that Sam could lash out or retreat further into her own mind. She crouched down a few metres away from the broken woman and started speaking in a soft calm voice.

"Sam, it's Zoe, you're in my house and you're safe," she started, but she got no response from Sam who just kept sobbing, "Can you look at me Sam?"

The lack of response was worrying Zoe and she was in two minds as to whether she needed to call for help. But she decided to try again, knowing that this time she was potentially at risk of a smack to the mouth. Zoe reached out and loosely covered one of Sam's wrists with her hand. Sam jumped at the contact but she didn't pull away. It took a while but slowly Sam reached with her hand and grabbed Zoe's and squeezed it. She was still sobbing like she was before but at least she had acknowledged that Zoe was there. It was a start.

"Okay sweetheart, it's okay," Zoe soothed as she sat on the floor opposite Sam holding her hand, unknowing as to how long she would be there.

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**Thanks for reading, Evie xx**


	8. Bubbling Over

**Hey guys, I've written quite a bit today as I got delayed on a train. So I thought I'd upload this chapter first and then a bit later on I'll upload another one (and quite a bit longer) because it's Charlotte's birthday tomorrow and celebration and all that. Also Tom is back next chapter! Wooop :) Also if you're on twitter and want to follow me I'm i_catch_aliens & I follow back :) Please comment if you have time :)**

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Zoe stayed on the floor with Sam for at least an hour before she had calmed down enough for Zoe to attempt to talk to her again. Zoe suspected she had exhausted herself because Sam hadn't made a sounds for the last 10 minutes, though she had stayed in the same position as she had been in all along, with her head down, holding onto Zoe's hand tightly. Zoe hadn't a clue how she was tolerating the pain that that position would be putting her in but she'd known better than to try and move Sam before she was fully aware.

"Hey Sam," Zoe said softly giving her hand a gentle squeeze, "Can you try and look at me please?"

Unbeknownst to Zoe, Sam had actually been aware of her surroundings for the past 10 minutes, that was why she had stayed silent. Sam wasn't fully aware of what had happened but she knew it must have been bad for her to be curled up on the floor in the most painful position possible and for Zoe to be sat on the floor holding her hand. She remembered scrubbing herself in the shower and coming to the room and she dimly remembered the fear, but everything was sort of numb, like she wasn't really there. She'd suffered mild PTSD after the shooting incident in the army and the panic attacks she had had then left her feeling like she was now. She never really remembered what happened during them, it was like her brain shut down to try and spare her the misery.

From the way Zoe was speaking to her, Sam realised she must have been in a terrible state, and she could feel a hot flush of embarrassment rush to her cheeks. Sam was so exhausted and found herself wishing that Zoe would just give up and go away so she could drag herself to the bed without having to face any questions. But she was long overdue her painkillers and her ribs and face were on fire from the pain and she knee that she was going to have to make some sort of effort to communicate before Zoe would be satisfied.

Sam took a deep, shaky breath, tiredness and embarrassment and fear all roiling in her stomach, competing with each other to beat out the numbness. She wanted nothing more than to knock herself out and slip into oblivion but first she had to get up. She lifted her head slightly, just enough to meet Zoe's deeply concerned gaze.

"Do you know where you are?" Zoe asked cautiously, not wanting to push her luck

"At your flat," Sam croaked; her throat was hoarse from the wracking sobs that had consumed her earlier, she hadn't realised how thirsty she was.

_Good, she's back in the present,_ Zoe thought to herself, "Are you in pain?" she asked, then mentally chastised herself for asking such a stupid question.

Sam nodded her head slowly. Pain was an understatement at the current moment in time.

"Okay, well I think you're a bit overdue for your painkillers, how about we get you up and then I'll get the tablets for you," Zoe proposed, knowing that getting Sam into a better position was the priority.

Sam nodded again. The thought of moving made her stomach church but the feeling of shame at her breakdown in front of Zoe won. She pushed herself back up so she was in a kneeling position, and she couldn't help but cry out as pain ripped through her chest. Zoe got up herself, ignoring her own aching muscles and held out her hands for Sam to hold as she got up. Defiantly Sam ignored Zoe's outstretched hands and managed to stand herself, twisting awkwardly as she tried to find the most comfortable way to do it. Zoe could do nothing but watch her friend struggle.

"I'll go and get the painkillers," Zoe said, leaving the room. It was tiring just trying to keep up with Sam's changes in mood so she had no idea how Sam herself felt.

Sam staggered over to the best and sat down heavily, sweat beading on her forehead at the exertion of getting up. She sighed and closed her eyes, she was a mess, a mess she couldn't control and that frightened her almost as much as thinking about the man in the park.

"Here," Zoe said, re-entering the room. She held out the pills and a glass of water Sam and then knelt down opposite her.

Sam tipped the pills into her mouth and washed them down with the water, allowing the cool liquid to soothe her tender throat.

"Let me look at that cut Sam, your stitches have loosened," Zoe mentioned, and forgetting herself for a second, reached up automatically to examine the wound.

Sam flinched back violently at the sudden movement and the glass flung out of her hand. Luckily it didn't smash as it hit the carpet but the remainder of the water spilt out.

"Zoe I'm sorry," Sam blurted out, seeing the water soaking into the carpet.

"No that was my fault," Zoe was quick to ascertain, "and it's only water, no harm done," she smiled.

But Sam didn't smile back. She sat on the bed with her eyes closed, trying to fight the anger that was rising up within her. This wasn't who she was, a scared, fragile woman who flinched at every little things. This was who _he_ had made her. _How dare he? How dare she let herself be so easily broken?_

"I'm just going to examine that cut now okay?" Zoe started again, this time waiting for Sam's permission before she did anything.

"No," Sam refused, shaking her head. She needed to be alone, she didn't deal with anger well in front o people.

"Sam if you don-"

"I said no. Leave me alone Zoe," Sam said angrily, wishing she could tell Zoe that she wasn't angry with her, that she was angry at herself but she couldn't.

Zoe recoiled at the rebuff, momentarily hurt by Sam's harsh tone but she quickly recovered. It was expected that Sam would be experiencing a lot of conflicting emotions, some of them simultaneously and she guessed that as someone who didn't really like to show vulnerability in front of people, that it was a struggle for Sam right now.

"I'll leave you to get some sleep," Zoe said kindly, "If you need anything you know where I am,"

Sam didn't respond as Zoe left the room and closed the door quietly behind her. She knew that all Zoe had done was help and support her and she wanted desperately not to take her anger out on her. She'd rather ignore Zoe but say something she would later regret. Sam laid back on the bed, groaning as she stretched her ribs out and wished for a long dreamless sleep. She breathed deeply, fighting against the anger that was still bubbling under the surface and willed the painkillers to lull her into unconsciousness.

* * *

**Thank you for reading, another chapter will be up later tonight :) Evie xx**


	9. Not Broken Just Bent?

**Hey guys, this is the first time I've updated twice in such a short amount of time. This chapter is quite a bit longer than usual because I had a a bit more time stuck on a train to write this one. I worked really hard on it though so I hope you enjoy it. Thank you so much for the reviews that you keep leaving, I really do appreciate them a lot and they inspire me to keep going :) It's Charlotte's birthday in 23 minutes woooop! Please leave a comment if you have the time :**)

* * *

Zoe had poked her head round the guest room door a couple of times to check on Sam but mostly she had just tried to do what she would usually do on a day off. Falling asleep was off the cards because she was far too wound up with the morning's events even though she was tired. She paid her electricity bill, nagged her landlord about the leaky toilet and made lunch, well reheated yesterday's takeaway in the microwave. She considered waking Sam up to get her to eat but decided that rest was the most important thing and that she could have some food later. It was only when she had sat down later in the afternoon, mindlessly watching a repeat of a daytime soap that she found herself scrolling through the contacts in her phone to one name.

_Tom Kent._

As much as she understood Sam's reasons for not wanting Tom to know, she also knew that Sam couldn't stay at her flat forever. He would be back on Monday anyway and where would they be then? She had no doubt that he would be angry, both at the situation and at being kept in the dark and she wasn't sure if she wanted to be in the middle of that. _Too late Zoe, _she thought,_ you're already involved._ She was also aware that this wasn't a situation that was going to be sorted immediately. Sam needed time to recover, not just physically but mentally, and judging from her panic attack earlier, it wasn't going to be a simple process. As her partner and as the one who was going to be dealing with the effect of the attack on Sam on a daily basis he had a right to know.

Her finger hovered over the call button and she bit her lip. _Bleep… Bleep. _She cut the call off as quickly as she had started it, hoping that it hadn't connected.

_Don't be an idiot. _Zoe remembered as soon as she pressed the call button that for some reason Sam had decided to trust _her. _Calling Tom and telling him without Sam's permission would be breaking her trust and Zoe couldn't afford to do that. She put her phone back down and sighed, trying to refocus her attention back to the TV.

* * *

_6pm_

*_Buzz buzz* _Zoe jumped slightly as she heard the buzzer for her flat and frowned. She wasn't expecting any visitors.

"Hello?" she said into the speaker

"Hi Zoe it's Fletch,"

Zoe frowned again, "How do you know where I live?"

"Looked it up in your staff file didn't I," he replied, laughing slightly, "Look can I come up, the ED has sent some flowers for Sam," he added, before Zoe had a chance to tell him off for looking up her personal details.

"Come on up," Zoe said.

She greeted him at the door. He was holding a beautiful bunch of purple and white flowers and an apologetic grin on his face.

"Sorry for being a bit of a stalker, I wanted to come round and see how she was doing," he admitted as he walked in.

"She's not doing great if I'm honest," Zoe replied, pulling a face, "and I haven't even thought ahead to tonight or tomorrow. We're kind of doing it one step at a time. They're lovely," she said, pointing at the flowers.

"Robyn picked them," Fletch smiled, "Can I go and see her?" he asked hopefully.

"She was fast asleep the last time I checked Fletch, I'm not sure if she's really up to visitors," Zoe replied.

"Please, I'll just take a peek, if she's asleep I'll just leave them with you,"

Zoe knew that Sam and Fletch were good friends and who knew, maybe she would welcome the sight of a face different from her own.

"Okay but if she's asleep don't wake her up," Zoe reasoned and Fletch nodded, "third door to on the left," she directed from the living room.

* * *

Fletch knocked softly on the guest bedroom door before he entered. He could tell from the shuffling in the bed that Sam was awake but she didn't respond to the knock.

"Sam," he said softly as he entered, "it's Fletch,"

Sam groaned softly. She had been drifting in and out of a doze for the past half an hour, roused from her slumber by the pain igniting in her ribs. The room was darker than it had been when she went to sleep and she squinted to make out the shape of Fletch as he approached the bed. She had been right about needing to be alone and sleep, her anger had almost dissipated completely.

"Fletch?" she asked, slowly pushing herself up to a seating position in the bed.

"Yeah it's me, is it okay if I turn on this lamp?" he asked. He hadn't wanted to turn on the main light for fear of frightening her. Upon her agreement Fletch scrabbled around for a moment to find the switch. A muted click and the room was bathed in soft yellow light.

As Sam blinked her eyes to adjust them to the relative brightness Fletch looked at Sam's face. The light here was kinder than the harsh fluorescence of the hospital strip lights, she didn't look so pale, the bruises didn't have as much contrast to the surrounding skin but he could see it in her eyes that she was feeling worse than she had this morning.

"From the ED," he smiled, presenting the bunch of flowers to her, "Robyn assures me that they're your favourite,"

Sam's eyes lit up briefly as she saw the flowers. They _were_ her favourite. "They're beautiful, thank you," she said, before she processed where they had come from. She looked up at Fletch sadly, "I suppose everyone is talking about what happened?" she asked, feeling sick at the thought of the ED gossiping and speculating behind her back.

"Only out of genuine concern," Fletch assured here, "Tess put a stop to any rumours and you know what she's like," Fletch said pulling a face, "Scaaaaary,"

Sam broke into a small smile again. Fletch had this uncanny ability to make anyone laugh, and Sam wasn't immune to it.

"Mind if I sit?" Fletch asked, wary of how she had flinched away from him earlier, though he could tell from her mood that she was less jumpy, more quietly sad.

"No go on," Sam replied, patting the side of the bed.

Fletch sat down carefully to avoid jarring Sam's ribs and he put the flowers on the bedside table.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, as if he was autopilot and as soon as it slipped out of his mouth he started apologising to Sam, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean-"

"It's okay," Sam cut in, "I'm sore and not feeling very good," she said honestly, "But I am alive," she joked feebly, finishing with a smile that Fletch didn't quite believe.

Fletch returned the smile anyway even though he was all too aware that Sam was putting on a show of strength for him. That was Sam Nicholls, determined and strong.

"Look at my good work," he remarked, indicating the cut which had reopened on the side of Sam's head.

Sam looked guiltily at Fletch, "I'm sorry, I forgot, in the shower," she explained.

"Don't worry, I just want to make sure it doesn't leave a scar," Fletch said, "Is it okay if I have a look? The wound edges might still be fresh enough to suture,"

"Okay,"

Fletch gently prodded the edges of the wound. It wouldn't be as neat as before but he was sure he could at least make it so the scar was a bit neater, "I'll redo it, if you want, Zoe'll have a suture kit," he offered.

"If you're sure you don't mind," Sam replied in a quiet voice.

Fletch grabbed the flowers off the table and stood up to leave, "I'll get Zoe to sort these out and I'll be right back."

* * *

Fletch returned to the kitchen to find Zoe inhaling the aroma of an extremely strong coffee, "I'll have what you're having," he joked as he put the flowers on the side.

"Sam's awake then?" Zoe asked.

"Yeah, actually do you have a suture kit?" Fletch asked, "I'm gonna redo her stitches,"

Zoe smiled, impressed with Fletch. He was born to be a nurse his bedside manner was so good. You don't get taught that at nursing school, it's an inherent characteristic.

"The door down from the guest room is the bathroom, in the cupboard under the sink," Zoe instructed taking a sip of her coffee.

"Cheers," Fletch replied, "Oh by the way chuck those flowers in some water for me will you?" he said with a grin.

Zoe couldn't help but smile at him as she reached over to get the bunch of flowers.

* * *

As Fletch opened the cupboard under Zoe's sink he was taken aback by how many medical supplies she had in there. Not just suture kits, but gloves, gauze, bandages. "You got enough kit in here Zoe," he called out, "looks like you've brought half the store cupboard home,"

Zoe appeared in the doorway behind him, "Perks of being the boss," she replied, "Got what you need?" Fletch nodded and washed his hands thoroughly in the sink, "I'll bring the flowers in in a bit with some dinner. Thanks Fletch," Zoe said. She was glad he had come over and even more glad she'd let him in. He was obviously doing Sam good and she didn't feel so clueless any more.

"Not a problem,"

* * *

"Sorry you have to go through this again," Fletch apologised as he snipped through the remaining stitches on Sam's head.

"No it's my fault," she said quietly, watching as he drew the lidocaine up into the syringe and pushed the plunger slightly to expel any trapped air,

"No it's not," Fletch said firmly but gently, "it was an accident, and we're going to fix it right up. This is going to sting a little bit," he warned, even though he knew Sam knew what was coming next.

Sam winced as the needle punctured the edge around the wound. She definitely felt it this time.

"Sorry," Fletch apologised, "All done. Just wait a couple of minutes for that to work," he smiled.

They sat in a comfortable silence for a couple of minutes before Fletch reached up to check the wound. Sam gasped and flinched back like she had from Zoe earlier, but she was less tired and more in control than last time and she managed to take a deep breath and force a small smile at Fletch.

"Sorry, I forgot what I was doing," Fletch said, "Can you feel it?"

Sam frowned as she felt the area around the wound, "No it's numb," she said.

"I'm going to start now alright?" Fletch asked, the suture instruments poised and ready in his hands.

Sam nodded and Fletch got to work, his gloved fingers effortlessly closing the wound. It took a couple more stitches than it had done previously to close the wound to Fletch's high standards and of course it was a little bit more jagged but with the proximity of the cut to Sam's hairline it would still be difficult to see it once it had healed.

"There you go," Fletch announced as he snipped the last stitch.

"Thank you," Sam said quietly and Fletch felt his heart drop when he caught the look in her eyes. They were pensive and fearful, two things he'd never seen in Sam before.

"Sam, I'm going to ask you something and you can tell me to butt out if you want," Fletch started, really hoping he wasn't pushing his luck, "but why won't you let us call Tom for you? Or you call him?"

He finished and paused, letting Sam process the question. Sam knew that this question was coming, that much was inevitable. At the mention of Tom's name images of him flooded her mind. The night before she had dropped him at the airport they'd gone bowling and she'd laughed at him in the stupid shoes. She'd worn ridiculous heels because they were going out for dinner afterwards and they'd hurt her feet so much he'd given her a piggyback all the way home. And then they hadn't really slept, just spent the remainder of the night wrapped up in the bed sheets and in each other's arms. The night had been perfect. And then she had ruined it by going running, she had ruined everything by not being stronger, by not fighting harder. She couldn't let Tom come home and find her like this.

"Because," she started, taking a deep breath, "because I ruined everything," she whispered, dropping her head.

Fletch shook his head, there was no way he was going to let her blame herself, that sort of thinking had to be nipped in the bud, "No, no way Sam. This is not your fault," he said urgently, though he was careful not to raise his voice.

But Sam was shaking her head, "But it is, I didn't fight hard enough-"

"Sam have you seen the bruises on your arms and your legs? You're a doctor you know what defensive injuries look like," Fletch pleaded, but Sam didn't appear to be listening.

"And I can't let him come home to me like this. All used and broken and jumping every time someone comes near me. I'm scared of my _own mind_ Fletch. How can I expect him to deal with all that? He didn't sign up for that" she said desperately, tears brimming at her eyes.

Fletch gripped Sam gently by the shoulders, too quickly for her to flinch away and it forced her to look at him, "Because, he _loves _you Sam," Sam started to protest but Fletch started speaking again before she had the chance, "My God does he love you. And if you were Natalie, and I was Tom, I would want to be on the first plane back. And he will too. I can guarantee you that,"

Sam understood what Fletch was saying. She knew that Tom loved her and she loved him back dearly, she wanted him to pick her up in his arms and take her away from this whole awful situation but she just couldn't imagine him wanting to be with her now she was like this. _She _didn't even want to be in her own mind, there was no way she could expect him to tolerate her. She was terrified that he'd be disgusted with her. "W-what am I going to tell him?" Sam asked hopelessly, sounding so utterly defeated, "How do I tell him?"

"Zoe or I can give him a ring, tell him the basics and then when he gets back, you can tell him what you want him to know in your own time. But he _needs_ to be here sweetheart," he reasoned, hoping that he had managed to make Sam see sense.

"If you call him, I don't, I don't want you to tell him about…just say that I was mugged…please," Sam begged, finally relenting.

"I told you that's up to you to tell him-"

"No. No. If I was only mugged," Sam started, "We can get past that, we've got past worse than that," Sam said, remembering the incident with the diazepam. She was working it out in her head as she spoke. She would try really hard to lock what had happened away in a little box. Just like she'd done with the stuff from her childhood, and from Afghanistan. She'd have to have one more box in her mind.

"But you weren't just beaten up Sam," Fletch said gently.

"Don't you think I know that?" Sam cried, a single tear slipping down her cheek, "I don't know what to do, I don't-"

Fletch gently placed a hand on her shoulder, realising he had pushed Sam too far. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry for upsetting you," he apologised, but it was futile.

Still the tears kept rolling down her face, they were big fat silent tears, so different to the howling devastated sobs of earlier, these were tears of acceptance of a personal defeat. She had one arm wrapped around her ribs, supporting them through the sharp breaths she was taking. _There has to be a way to keep this from Tom_, her mind raced, _to tell him that it would all be okay, that she wasn't broken, that she was just a bit bent out of shape, that time would heal everything_. The thing was though, she didn't believe that time would heal what she was feeling. Not for her, not this time.

Fletch was caught in two minds as he struggled to deal with situation at hand. He considered going to get Zoe but at the same time it was him that had pushed Sam into this state and he should be the one to sort it out. Gently he reached around her shoulders desperately hoping that she would tolerate a hug. He didn't have anything else to give. She didn't flinch at the tentative contact and Fletch was encouraged.

"Sssh," he whispered, "it's okay," and she seemed to break at his words, collapsing in his arms and resting the uninjured side of her head on his chest. He brought his other arm around, entirely enveloping her in his embrace.

She sat like a child, her arms still wrapped around herself as she continued to cry those shaking, silent tears. It unnerved Fletch to see someone cry like that, almost completely silently. He couldn't remember a time when he had ever seen someone this broken. Fletch wasn't sure if he believed in a God but he prayed at that moment that Sam would get through this terrible ordeal.

* * *

When Zoe entered the room to bring Sam the flowers and dinner she was shocked to see her curled up in Fletch's arms. It looked like she was shivering with cold but as she came closer she realised Sam was crying.

"Zoe," Fletch said quietly, "Can you ring Tom, just, just tell him the basics. Is that okay Sam?" he asked the devastated woman.

She nodded against his chest. Zoe reached out and gently stroked Sam's hair. "You're doing the right thing Sam," she said kindly. She was relieved that whatever Fletch had done had convinced her she needed to let Tom know at least that she was injured. It was a start.

* * *

Butterflies fluttered in Zoe's stomach as the phone continued to ring. She just knew Tom would have a million questions and despite being friends with both Sam and Tom she had a responsibility to respect patient confidentiality. *2 more rings* _come on Tom, _she thought, though she had a picture in her head of him roaming the streets of Prague in a silly costume, too hammered to hear his phone ringing. It would be about 4pm his time, but it was a stag weekend, there was a distinct probability they had been drinking since yesterday. She shook her head as the phone rang again, it would switch to voice mail any minute and she wished it was Fletch out here making this call. She done this countless times, delivered bad news to relatives, but it always hurt worse when it was one of your own.

"Zoeeeee Hanna," a loud voice in her ear startled her out of her thoughts. There on the phone, was a _very _drunk Tom Kent. Before Zoe had a chance to speak Tom started blabbering away. "And to what do I owe this pleasure? Just a casual phone call? Checking up on me? No! No! I know, you're a spy, Sam's got you to spy on me. Am I right? Well you ca-"

"TOM," Zoe shouted down the phone immediately shutting him up.

Tom's stomach flipped at the tone of Zoe's voice and even in his inebriated state he could tell that something was wrong, "Zoe, what's going on?" he asked, his speech slightly slurred.

"Sam's been injured, she's out of the hospital, but you have to come home," Zoe informed him, almost shouting to get herself heard over the shouting and laughing in the background.

"What, how? Why? Where is she?" Tom asked, panicked, obviously not able to let his brain focus on one thing at a time.

"Tom calm down, she's –" Zoe paused as she searched for a suitable word to reassure Tom and realised she couldn't find one, "she's at my flat. She got mugged this morning," Zoe felt awful telling Tom a bare faced lie but she had to do what Sam had requested.

"No, no, she can't, where Zoe? Can I speak to her?" Zoe could hear the panic in his voice rising, being blind drunk in a country a plane ride away and getting this kind of news did not go well together.

"Tom, listen to me. She's safe at mine. She's asleep at the moment so you can't speak to her,"_ another lie,_ "But she wants you to come home. Is there any way you can change your flight?"

She heard Tom shout to someone on his end and could hear snippets of the muffled conversation, a lot of swearing and some shouting.

"Zoe, Zoe, I'm going straight to the airport, getting the first plane home, I'll ring you when I know what time I'll get in," Tom was sounded more in control now. Nothing like the worst new to sober you up.

"Tom, be careful," Zoe warned, but Tom had already put the phone down. She found herself wishing that one, he would be able to get a flight considering the state he was in and two, that he sobered up big time before he got back. Zoe sighed. This was going to be a long night.

* * *

**So there was a little bit of Tom in this & quite a lot of Sam and Fletch friendship because I love it! Thanks so much for reading. Evie xx**


	10. Secrets & Lies

**Hey guys I am so so sorry for the delay in updating this fic. I've had a really bad week with some personal problems and have been a bit distracted from fic writing but I'm back now. I'm not overly happy with this chapter but I wanted to try and get something up for you guys because you've been so patient. Wanna say hello to Beth & Beth & Emma who I talk to on twitter, you're all really lovely :) Hope that this is okay, please leave a comment if you have time :)**

* * *

Tom had drunk an entire bottle of water to wash down the paracetamol he had taken, hoping it would stave off a headache. He was definitely still too drunk to drive but the shock of the news Zoe had given him on the phone had sobered him up enough to get a taxi to the hotel. He'd almost gone straight to the airport before one of his friends had reminded him that he wouldn't be able to fly without his passport. Tom had paid extra for the taxi to wait while he ran up and got it and his keys. He ignored his suitcase or anything else he had bought with him and ran back down to the waiting vehicle.

As he arrived at the airport he thanked the driver for practically breaking every speed limit and paid him extra with the local currency he had left. He ran into the airport, trying in his still semi-drunk state to navigate the departure lounge and find a ticket desk. He stopped for a second to take another drink of water, rubbing his temples and frowning at the niggling headache that was beginning to take hold before he spotted the desk he needed. Tom didn't care about how expensive it would be buying a flight at such short notice, at this point in time all he was worried about was getting home to Sam.

* * *

_8.46pm_

Sam let herself rest against Fletch even though the tears had stopped a while ago. The whole day had been a literal emotional rollercoaster and she still couldn't get her head around her rapidly changing moods. She was relieved that Tom was coming home but at the same time she was anxious. Sam knew that Zoe had only told him that she had been mugged but she was terrified that someone would let the rest slip or that she wouldn't be able to act normal enough around him. Sam figured that her fractured ribs would give her enough of an excuse for a week or two, and that would have to be enough for her to tuck away what had happened into another little box in her mind.

"Sam," Fletch said softly, rousing Sam from her thoughts, "how you doing?"

"I'm okay," she mumbled, wincing slightly as she shifted a little on the bed, "my ribs are really hurting," she admitted in a defeated voice.

"How about we get you some more painkillers eh? And Zoe brought you in some food," Fletch said, "I don't know how edible it'll be," he quipped, which drew a small smile from Sam, "but it'll be good to eat something,"

"Okay," Sam agreed and as she pulled away from Fletch she saw the damp patch on his shirt where her tears had soaked through. She closed her eyes in embarrassment but didn't get a chance to say anything as Fletch had already got up. Sam sighed as she waited for him to return with the painkillers. She felt so far away from her usual self, she was allowing people to do things for her, she allowed herself to break down and cry in front of her friends, that wasn't who she was at all. That was who _he_ had made her.

Fletch soon returned carrying the painkillers and a glass of water, "here you go," he said, tipping the pills into Sam's palm. He passed the tray containing a pasta bake and salad up to her as she sat properly back onto the bed.

"I have to go," Fletch said, pulling a face, "But if you need anything, you've got my number okay?"

Sam looked up from the tray she had been staring at and tried her hardest to form a smile, "It's okay. Thank you Fletch, for everything," she said.

Fletch could see behind the smile plastered on to Sam's face, he could see the panic in her eyes though she was trying her hardest to supress it.

"Remember what I said alright? He loves you," Fletch reassured her.

"Okay," Sam smiled again, this time a little more genuine, and she gave a little wave as Fletch left.

Once he was gone, Sam turned her attention back to the tray of food. To be fair to Zoe, it looked really nice but Sam really wasn't feeling up to eating much. She decided to try to finish the salad at least, but just looking at the starchy pasta bake made her feel ill. She crunched the green leaves and tomatoes mindlessly until she couldn't eat anymore but when she looked at her plate only a measly amount of food was gone. It wasn't unusual for her; Sam's appetite was always the first thing to go when she got stressed but not eating was the sort of thing people tended to notice, and the last thing she wanted was for there to be something else for Zoe to worry about. Zoe had already done enough by supporting her all day and opening her home and sorting things out with Tom.

The painkillers had already numbed the worst pains in Sam's body to dull aches and she moved more easily as she got up, balancing the tray on one hand. She exited the room quietly and made her way to the kitchen. Sam could hear a low murmur and saw the flickering lights of the TV coming from under the living room door. As she strained to listen harder she realised that Zoe was on the phone to Tom. Sam's stomach lurched as she thought of him. Quickly shaking the thoughts of Tom out of her head, Sam quietly placed the plate on the side before she opened the bin. She grimaced as she reached in and moved a couple of the empty takeaway containers, then she scraped the majority of the pasta into the bin and moved the containers back to their original position, covering the discarded pasta bake. She then threw the small remainder of the pasta and salad on top of the containers. It was one of Sam's oldest tricks but it rarely failed. Suddenly she heard a noise behind her and she whirled around with the empty plate in her hand to face Zoe.

"Sorry I didn't mean to startle you," Zoe apologised, as Sam moved towards the sink intending to wash up the plate, "No it's alright I have a dishwasher," she informed Sam, reaching out to take the plate from her.

"Thanks. It was really nice, I left a bit though, sorry," Sam said, passing the plate to Zoe. She felt bad for lying but at the same time it was one less thing to worry about.

"Not a problem, I thought it may have been a bit heavy this late at night, at least you got some food in you," Zoe smiled, "Do you want to come and sit in here? Bit of a change of scenery," she asked, pointing towards the living room.

Sam nodded and followed her into the pristinely decorated room. She settled into a comfy high backed armchair while Zoe chose the sofa opposite. There was a nature documentary playing on mute on the TV and for a moment Sam found herself mesmerised by the way the gazelles picked up on the presence of their predators. They didn't hesitate, they just ran. _I hesitated,_ Sam thought to herself, a sinking feeling settling in her stomach.

"I've just got off the phone with Tom," Zoe said, pulling Sam's attention away from the TV, "he can't get a flight until 6am Czech time so he'll be here at about 9am tomorrow," she explained and she couldn't help but notice the look of relief on Sam's face.

Sam let out a breath she wasn't aware she had been holding when Zoe informed her of Tom's whereabouts. The fact that he couldn't get home until 9am tomorrow gave her a little bit more time to get her head together.

"He really wants to speak to you though," Zoe told her apologetically, "I told him you were resting but now he's got 7 hours to kill at the airport and he'll probably ring again. I can put him off though," Zoe said as she saw the conflicted expression on Sam's face.

Sam swallowed hard and took a deep breath. If the situations were reversed and she was trying to get back to an injured Tom and she hadn't been allowed to speak to him, to hear his voice, she knew that she would be going mad with worry. And to have to sit at an airport, not able to physically do anything more must be killing him. She knew it would kill her. But at the same time she didn't know if she could trust herself on the phone. She didn't know if she would even be able to get any words out. Sam sighed. She had to start somewhere.

"Can, can I phone him please?" Sam asked quietly, surprising Zoe with her request.

"Yes," Zoe replied, handing her the phone, "are you sure?" she asked and Sam nodded. "I'm going to give you some privacy," Zoe said but Sam shook her head.

"Please stay," Sam asked, not quite able to meet Zoe's eyes with her own.

"Alright," Zoe agreed as Sam shakily dialled Tom's number from memory.

Sam closed her eyes and forced herself to keep breathing steadily as she lifted the phone to her ear. A big part of her was wishing it would just ring off or go to voicemail. But it didn't.

"Hi Zoe,"

Sam flinched slightly as she heard Tom's voice, it was hoarse and tired. She opened her mouth to say something back, but no words came out.

"Zoe are you there?" Tom asked.

"T-Tom," Sam said, a small whisper was all she could muster.

"Sam, is that you," Tom asked with urgency.

"Yeah," Sam replied, her voice a bit louder this time. She could almost feel Tom's relief down the phone at the sound of her voice.

"Sam, are you okay? I'm so sorry I'm not there, I'm so sorry I left you. I tried to get an earlier flight but they're sold out," Tom was speaking at about a hundred miles an hour and Sam knew well enough to wait until he had finished before she tried to speak.

"I'm okay," Sam choked out, desperately trying to keep her voice even. The whole point of this phone call was to make Tom worry less, not more, "Zoe's looking after me,"

"_I_ should be the one looking after you," Tom said, and Sam could heard him sniffle back a sob. She knew then she had to get her act together.

"It's okay Tom. I'm okay, I promise," Sam soothed, conveying the lie so convincingly that Zoe couldn't believe that she was the same woman who had so timidly taken the phone just minutes ago.

"If I ever get my hands on that bastard Sam I swear..."

"The police are dealing with it Tom, honestly, I just want you back here that's all," Sam said, trying to sate Tom's anger. She knew what he was like when he got into a state.

"Shit, my battery's dying. I left my charger in the hotel room," Tom cursed down the phone, "I love you Sam, I love you so much. I'll see you tomorrow okay?"

Sam covered the microphone on the phone as she let out a sob at Tom's 'I love you'. She was sure he wouldn't be saying that if he knew the truth, if he knew how disgusting and weak she was.

"I love you too," she said weakly, recovering just enough so Tom didn't notice.

"Bye sweetheart," Tom said, before his phone cut off.

Sam let the phone drop to her lap as she sat in silence. She had flat out lied to Tom and promised him she was okay. After the diazepam, they had promised each other no more lies. But like her mother used to tell her a little too often, sometimes lies are better than the truth.

* * *

**I'm hoping to get another (better) chapter up tonight but it will probably be a late one so check back tomorrow morning for an update :) Thanks for reading xxx**


	11. Reunion

**Hey guys, here's chapter 11. Hope it's okay. Tom is finally properly back I know a lot of you have been waiting for that. Big thank you to HanaMitch who leaves lovely reviews on every chapter and happy 16th Birthday to the lovely Beth (who I think is away but you'll see it when you get back I'm sure) please leave a comment if you have time. Oh also I'd love to chat to you guys on twitter so if you'd like to follow me I'm i_catch_aliens and I follow back :)**

* * *

"Sam are you okay?" asked a worried Zoe who had moved from the sofa to stand by the chair that Sam was in. Sam was staring into space with a pained expression on her face and Zoe wasn't sure what had just happened. "Sam," she said again, this time placing her hand gently on Sam's shoulder.

Sam flinched slightly at the contact but it pulled her back to the present moment, "Are you okay?" Zoe repeated.

Sam shook her head slightly before she replied, "No, yeah, sorry Zoe my mind just wandered for a moment."

"Well try not to do too much of that on my watch okay?" Zoe joked, a light smile crossing her lips.

Sam forced a smile back. If she was going to try and act as normal as possible when Tom arrived, she may as well start now.

"I'm really tired though, I think I'm going to head to bed," Sam said, as she made a move to get out of the chair. It was more difficult than Sam had anticipated and it took her 3 attempts before she stood up completely, "Night Zoe,"

"I won't be far behind you, goodnight" Zoe said, suddenly realising that she had been awake for more than 24 hours straight. It had been one of those days where you run on adrenaline and caffeine until you crash and she knew she would sleep well tonight. She just hoped that Sam would as well. "Sam," she called just before Sam had closed the door, "If you need anything, even just to talk, don't be afraid to wake me up okay?"

Sam poked her head back around the half closed door, "Thanks Zoe," she said in a quiet voice.

Once Sam got back to the guest room she got into the bed and pulled the covers up to her chin. She knew she wouldn't fall asleep easily despite how shattered she was. She had only slept earlier because the painkillers had knocked her out but with every new dose they were less and less effective. Sam sighed as her thoughts turned back to Tom. Her mind raced as she thought about what she was going to tell him, about how she was going to hide the most telling bruises from him and about how she was going to go ahead with the police investigation without him wanting to be involved. There would have to be so many lies but she'd have to risk it if she didn't want Tom to find out the truth. Sam sighed and wrapped an arm protectively around her broken ribs and closed her eyes. Eventually she fell into a fitful sleep.

* * *

_Day 2 5:46am_

Sam woke up fighting an attacker who wasn't there. She gasped painfully, trying to get enough air into her lungs as she shakily glanced around the room trying to reassure herself that she was safe. She had no memory of the nightmare that had just awoken her but she was still feeling its full effects. Sam placed a hand over her racing heart, willing it to slow down, and hoped she hadn't woken Zoe. Years ago a neighbour had called the police to the house she'd shared with Dylan because her nightmares had been that violent. She'd thought all of that was behind her but she realised with a sinking feeling that this was one more thing she would have to try and keep from Tom. Sam peeled back the sheets covering her and got up painfully and seeing the pink light peeking around the sides of the curtains, she realised it was early morning. Waves of nausea rolled in her stomach as she realised what that meant. Tom was coming home. There was a part of Sam that wanted to do nothing more than curl up in his arms and let him tell her it was all going to be okay but a bigger, more powerful part of her was terrified he would be repulsed by how she was now.

Sam left the room as quietly as she could, making her way to the bathroom. She noticed that Zoe had put out fresh towels as if she had guessed that Sam would be up before her. Sam sighed, she really didn't know how she was going to repay Zoe for all that she'd done, and Fletch for that matter. Turning on the shower she reminded herself to set it at a more normal temperature. Sam was in a much more rational state of mind than yesterday, despite waking up unsettled from the nightmare. She undressed slowly, her muscles stiff and sore and she took a deep breath as she braced herself to look in the mirror.

The bruises on her face were awful. They were always worse the second day when the blood had settled and died beneath the skin, leaving a deep purple blemish that Sam could never hope to cover with makeup. The stitches in the cut on her head were still neatly pulled together and she'd have to make an effort not to ruin them again. Her gaze travelled down her body, taking in the fingerprint bruises on the top of her arms and her wrists and the blue-purple marks that covered her ribs; surface evidence of the fractures underneath. Sam surveyed her injuries with a detached sense of calm so different to yesterday, it was as if she wasn't really looking at herself.

Despite having another lengthy shower, Sam was still finished before Zoe was up. As she went into the kitchen to get some more painkillers she noted the time on the clock. _7.12am. _That meant she had almost two hours to make herself presentable and she had never been more thankful that she kept a small bag of makeup in her locker for the after shift drinks that were so popular with her Holby colleagues. She was relieved to find Zoe had picked it up along with all the clothes that had been in there. Sam changed into leggings and a t shirt, grateful that it was high neck enough that it didn't show any of the bruises on her chest. There had been one of Tom's t shirts in the bag but she couldn't bring herself to wear it. Painstakingly she applied concealer to the bruise on her face, knowing that she would never cover it completely but she thought if she could just take away the shock factor of it, Tom would be less worried. She combed her still damp hair but left it down, she knew there were some red marks on her neck and she hoped Tom wouldn't notice. Finally she pulled on her light grey hoody and pulled the sleeves down over her hands. That was all she could do.

* * *

_Day 2 8:17am_

Zoe was making a pot of coffee when she heard Sam enter the kitchen, "Do you want a coffee?" she asked as she turned around to face the other woman. Zoe had to stop herself from doing a double take as she took in Sam's appearance. There was no way the bruise around her eye would have faded like that, not with how swollen it still was. Her heart sank a little bit as she realised Sam was still planning on playing this down to Tom. She had held out some hope that Sam would have realised that it was a time bomb waiting to explode but she held her tongue. In her capacity as Sam's doctor, she really couldn't tread of the line of patient confidentiality.

"Yes please," Sam said, eyeing the clock nervously as she took the steaming mug of coffee from Zoe.

"I just spoke to Tom, he's on the train and he'll be here about 9," Zoe said, hoping that knowing when Tom was going to arrive would allay some of Sam's fear.

"He told me yesterday." Sam said after she took a sip of the hot liquid, "I just didn't realise the time that's all,"

Zoe looked at Sam for a moment, sensing she didn't want to have a conversation about it she changed the subject, "How's your pain today?"

"More achey. But tolerable," Sam replied nodding over to the bottle of painkillers, "you've got me on the good stuff,"

"We need to be careful with those, you know they have a high risk of dependency. As soon as your pain is at a steady 5 or 6 you need to start coming off them," Zoe warned in a motherly tone.

Sam just gave her a look to say 'I'm a doctor, I know'. And Sam did know about dependency, it was a little bit too close for comfort with what had gone on with Tom and the Diazepam.

"I'm just going to go and sit down until Tom gets here," Sam said, walking into the living room. She wasn't really up for making small talk with Zoe with the way her stomach was somersaulting.

"You should eat something," Sam heard Zoe call from the kitchen. She still wasn't hungry, and it wasn't like she could force herself to eat when she was feeling like this.

"I'm not hungry," Sam replied, and she could hear Zoe's sigh all the way from the living room.

* * *

_Day 2 9:02am_

A hurried knock at Zoe's door shook Sam's attention away from BBC Breakfast. She knew who it was at the door, Tom always knocked like he was being chased by a bear. Her throat constricted and her mouth went dry as she heard Zoe greet Tom. He sounded worried and tired and she could tell he wasn't up for small talk with Zoe. Zoe said something to him that Sam couldn't hear and her heart started racing, she wouldn't tell him, not after all the times Sam had made her promise. She couldn't. Sam stood up and turned to face the door as she heard Tom coming in.

Tom opened the door to come face to face with the person he loved the most in the world. All the way home he had imagined running in and taking her in his arms, holding her close and protecting her from any other horrible thing that dared to come her way. But Zoe had warned him of Sam's fractured ribs and even if she hadn't he was sure he would have stood still in shock anyway.

The first thing he noticed was the bruise on her face. It was purple and marred most of her cheekbone and eye socket. Her eye was swollen on the same side and she had a cut on her forehead. He fought a rising anger as he wondered how in the hell someone would do this for the sake of an iPod. They were the only physical injuries he could see but he knew she must have more if she had broken ribs. The physical marks weren't what shocked him the most though; the woman standing before him, _his Sam_, looked tiny and fragile with her arms wrapped around herself and she wasn't properly meeting his gaze. She looked vulnerable and frightened, and it broke his heart.

Sam couldn't bear to meet Tom's eyes as he took in her appearance. She could see the shock on his face as he saw the bruises and it was too much to bear to imagine him seeing the rest. She knew she had been right to hide the truth, if this was how he reacted to some bruises on her face then she had no idea what he would be thinking if he knew the whole story.

"Sam," Tom choked out, and as he took a step towards her Sam had to fight with herself not to flinch away. He reached out and gently cupped his hand around the uninjured side of her face. He tried hard to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat as he ran his thumb gently over her eyebrow. He had absolutely no idea what to do to help the broken woman in front of him.

"I'm sorry," Sam whispered

"What, no, no," Tom said, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I wasn't here," Tom apologised over and over, but it did nothing to take away Sam's overwhelming guilt.

Tom took another step forward and wrapped Sam in his arms, mistaking her flinch away as a flinch of pain. Sam felt so guilty. Guilty for lying to him but even more so she felt guilty for letting him be close to her when she was so dirty and used. She felt guilty for being comforted by his presence. She felt like she didn't deserve his sympathy at all. It had been her choice to go running and it had been her who hadn't fought back hard enough.

But _she_ had to live with that. Tom didn't have to.

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**Thanks a lot for reading :) xx**


	12. Putting up Walls

**Hey guys here's chapter 12. I get the feeling that maybe some of you don't like all the details and that it might be going too slow but I promise there's more of Tom and Sam coming up soon. I just wanted to do this fic justice. It's a subject very close to home and I think if you're gonna write about stuff this serious you need to try and do it well and accurately. So I'm trying to show the whole process. I'm so so grateful to everyone who's stuck by me and has been reviewing so far, you guys make it all worthwhile :) Also a BIG Happy 13th Birthday to HanaMitch! Sorry i missed the actual day but I hope you had a wonderful time :) xx**

* * *

Zoe busied herself with making more coffee in case Tom wanted any. He definitely looked like he could use some. She tried to push the thought of the situation out of her mind for a while. She was completely caught in the middle and whatever she did either Sam or Tom would have a reason to be angry at her. Zoe sighed as she glanced at the clock. She had to be on shift at 12 and despite sleeping flat out for almost 12 hours, she didn't feel rested at all. Zoe was so deep in thought that the ringing of her mobile made her jump. It was an unknown number calling.

"Hello," Zoe said cautiously.

"Hello Doctor Hanna? It's DCI Myles, could I speak to Samantha?"

Zoe shook her head as she realised that the police only had her contact details as Sam's mobile was back at her house, "Hello, I'm sorry she's not available at the moment," Zoe apologised, thinking that Sam wouldn't really appreciate speaking to the police in front of Tom, "Can I take a message?"

"Oh yes, it's just we really need to get on with the eFit while the memories are fresh, do you think it's possible she would come down to the station today?" DCI Myles asked.

"Um, I'm not sure, I'd have to ask her," Zoe said, pulling a face, "Look I'll get her to ring you back alright?"

"Great thank you, my contact details are on the card I gave her,"

"Thanks, bye," Zoe said with a sigh. She put her mobile back on the kitchen counter with a bit more force than was required. She knew that going to the police station would be the last thing Sam wanted to do, and she'd have to ask her about it without Tom knowing. Zoe ran her hand through her hair exasperatedly. This mess was becoming more and more complicated by the minute.

* * *

Sam had only been wrapped in Tom's embrace for a number of minutes but to her it felt like hours. It wasn't just the guilt that was getting to her, Tom's body felt heavy and oppressive pressed close to hers and her anxiety was sky high. She knew she had to break away from him before she panicked too much, but that was easier said than done.

Tom had just stood there with Sam in his arms for the past few minutes. He had relinquished his body to the fatigue he'd been fighting and just allowed himself to relish finally being able to see Sam, to hold her and for some of the worry to be abated. He lowered his head to press a kiss to the soft spot behind her ear but to his surprise she forced herself out of the hug and took a step back.

She had tried, she'd tried so hard but there was no way Sam could stand being kissed there. It just brought back memories of _him _and how he'd whispered vile things in her ear, so she'd lost her control for a second, panicked and forced her way out of Tom's arms.

"Sorry," Sam apologised quickly, making a face, "my ribs, really hurt," she explained, before Tom had a chance to question her behaviour.

His face contorted in sympathy and guilt, "I'm sorry Sam, I didn't mean to hurt you,"

"It's alright, it's fine. I'll be fine," Sam said, quietly wondering how many times she'd have to say it before she finally believed it herself.

"Look do you want to go home, we can have some breakfast & relax yeah?" Tom asked, not knowing what else to suggest.

Sam's stomach flipped at the thought of going home with Tom. She hadn't thought of the ramifications of him coming back. He would fuss around her and constantly be trying to hug her and comfort her. She knew because that's what he was like when she was ill, and Sam usually loved it. But this was different. Despite that, Sam knew she had to try and keep some sense of normalcy if she was going to keep Tom from knowing.

"Sounds great," Sam said, forcing a smile, "I'll just get my stuff together, why don't you sit down, you look shattered," Sam commented, feeling the all too familiar pang of guilt. He was tired because he had been up all night trying to get home to her.

"Gee thanks," Tom quipped lightly, and Sam managed to bring herself to give Tom's shoulder a friendly pat as she walked past.

* * *

Sam exhaled sharply as she closed the living room door behind her. This was harder than she imagined it being.

"You okay?" Zoe asked, as the noticed the look on Sam's face.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Sam said, "We're gonna go, get out of your hair. I just need to get my stuff,"

"Sam, just a sec," Zoe said, in a quieter voice, "The police called, they want you to go down to the station today to work with the eFit artist. They said it was better when the memory is still fresh,"

"I couldn't remember anything yesterday, what am I going to remember now?" Sam said, feeling a rising panic at the mention of the police.

"It might be worth a try, they wouldn't have suggested it if they didn't think it would help the investigation," Zoe explained.

"What will help?" Tom asked from the living room doorway. He had been enticed out by the smell of the fresh coffee and had caught the tail end of Zoe and Sam's hushed conversation.

Sam's heart started hammering in her chest at the sound of Tom's voice and she shot Zoe a panicked look.

"Sam had a concussion yesterday so her description of the mugger wasn't as good as it could be, they want her to work with a forensic artist to see if they can get a better one," Zoe explained smoothly, as if she had rehearsed the answer in her head.

Sam mouthed 'thank you' at Zoe before she turned round to face Tom. "They want me to go today,"

"I think it's a good idea, I'll take you. We'll get a cab back to yours and pick up my car yeah?" Tom said, feeling hopeful at the fact he could now do something productive to help.

"Great, yeah," Sam agreed, flashing him another one of her thin smiles, "Why don't you get some coffee while I get my stuff," she said, pointing towards the coffee machine.

* * *

Sam didn't realise Zoe had followed her down the hall until the other woman spoke, "Sam…" she started

"Please, don't," Sam said desperately as she started putting her clothes and makeup back into the gym bag.

"Are you going to be okay doing this today?" Zoe asked cautiously.

"I have to be or Tom will get suspicious," Sam whispered harshly, hyper alert after their conversation being overheard just a few moments ago.

"I can already see how hard this is on you," Zoe said sympathetically, passing Sam the last of her clothes.

"It's the way it has to be ok," Sam snapped, snatching the clothes from Zoe and zipping the bag angrily, "Tom can you call a cab please?" Sam shouted, trying to sound as normal as possible.

"Stop, just stop for a second," Zoe said, moving in front of the closed door, effectively blocking Sam's exit.

Sam exhaled exasperatedly, "Zoe, please, I'm grateful for everything you've done but I just need to get on with it," she said desperately, panting from the exertion of packing her bag so quickly.

Zoe looked at Sam and saw the desperation on her face. But behind the fear and the panic she saw a glimmer of stubbornness and determination, and she knew she wasn't going to change Sam's mind. "I don't agree with what you're doing," Zoe said carefully, aware it could trigger Sam's anger even more, "You have no idea how hard this is going to be, and I'm worried about your wellbeing. But if you need anything, to talk or to rant or if you just feel really crap, I'm asking you to come to me, alright. I'll be here for you," Zoe said firmly but sincerely.

She felt bad for encouraging Sam to come to her instead of doing what she should be doing and opening up to Tom, but in her heart Zoe knew it would take a miracle to convince Sam otherwise and she would rather help than have Sam try and cope on her own.

"I mean it," Zoe said, softer this time, "Any time you need okay?"

Sam had to swallow a few times to rid herself of the lump that had formed in her throat, "Okay," she agreed quietly, her anger dissipated.

* * *

"Ready to go?" Tom smiled as he saw Zoe and Sam enter the kitchen. He stepped forward and took the bag from Sam. Usually she would have reminded him that it wasn't the 50's and that she was pretty capable of carrying her own bag but she was so exhausted and in pain it was a relief that he had.

"Yep," Sam smiled. Short sentences and one syllable answers seemed to be her best strategy.

Tom walked over to Zoe and gave her an awkward hug, "Thank you for looking after her," he said with a tired smile, "sorry I didn't tell you that sooner. I'm so tired and hungover," he admitted with a smirk.

"Not a problem Tom, just look after her okay?" Zoe smiled, despite the sinking feeling in her stomach.

Tom's phone rang, letting him know the taxi was outside. "Ready?" he asked Sam, who simply nodded in response.

Tom gently looped his arm around Sam's shoulders and Zoe saw how Sam tensed at the light contact. She really had no idea how this was all going to work.

* * *

**Thanks for reading :)**


	13. Frustration

**Hey guys, here's chapter 13. I've really put a lot of work into this one and I've tried to highlight the dynamic between Sam and Tom in this chapter. I'm not gonna say I hope you enjoy it because I'm not sure that's the right word. Please leave a comment if you have the time :) Also a shout out to Beth Lyon for always listening to my rants on DM :)**

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_Day 2 10:26am_

"Do you want anything?" Tom asked, putting another two slices of toast into the toaster. He'd already had some, but he was ravenous after having not eaten properly in hours.

"I had breakfast at Zoe's," Sam called back from the living room. She felt bad for lying but she knew she'd have to eat eventually, just as soon as her stomach calmed down enough.

Tom came in to the living room munching on the toast and Sam's heart sank as she saw how tired he was. He obviously desperately needed to sleep but he was trying his hardest to stay awake for her and she didn't deserve it.

"Listen Tom, I don't mind going on my own, you look dead on your feet," Sam offered, despite knowing in her heart that there was no way he'd let her go on her own.

"You're really handing out the compliments this morning aren't you?" Tom joked, "besides you shouldn't drive, I'll be alright after I've had some coffee."

Tom frowned when he saw the look on Sam's face. She didn't respond to his joke, not even with a tiny smile like she had earlier. He knew something was wrong but he couldn't pinpoint it.

"Are you in pain?" he asked, discarding the plate of toast on the coffee table as he knelt down in front of Sam.

"A bit, but I'm not due more tablets until noon," Sam replied. It was another white lie, she was actually in quite a bit of pain but she could see from Tom's face that he was already worrying enough.

"Do you – do you want to talk about it?" Tom asked hesitantly, not knowing what to expect from Sam's reaction. She hadn't made any effort to bring up the mugging or any of the details herself and he wasn't sure if bringing it up was a good idea. From the look Sam shot at him, he knew it had been a bad idea.

"No I don't. I just want to hurry up and go and do this thing at the police station and then forget about it," Sam snapped, wrapping her arms defensively around herself. She hated being angry with Tom, he had done nothing wrong, but her emotions had a nasty habit of flying out of control when she was this stressed out.

"I'm sorry, I just, I don't know what to do to help you," Tom admitted, dropping his eyes to the floor.

"Just let's get this over and done with and then we can put it behind us okay," Sam said more confidently, though she didn't believe a word of what she was saying. She saw Tom move to give her a hug and her hand flew out to stop him. "ribs," she warned, giving the excuse because she could not bear to be that close to Tom right now. She forced herself not to flinch as he instead settled for softly kissing her forehead.

"Let's get going yeah?" Tom smiled gently.

* * *

_11:35am_

"That's my boyfriend," Sam said as soon as she and the DCI were out of Tom's earshot, "I don't want anyone telling him anything do you understand," she warned.

"What you tell your boyfriend is completely up to you Samantha, we're just here to try and find the man who did this to you," DCI Myles tried to reassure Sam, "Although I have to warn you, if we do make an arrest and this goes to court, there's a chance you might have to testify and it can be extremely hard to keep something like that from a partner," the detective explained. She always liked to be fully upfront with what the victims of crime could expect, she had explained all of this to Sam yesterday but she wasn't sure of how much the blonde had taken in. "But we don't have to think about that right now alright," she said softly, trying to allay the panic she was seeing on Sam's face.

"Okay Samantha," DC Myles said swinging open the door to the interview room, "This is Dominic, and he's one of the forensic artists we work with,"

But Sam wasn't listening. She had stopped hearing what the detective was saying as soon as she'd seen the forensic artists was a man. The thought of being alone in a room with a stranger terrified her, and she could feel the bile rising up in her stomach. She took 2 steps backwards away from the door.

"Samantha," the detective said, but the sound was distorted to Sam, like she was underwater. DCI Myles stepped out of the room and closed the door behind her.

"No," Sam whispered, screwing her eyes shut tightly, "I can't,"

"This is a very important part of the process Samantha-"

Sam shook her head, "I can't be in there on my own," she explained, taking a deep breath to try and calm her frazzled nerves.

DCI Myles sensed that the frightened young woman wouldn't want her boyfriend to accompany her, since she had tried her hardest to ensure he had stayed in reception, "I can sit in with you," she offered gently. It wasn't strictly protocol, but her morning was slow and she didn't have that much paperwork.

Sam looked up gratefully at the older detective, reassured to find the same kind eyes and smile that she had seen yesterday in the interview, "Okay," she agreed quietly.

The process of getting the sketch accurate took about an hour and Sam knew she would never forget the moment the artist showed her the final draft of the drawing to ask if it was correct. The face she saw on the paper was far more realistic than the one who had haunted her dreams last night and now it was burned into her memory. By the time DCI Myles had shepherded her out of the interview room and back towards the reception Sam had almost completely withdrawn back into herself.

"I have your contact details now, we'll be in touch alright," DCI Myles said but Sam barely responded as she walked back out to the reception and an anxiously waiting Tom.

"All done?" he asked, standing up to meet her, "Sam," he prompted when she didn't respond. Tom hated to think it, but she looked as tired as he felt.

"Yeah, sorry," Sam replied, shaking her head slightly, "Let's get back," she said, purposefully heading out of the door before Tom had a chance to catch up with her.

* * *

_Day 2 12:34pm_

"So it's not my finest cuisine, but it'll pass for a quick lunch," Tom said lightly as he placed a plate of chicken salad on the table in front of Sam. He then quickly returned with a glass of water and 2 tablets.

"Thank you," she replied quietly before swallowing the tablets down with a big gulp of water.

She could feel Tom's eyes on her as she pushed the salad around her plate. Sam still wasn't feeling up to eating but she managed to force some food down her for Tom's sake. This was exhausting, the lies and the guilt and the anxiety were exhausting.

"Are you alright?" Tom asked cautiously, feeling a little bit idiotic. Sam obviously wasn't alright, but if she kept shutting herself down and refusing to talk about anything he didn't know what to do. Unfortunately, putting up walls was Sam's first line of defence and she still struggled with showing vulnerability in front of anyone. That was why he had been so worried this morning, he'd never seen Sam look so lost.

"I will be if you stop fussing," Sam snapped, slamming her fork down on her plate.

"I'm just worried Sam, you're not letting me in and I can't help you if you don't," Tom pleaded, putting down his own cutlery to focus his attention on Sam.

"I don't need help," Sam replied harshly. _ I don't deserve it. _The voice in her head added.

Tom's head dropped in frustration. Sam always put on a brave face but the worst thing right now is that Tom could see the façade crumbling before his eyes but still she was being stubborn.

"Stop trying to deal with this on your own, you don't have to," he said exasperatedly, trying not to get annoyed. He was really feeling his tiredness now and Sam's stubbornness was starting to make him irritable.

"I don't have to deal with anything, I got mugged, I went to the police. Now it's done, it's over," Sam replied angrily, rising out of the chair. In the heat of the moment she had forgotten her broken ribs and she doubled over as a wave of pain overtook her.

"Sam!" Tom exclaimed, jumping out of his chair to rush to her side. He placed a hand gently on her shoulder but she flinched violently away from him.

"Tom just stop. Please,"

"I'm just trying to help," Tom said and Sam felt sick with guilt as she heard the catch in his voice. _Maybe Tom would be better off if he didn't have to deal with any of this, maybe he'd be better off without me, _Sam thought as she saw the pained expression on his face.

"I told you I don't need your help," she said defensively, not making eye contact with Tom in fear of her eyes betraying her, "This is _my _mess," she added venomously.

Tom felt a surge of anger rise up inside him. He knew it was irrational but he was too tired to control it any more. "This is a pride thing isn't it?" he shouted angrily, "You can't deal with the fact you didn't go all MMA on this scumbag and beat him down and you're trying to make yourself feel better by refusing anyone's help,"

Tom's heart was racing as he finished his angry tirade. He saw Sam's face crumple and immediately his heart sank as he realised just what he had said.

"You've got it all figured out haven't you?" Sam said quietly, furiously blinking her eyes in an effort to stave off the tears that were threatening to fall.

"No, I didn't, I didn't mean that. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Tom pleaded, his voice desperate.

"You need to go Tom," Sam warned, she was on the verge of sobbing and it was hard to get the words to come out.

"Sam…"

"Leave, now," Sam said, turning away from him, not wanting him to feel guilty for the tears that were now falling down her face.

Tom sighed. He had really, really messed this up, "Look I'll go back to mine for a bit," he said, realising that there was going to be no quick fix to this situation. They both needed some space and some time to calm down. "I've got my phone alright?"

Sam didn't respond, and Tom could see the slight shaking of her shoulders as she cried, "I love you," he said, before he picked up his keys and walked to the front door. Tom found himself taking a longer time to exit Sam's house than he usually did. He was waiting for an "I love you too," that never came. In frustration Tom kicked the wall as he made his way to his car. It didn't make him feel any better.

* * *

Sam waited for the door to close behind Tom before she dared to turn around again. She felt awful. She had achieved nothing but make Tom feel guilty for something that wasn't his fault at all. That was their problem, they knew how to push each other's buttons and in any other situation Sam might have been able to keep a cool head but yesterday and today had just been too much. Tom had been right though, she hadn't been able to fight him off. That failure was all her own.

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**Thanks for reading :)**


	14. The Walls Come Tumbling Down

**Hi guys, here's chapter 14. Thank you so much for the reviews you've all left, I really do appreciate them. Please leave a comment if you have the time :) Next chapter will be up tomorrow!**

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_Day 2 9:04pm_

Tom woke with a start, momentarily disorientated by the darkness. He reached over to the bedside table and fumbled for his phone. He squinted in the too bright light as he read the time.

"Ugh," he groaned. He'd been asleep for almost 8 hours. To his surprise he was still fully dressed and lying on top of the covers. Briefly thinking back to when he had got back to his, he had been overcome with the fatigue and just flopped down on to the bed.

He sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and sighed. Tom had intended on just coming back for a couple of hours to let Sam calm down but he'd slept for far longer. He reached for his phone, ignoring the bleep as the action tugged the phone away from its charger and dialled Sam's number. He didn't know what he was going to say, he was just desperately hoping that she had cooled off. Apologise. Apologise you idiot, he chastised himself as the phone kept ringing. Sam didn't answer and he cut the call off before it reached voicemail. Putting the phone back on to the table he frowned. He wasn't sure if he should be worried, Sam did have a concussion but Zoe had assured him the CT had been clear. The most likely reason was that she was ignoring his call and he sighed again because that meant she was still angry. Not that he didn't deserve it, but he had hoped he would be able to make up for it before this evening.

He got up and walked into the bathroom wearily. Scrutinising his reflection in the mirror he came to the conclusion that he looked a complete state. His eyes were ringed by dark circles, his hair was scruffy and the 2 day stubble on his face made him cringe. Tom decided to have a shower and clean up, then go back to Sam's to try and apologise face to face.

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_Day 2 10:23pm_

To his surprise Tom saw that all the lights were off and the curtains were drawn as he approached Sam's house. Well apart from soft glow of the bedside lamp he could see peeking out from Sam's bedroom window. Checking his watch he realised it was actually quite late. It didn't matter if Sam was in bed, he had his spare key and could get in without disturbing her.

"Sam," he called out quietly as he opened the front door, "It's me,"

Tom was met with silence as he made his way carefully down the darkened hall. He had been here countless times but he still struggled to find the light switch.

"Sam," he called out again. Still no response. Tom's heart beat a little bit faster as he began to worry. Ignoring calls was one thing, but giving Tom the silent treatment when he was right there wasn't really Sam's style. _Maybe she fell asleep?_ He thought as he climbed the stairs two at a time.

"Hello?" he called out a bit louder, but still there was no response. He could hear something though. As he got closer to Sam's closed bedroom door he heard a muffled whimpering. Tom recognised that sound. Every once in a while Sam had really bad nightmares and whenever he'd had to wake her she'd clung on to him like her life depended on it. Tom still didn't know what they were about, after her initial show of vulnerability at night she always refused to talk about it in the morning but he guessed it had something to do with the army. They were always worse when she was stressed or worrying over something and being mugged probably topped both of those lists. He took a deep breath before he entered the room, hoping she would allow him to provide her with some comfort.

Tom knew something was wrong as soon as he entered the room. The bedcovers were half off the bed and half wrapped around Sam. She was thrashing around violently fighting an invisible battle and Tom instinctively knew that this wasn't one of her recurring dreams, she'd never been this bad.

"Sam, wake up, it's alright," Tom said, his voice loud but gentle. He wanted to try and rouse her from her nightmare before he got too close and risked a blow to the face, "Sam," he said a little louder, but still she didn't wake up. Whatever she was fighting in her sleep had her well and truly in its clutches.

Tom walked over to the bed cautiously and trying to avoid Sam's flailing arms he unwound the covers from her as much as he was able. He slipped an arm underneath her back and lifted her up against his chest and wrapped his other arm around her, effectively pinning her arms to her sides. He made an effort to be gentle, bearing in mind her broken ribs but she struggled even harder against him. She was still fast asleep, fighting harder now she had a physical enemy to defeat.

"Sam, come on, wake up," Tom said, holding her a little tighter as she continued to whimper, "It's not real sweetheart, it's not real,"

Sam was struggling as hard as she could but he had her pinned tightly and she was panicking. Her body was pressed against his and she could hear his voice but couldn't make out what he was saying. No matter how hard she fought he just held her tighter. She had to get out, she had to get away.

"Sam," Tom said again, a little louder this time, "Sam,"

Finally Sam recognised the sound of her own name through her panic. Someone was speaking to her in a voice she knew and it pulled her further out of the haze of sleep. Sam was so disorientated when she finally woke it took her a moment to realise that she was in her bedroom, and that the arms wrapped around her were Toms. She gulped in lungfuls of air and she fought to steady her breathing, as the feeling of being in Tom's arms overwhelmed her.

Tom had sensed from the sudden lack of struggling that Sam was awake, though she hadn't acknowledged him. She was stiff and tense in his arms and he brought his hand to the back of her head and gently stroked her hair in an attempt to relax her, "It's okay, it's okay," he murmured softly.

"No," Sam whispered softly. _You shouldn't be here Tom, _she thought.

"What was that?" Tom asked, not hearing what she had said.

"No," Sam repeated, extricating herself from Tom's embrace.

"Sam it's okay, you had a nightmare," Tom said, confused by the turn of events, "you're alright,"

"Stop it Tom," Sam snapped.

"Stop…what?" Tom asked, shaking his head in confusion. He reached out to her but Sam hit his hand away.

"Stop being nice to me," Sam whispered, wrapping her arms protectively around herself.

"Don't be so silly Sam-"

"I don't deserve your sympathy so just stop!" Sam shouted defensively, still reeling from the adrenaline that was coursing through her veins.

Tom was completely and utterly confused. He knew Sam was stubborn and liked to deal with things in her own way but this way so off the wall, even for her. He felt a sense of dread settle in his stomach. Something else was going on, but he couldn't figure it out.

"Sam I don't understand, please just talk to me," Tom pleaded. He was at his absolute wits end.

"You won't, you can't, I-I," Sam stuttered, failing to get the words out properly. She couldn't bear it. Couldn't bear to reveal to him what she had done. She couldn't reveal what she had let that man do to her.

"It's okay Sam," he soothed.

"It's not," she said, a single tear slipping down her cheek.

"Then tell me," Tom urged gently.

"Don't make me say it," Sam whispered, unable to keep the torrent of tears from falling.

"What? I don't-" Tom started to ask her, before Sam pulled up her sleeves and showed him her wrists.

Tom stared at the newly exposed bruises. The bile rose up in his throat as he recognised the pattern, the way the deep purple marks were grouped. There was only one way Sam had got those bruises, and it wasn't from a mugging. Then slowly the whole horrific truth fell into place. The way Sam had acted that morning, every time she had flinched away from him and refused his help.

"No," he whispered, swallowing a thick lump in his throat. He didn't want to believe it, he couldn't bear it. The thought of someone hurting Sam like that was too much for him to comprehend. He was caught between utter devastation and rising anger at the bastard who had hurt her and it felt like in that one moment, his heart had broken in two.

"I'm sorry," Sam whispered brokenly. The tears then fell quicker and quicker in harsh angry sobs rested her head on her knees, not able to see the look on his face any more.

The control Tom had over his tears failed at Sam's apology and he sobbed, unable to speak as he tried to make sense of everything. He wanted to tell her that it wasn't her fault, that she had nothing to be sorry for but the words wouldn't come out of his mouth. He could do nothing but cry as Sam sobbed on the opposite him on the bed.

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**Thanks so much for reading :)**


	15. Understanding

**Hi guys, here is chapter 15. I'm not going to make excuses for not updating sooner because the reality is I've just been very busy with life! But I am back now and back to regular updates. Thank you so much for sticking with this. I am so grateful for all the reviews. It does get better for Sam and Tom I promise. There are about 0 more chapters of this so there's still quite a way to go! Please leave a comment if you have the time :)**

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"Sam…" Tom eventually managed to say through his tears, "Sam you have nothing to be sorry for,"

Sam sniffled, and Tom could see her shaking her head even though she was still resting it on her knees, hiding her face from him, "I can't do this right now," she whispered, her voice still shaky with tears. She knew what he was going to do. Tom was going to say it wasn't her fault, and that she wasn't to blame but they would be lies. Lies that he would tell himself as well as her. Lies that he would believe until he realised how dirty and weak she was and she wanted to save him the heartbreak.

"Please listen to me," Tom said desperately, reaching over to hold her hand.

He wanted to offer some form of comfort as obviously his words weren't working. Without looking up she pushed his hand away and shrank back into the pillows. Tom set his jaw as his attempt to comfort Sam was rebuffed. He didn't know what else to do if she was shutting down on him every time he tried to help. Everything he was doing seemed like the wrong thing and this only compounded his confusion and frustration. He was still in shock at what he had just learned and he was trying his hardest to keep his anger at the situation under control. He was angry at himself for not being there to protect Sam and he was angry at the scumbag who had attacked her. He realised with horror that he was even angry with Sam because she had kept the full details a secret from him. Wiping the remainder of the tears from his cheeks Tom moved back down to the end of the bed to give Sam some space.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Tom asked quietly, once he had regained some of his composure.

"I couldn't," Sam replied, her face still hidden from Tom's. She hadn't meant to let him know the truth but in that one vulnerable moment she had let her guard down. It wasn't meant to be like this and it was harder than she had ever imagined, to let him look at her now he knew.

"I'm your _boyfriend_ Sam," Tom said and it came out in a harsher tone than he had meant it to, "I'm sorry, I just. I should have been the first person you told," he said, softer this time.

Sam couldn't take much more. She couldn't bear that Tom was still being nice to her. He would realise sooner or later, when the shock had worn off & it would only hurt more then. It would be better if he left now.

"You weren't here," she said simply, knowing the reaction it would bring. As the words left her mouth it felt like she had taken a kick to the chest. She knew it was cruel, but it was better than him staying out of pity. He deserved better than what she was now.

Sam's words cut through him like a knife and in that moment Tom had never felt so worthless. She was right, _he hadn't_ been there. Tom was so caught up in his fury at everything that he didn't realise that this was what Sam did every time she felt vulnerable, that she lashed out at the people who tried to help her. He was just furious and hurt and it felt like she hadn't trusted him. The anger flared up in him again and he knew he had to leave before he said something stupid. Without a word he strode over to the door and left, slamming it behind him.

When Tom had left, Sam finally brought her head up from her knees and stared at the door he had just stormed though. She was so conflicted; relieved that Tom had gone but at the same time devastated that she had driven him away. She didn't know it was possible for one person to _feel _this much. She dug her nails into her arms desperately trying to distract herself from the tumultuous storm that was raging in her head.

* * *

_Day 2 - 11:25pm_

Tom drove aggressively, barely aware of speed limits and other drivers. In his fury he wasn't entirely sure when he had decided to go to the hospital but as he pulled in to the car park he knew he only wanted to see one person. Zoe Hanna. He parked haphazardly near the ambulance bay, ignoring the usual parking restrictions and stalked into the ED.

"Tom, alright mate?" Jeff greeted somewhat awkwardly as Tom walked past him and Dixie who were on their way out.

Tom didn't respond, instead he carried on past them without looking back. He could see it on their faces, Dixie's especially. They knew. So if they knew, Zoe obviously knew and he wondered angrily who else did. Probably half of the ED knew that Sam had been raped before she had finally told him the truth.

"Where's Doctor Hanna?" he asked and both Noel and Louise took a step back from the desk as a glowering Tom walked up to it.

"She's in her office-" Louise started before Tom turned sharply towards Zoe's office.

"I hope Sam's feeling better," Noel called out hopefully which earned him an elbow in the ribs from Louise.

But Tom didn't hear Noel through his anger and he barged into Zoe's office, not even bothering to knock.

"Excuse me," Zoe said, looking up over her glasses exasperatedly to see who had rudely let themselves into her office. When she was met with an angry looking, slightly red faced Tom, she stopped what she was doing and gave him her full attention.

"Tom, is everything okay" she asked, wincing slightly because she was fairly sure she already knew what his answer was going to be.

"Actually it's not," Tom said angrily, "You and how many other people in this ED know what really happened to Sam and I was left in the dark about _my own girlfriend_!" he shouted. He couldn't bring himself to use the word 'raped' he still didn't want to believe it was true.

"Sam asked us not to tell you and we had to respect patient confidentiality, you know that Tom," Zoe explained, keeping her voice calm in an attempt to sate his anger.

"Do you really think that was in her best interests? I've been dodging a minefield all day and I didn't even realise!"

Zoe sighed, she knew that this would happen sooner or later but she hadn't expected it to be this soon. And just as she had expected, she was stuck in the middle. "Tom can you just calm down please, I know that you're angry" she said authoritatively, after all, this was still her office and the last thing she needed was Tom making a scene.

"Angry? Of course I'm angry I should have been told, I could have, I could have…" he shouted, pacing around the small office in frustration.

"Could have what Tom?" Zoe said gently, realising why he was so angry. Tom was angry because he hadn't been there when Sam was attacked.

"I don't know," Tom admitted quietly, feeling some of the anger seep out from him as Zoe's words gave him some perspective back.

"Look, I know this is a shock okay and yes it probably would have been better if you had known from the start," Zoe said, indicating for Tom to take a seat.

Tom flopped down into the chair and sighed. Seeing past his initial fury he realised he wasn't really angry at Zoe, or even Sam. He was mostly angry with himself.

"But you have to think about Sam and not about yourself. There is nothing you could have done differently if you had known, you wouldn't have been able to get back any quicker. You can't afford to get angry about things you can't change. The fact is it happened, you can't go back in time and stop it from happening, no matter how much you want to. But you _can_ do something now," Zoe said, hoping that she was making sense to Tom.

Tom turned away from Zoe as a tear slipped down his cheek. Zoe was right. He had been so caught up in his own disbelief and fury that he had forgotten what was most important. Sam. And he'd walked out on her when she'd needed him the most.

"She won't talk to me, she won't even let me near her," Tom admitted. Normally there was no way he would be this vulnerable in front of his boss, but this was an extreme situation and she had made more sense so far than he had managed to.

Zoe walked around to sit on the front of the desk opposite Tom and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder, "She's been through a trauma, it's going to take some time for her to open up and it's going to take some adjustment and a lot of patience," she said, flashing a comforting smile, "And I don't think she quite realises it yet but she's going to need your support and your love and I know that you love her or else you wouldn't be beating yourself up so much about this,"

"Yeah but if I had just…" Tom started, thinking about that if he hadn't gone away, then it wouldn't have happened or at the very least he would have been here.

"No if's and no but's either," Zoe said, "She's carrying enough blame for the both of you. She's not going to able to accept that it's not her fault if she sees you blaming yourself. You have to be strong for her."

Tom let out a breath he hadn't realised he had been holding. In all honesty everything was a bit overwhelming and was hitting him with shocking clarity now the original shock was wearing off.

"If I could take this away from her I would in a heartbeat," Tom said sincerely and Zoe could tell that he meant it.

"That's why you're going to get through this," Zoe smiled, blinking back the tears that were pricking at her eyes. She and Tom rarely saw eye to eye but she felt that she had seen the real Tom Kent in the few minutes he had been here, "Go back to her and make sure she knows you love her,"

Tom nodded stiffly, a slight flush of embarrassment creeping up his cheeks as he realised he had just fallen to pieces in front of Zoe. He cleared his throat before he spoke, "Um, thanks Zoe,"

"Not a problem," Zoe smiled as Tom got up to leave, "and Tom," she called.

"Yeah?"

"Knock next time please," she said, bringing a small smile to Tom's lips.

Zoe breathed a sigh of relief when Tom left, that went as well as it could have done. She looked up at the clock tiredly. _11:40pm._ It really had been a long couple of days.

* * *

Day 3 - _12:03am_

Tom opened the door quietly, not wanting to disturb Sam if she was asleep. He needn't have worried because she was sitting on the sofa in the living room wrapped in a blanket. Tom took a deep breath. He had so much to apologise for and he wasn't entirely sure where to start. He opened his mouth to speak but Sam beat him to it.

"I'm sorry," she said, turning her head to face him, "I'm sorry for what I said earlier, about you not being here I -." Sam's hair was wet and her face was pale and drawn and Tom could tell that she hadn't gone back to sleep after he had left.

"No, no, Sam, _I'm_ sorry-" Tom cut in before Sam put her hand up to stop him.

"No I- I have to explain please," she said desperately. He sat on the chair opposite her and kept quiet so she could continue.

"You were in shock earlier and I said what I did because I was afraid," Sam explained. She kept her eyes trained on her l_ap, not able to look Tom in the eye as she spoke. She was so ashamed, "I was afraid that tomorrow or the next_ day you wouldn't want to be around me anymore, and I just wanted to stop you from staying with me out of pity, because you don't deserve that at all. But I didn't go about it in the most graceful way. So I want to give you an out. You get to leave, no questions asked and I won't blame you,"

Tom's mouth dropped open in shock for the second time that night, he was so confused. It had never once crossed his mind to break up Sam, "Why would I want an out?" he asked, too stunned to say anything else.

"Because," Sam choked out, trying to swallow the lump that was forming in her throat, "because he ruined me," she whispered.

Sam's last three words broke Tom's heart.

"No, no Sam. There is one thing I never ever want to do and that is leave you. I love you unconditionally," Tom said, fighting the urge to go over and wrap her in his arms, he knew what her reaction to that would be.

"I don't know how you can even stand to look at me," Sam said sadly. Tom's declaration of love just made Sam feel guilty and conflicted. She felt like she didn't deserve his love, yet she still found herself craving his presence and comfort.

"When I look at you I see the same strong, intelligent, beautiful, stubborn woman I fell in love with. Look at me," Tom said, "Please look at me?"

He waited for what seemed like an eternity and finally Sam brought her eyes up to meet his and he had to forced himself not to flinch as he saw the utter pain etched on her face.

"You can _always _tell when I'm lying. Sometimes you pretend that you can't and you let me off but I know that you know. Look at my eyes when I tell you that I love you. I love you regardless, this is _not_ your fault and I will be be here for you whenever you need me. I promise you that," Tom said, and it felt like he was pouring out his entire heart with his words, "We're going to get through this together,"

Sam watched a tear slip down Tom's cheek. He was right, she could always tell when he was lying and right now he looked as if he never believed in anything as strongly as he believed in the words he'd just said. There was a voice in her head crying out for her to believe him but there was another one just as strong telling her that just because he believed it, didn't mean it was true. She still _felt _weak and dirty and guilty, even if he didn't believe she was. She didn't know how to respond to him and she just sat silently, pulling the blanket around her a little tighter.

Sam looked so broken and tiny wrapped in the blanket and Tom's heart ached. He'd hoped that she would have acknowledged some of what he had said but he remembered what Zoe had said about it taking time. Slowly he moved towards her and outstretched his hand.

"Can I hold your hand?" he asked quietly, remembering that all his previous attempts to hug her had failed.

Before she really had a chance to think about it Sam's need for comfort won out and she nodded her head. Tom loosely grasped Sam's hand and smiled up at her. She was shaking and he rubbed his thumb across her knuckles comfortingly. It always worked to soothe her when she was upset.

"It's going to be okay," he whispered.

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**Thanks so much for reading :)**


	16. Treading on Eggshells

**So I have had the most horrific day at work and I'm uploading this before I even shower because that's how much I love you all :) Seriously though thank you for the reviews :) Hope you enjoy this chapter. The next update will be quicker I promise (how can I promise? Well it's already 3/4 written). And so on with the show...**

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_Day 5: 4.56am_

A muffled bang jolted Tom awake. He extricated himself from the blankets and stretched, his body slightly stiff from laying on a sofa that was too small for him. He'd chosen to stay at Sam's and sleep on the sofa rather than go home at night and despite the aches it gave him, he was glad he had because it allowed him to be there when Sam had her awful nightmares. He stumbled up the stairs sleepily, already knowing what to expect from the previous two nights.

The bang he'd heard had been the lamp being knocked off the bedside table and the way it was laying bathed the room in an unfamiliar shadow. Tom set it back in its place before he turned his attention to Sam.

"Sam, wake up," he said gently, approaching the bed with caution, "It's not real," he soothed, sitting down and shaking her shoulder gently, "wake up."

Sam bolted upright, clutching her ribs in pain. It took a second for her to catch her breath and wiggle away from Tom's hand. Tom felt helpless as he saw the panic flashing in her eyes as she looked around the room.

"It's not real," he said again as she sank back into the pillows.

Sam didn't reply and Tom knew that he had done all that he could for now. She would wait for him to go downstairs then she'd make her way into the bathroom and shower. Yesterday she had been in there for 3 hours and Tom hadn't had the heart to disturb her. Without a word he left the room and trudged back down to the living room. Sitting down on the sofa he put his head in his hands and sighed. He only had another two days off work, Zoe couldn't spare him any longer and he was worried about Sam. He was supposed to be looking after her but all the last two days had consisted of had been him walking on eggshells trying not to upset her or make her jump. He really only felt useful when he was able to wake her from her nightmares but even then she shrugged him off. He thought he had made a breakthrough the other night but she seemed to be shutting him out more and more. Switching on the TV he started folding the blankets, knowing there was no point in going back to sleep now.

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_Day 5: 9.23am_

"There's fresh coffee in the pot," Tom smiled as Sam finally made her way into the kitchen.

"Thanks," she said, starting to pour herself a cup.

"Are you hungry? I could make you some toast or-"

"Not really, thank you," Sam cut in, taking a seat opposite Tom at the table. She sighed quietly. She knew she should be eating better but her appetite had honestly disappeared and she couldn't explain it to Tom without him worrying too much.

"You should really eat something," Tom said tentatively, fearing Sam's reaction, "How about just one piece of toast?" he cringed slightly at the tone of his voice as he spoke, he sounded like he was trying to reason with a small child.

"Okay," Sam agreed. She'd have to force it down if it would take the worried look off of Tom's face. She hated that she was doing this to him.

Sam's quick agreement came as a surprise but Tom gladly sprang up and began to prepare the toast for her, making sure to butter all the way to edges, the way she liked it. Once it was done he busied himself with loading the dishwasher, knowing that Sam wouldn't want an audience while she ate.

Sam managed three small bites of the toast before she started to struggle and was grateful for the distraction when the phone began to ring. She stood up quickly before Tom had a chance to react and grabbed the phone.

"Hello? This is Sam Nicholls" she answered quietly, "…okay," she said shakily to whoever was on the phone and the tone of her voice caught Tom's attention.

All of the colour had drained from Sam's face, making her look paler than Tom ever imagined she could be. She kept saying 'okay' in to the phone but it looked like she wasn't really listening at all.

"Okay…okay…bye," Sam whispered. She put the phone down with shaking hands and wrapped her arms around herself defensively.

"Who was that?" Tom asked gently, moving so that he was opposite her, but not too close.

"D-DI Myles," Sam said shakily, "They've made an arrest,"

"Well that's, that's progress," Tom replied, deciding against calling it 'good news' considering the look that was currently on Sam's face.

"Hmm," she mumbled, nodding her head, "they want me to go in and identify him," she said, and suddenly Tom realised the reason for her reaction.

"It's ok," Tom tried to reassure her, knowing his words would probably do little good, "I'll take you," he offered.

"No Tom I don't-" Sam started to protest. She didn't know if she could even go through with it, let alone with Tom there. He'd be able to see the man who'd defiled her, and surely then he'd see her for what she really was.

"You shouldn't drive, not while you're still taking the codeine. I'll wait in the car if you want, just let me take you," Tom pleaded, desperately wanting to prove to Sam that he could help her if she let him.

Sam considered his offer for a moment. Deep down she knew that she couldn't really drive and that if she gave herself too much time to think about it she would probably end up not going.

"I don't want to you to come in," Sam said quietly.

"Whatever you want, okay," Tom gave her a slight smile, "You just let me know."

Reassured slightly by Tom's agreement Sam relaxed a little, "I'm going to go and get dressed,"

"Alright, I'm ready to go when you are," Tom called out as she made her way up the stairs. He sighed as he noticed the now forgotten toast. He'd just have to make sure she ate something substantial at lunch.

* * *

_Day 5: 10:56am_

Sam had been sitting with her hand on the door handle since Tom had parked up and switched off the engine. The journey to the police station had been mostly silent, despite Tom's efforts to start a conversation to take Sam's mind off the situation and she certainly didn't seem up for talking now. She kept looking between the time on the radio and the police station entrance and every time it looked like she was finally going to open the door she immediately shrank back a little further into her seat.

"I can walk you in," Tom offered.

Sam nodded her head slowly but she didn't move to get out of the car until Tom had. They walked silently towards the police station and Tom could see the tension in Sam's shoulders. She stopped suddenly outside the doors and he had to side step to stop himself from walking straight into her.

"Can you wait in reception? I can't, I can't-"

"It's okay. I understand," Tom said reassuringly. If he was being perfectly honest with himself he didn't know he would react seeing the man's face. The last thing Sam needed from him was more anger.

DI Myles greeted them in reception and after double checking that Sam didn't want Tom to come in with her ushered her away into a room down the corridor.

* * *

"I can't do this," Sam blurted out as they came to a stop outside a room with a locked wooden door. She'd managed to stay relatively calm up until now but now she was about to step in the room it felt too real.

"Sam, listen to me okay. This is really important," DI Myles informed her as Sam pressed her back against the opposite wall.

"You've already arrested him, why do you need me?" Sam asked, her voice high with panic.

"You're right, we do already have evidence against him, but if you make a positive ID it makes the case so much stronger," the detective explained kindly, "do you want me to go and get your boyfriend for you? It might be easier if-"

"No!" Sam snapped, "I mean no, no thank you," she said, regaining a bit of her composure, "Just give me a minute,"

Sam pressed her palms against the cool wall and closed her eyes. She took a couple of deep breaths and tried to refocus herself. _I can do this_ she repeated over and over in her head until she finally started to believe it.

"Okay," Sam said, physically pushing herself away from the wall.

"Right there's just a couple of things to go over," DI Myles said as she unlocked the door, "when you're ready, the lights will go on in the other room and you'll see a row of 6 men. It's a two way mirror and they will not be able to see you okay?" she explained as she saw a look of terror wash over Sam's face.

"If recognise any of them, I want you tell me the number, and I will ask you again to confirm alright?"

Sam wrapped her arms around herself and nodded.

"If at any time you want to stop, just let me know and we'll stop. You're in control,"

Sam had heard the same words from the DI when she had taken her statement at the hospital and she found that the reassurance that she would be able to stop if she needed comforting.

"Don't leave," Sam panicked as DI Myles crossed to a darkened corner of the room. Sam heard the click of a tape recorder and the detective reappeared at her side.

"I'm not going anywhere," she assured Sam.

Sam shivered and pulled her arms tighter around herself, "I'm ready," she said quietly, though she was sure she actually never would be.

All at once the room on the other side of the mirror came into view and she fought the urge to turn around and flee. She spotted him immediately. She didn't even have the chance to look at any other the other stony faced men because the face that had been haunting her nightmares stood out so prominently. His beard, _ how it had scratched against her cheek,_ his eyes, _ how cold they'd been when he'd been lying on top of her, _ his mouth, _his hot breath on her neck as he'd whispered disgusting things in her ear._

Her knees buckled and Sam would have fallen if DI Myles hadn't been at her side.

"Easy, easy, it's alright. Do you want to stop?" the DI asked.

Sam closed her eyes and furiously shook her head. She knew that if she stopped now she would never come back and do it again. She tried to speak but no words came out. Her mouth was so dry that it took her a few attempts before she made an audible sound.

"Number 3," she whispered hoarsely.

"Can you confirm that for me?"

"It's number three."

As soon as Sam had confirmed the number the light clicked off and she could no longer see the other room. It did nothing though to quell her panic.

"Get me out of here," Sam pleaded. She clamped her hand to her mouth as she felt her stomach turn.

DI Myles opened the door and Sam barraged past, running back down the corridor to reception. Tom saw her flying past as she ran into the bathroom. He saw DI Myles standing apologetically at the reception desk as he ventured into the bathroom after her.

"Sam," he called. He could hear her retching and knew there was probably very little in her stomach to come up bar the coffee and meagre bit of toast she had had this morning.

"Go away," she snapped between bouts of coughing. She whimpered and clutched her ribs as she sat down on the cold tiled floor.

Alarmed at the pained noise, Tom knocked lightly on the door, "Come on Sam open the door,"

"Just wait outside, please," Sam said, her voice weak.

Tom clenched his fists in frustration and left without saying a word. He was grateful that the bathroom door had a safety bumper on it so it wouldn't slam because he would have slammed it if it hadn't.

5 minutes later Sam emerged from the bathroom, her eyes bloodshot from the effort of coughing. She walked slowly with her arms wrapped around herself, not in defence this time, Tom noticed, but to support her broken ribs.

"Tom, please take me home," she asked in the tiniest of voices.

* * *

**Thank you for reading :) I would really, really appreciate if you could tell me what you liked/didn't like in a review ;) Thank youuu x**


	17. Progress

**Hey guys. I am so sorry for the lateness of this chapter. I rewrote it twice, had a case of extreme writers block, and then had to go home for a week to look after my mum who's been in hospital. I'm still not very happy with it but I just wanted to get it up so I could continue on with the story. I made it a bit longer to compensate for the delay. Thank you so so much for all the reviews they are very much appreciated and I hope you're all still interested in this story even though it's been a while since the last update. Thanks for sticking with me and please review :)**

_Day 6: 1:48pm_

* * *

Sam buried herself deeper into the covers as she heard Tom shout up to her that lunch was ready. The last thing she wanted to do was sit at a table and make small talk and eat. She'd managed to avoid Tom for most of yesterday after he had driven her back from the police station and she knew he was worried. She'd managed to force down a bit of soup for lunch and fought against him as he tried to get her to have dinner. In the end she'd given in and eaten half of it only for it to end up in the toilet bowl an hour later. Sam had managed to avoid breakfast by feigning sleep. She'd been right in guessing that he wouldn't wake her if he thought she was asleep. Sam barely slept during the night, the nightmares coming so fast that in the end she just decided to stay awake rather than go through the trauma of them again and again. After waking her up from the third one of the night, Tom had offered to sit with her but Sam had declined so violently she could see the hurt on his face as he accepted defeat. It was killing her that she kept pushing him away, she could see what it was doing to him but she just couldn't find a way to let him in. Because that would mean talking about it and it was better if he didn't know the details.

"Sam," Tom called, and she could hear his footsteps coming closer to the bedroom. She stayed still, closing her eyes and contemplated pretending to be asleep again. It wouldn't be too far of a stretch of the imagination; after all he knew how much she had been up last night, "Sam," he said, knocking on the door gently, "Lunch is ready."

He walked over and opened the curtains, flooding the room with daylight. She flinched slightly, the bright light visible even through her closed eyelids. Reaching down to switch off the bedside lamp he called her name again, "Sam, come on I know you're awake," Tom said. He had seen her little flinch when he had opened the curtains. She hadn't eaten properly for days and it was beginning to be more than a concern for him.

"Tom I'm not-" Sam mumbled, not bothering to turn her head to look at him.

"Don't think about saying you're not hungry alright? You haven't eaten a proper meal in days." he cut in before she had a chance to protest. He realised with a frown how stern he had sounded and he made an effort to make his voice softer before he spoke again "how is your pain today?"

"7," Sam answered honestly, sighing. She threw the heavy covers away from her and slowly pushed herself up into a sitting position. Between the vomiting and coughing she had done recently her ribs almost felt more inflamed than they had done a few days ago.

"Is it your ribs?" Tom asked gently, folding the strewn covers down neatly across the bottom of the bed so Sam would be able to get out without struggling.

"Mostly," Sam replied, cringing internally at her monosyllabic answers. It was unfair on Tom. Usually they were reserved for when they had been arguing or when he had done something stupid. But for whatever reason he wasn't getting annoyed with her, he just kept speaking to her like they were having a normal everyday conversation.

"Alright well we'll stick with the codeine three times a day for now until you're a bit more comfortable," Tom reasoned as he walked towards the door, "come down when you're ready," he smiled, "it's just chicken salad so it won't go cold."

"Okay," Sam nodded and she waited for Tom to close the door before she attempted to move. It was one thing him knowing she was in pain but she hated him seeing her show it. Sam ran her hand through her hair, failing to work out the numerous knots with her fingers. What she really wanted was a shower but she knew she'd committed to going down for lunch now, whether she wanted it or not. She pulled her grey hoody on over her pyjamas and shuffled her way to the door, determined to try and be in a better mood.

"In here," Tom called, as he heard Sam enter the kitchen. He'd decided to bring the lunch into the living room, hoping that the less formal setting would be more relaxing and that maybe Sam would eat a bit more.

Sam made her way into the living room to find two plates of chicken salad and a jug of orange juice on the coffee table. She sat down in the armchair and turned her attention to the TV. An episode of The Big Bang Theory was on E4 and for a moment she found herself engrossed in the geeky scientists. Tom caught a hint of a smile gracing her lips at a particularly funny moment as he handed her a tray.

"TV dinners Tom, this is more your style," she joked lightly as Tom picked up his own lunch and settled in front of the TV.

Still not used to Sam's rapidly swinging moods, it took Tom a moment to process that she'd made a joke, "Not quite TV dinners, there's even avocado in this salad," he retorted.

Sam looked down to the plate to find that indeed there was avocado, which she knew for a fact Tom hated, as well as radishes and rocket, her favourite things to have in a salad. To his credit, it looked lovely but once again she simply found herself without much of an appetite. She knew that now it was probably mostly down to the fact that she was scared of vomiting it up again, the pain from it had been almost unbearable. Still she made an effort to at least eat a bit after all of the effort Tom had put in.

They ate in a comfortable silence, the TV providing something for them both to focus their attention on. When they had finished, Tom swiftly cleared the plates away into the kitchen. He had hoped that Sam would have eaten a bit more but he remembered that some was better than none. Gathering two tablets and a fresh glass of water he went back into the living room.

"Thank you," Sam said quietly as Tom handed her the pills and the glass. She swallowed the pills quickly, before turning her attention back to the TV. Her tiredness caught up with her as the pills began to take effect and she soon dropped off to sleep.

Noticing the soft snoring Tom picked up the blanket from the back of the couch and draped it around Sam. She obviously needed the sleep and there was no point in waking her, she looked comfortable enough. He hesitated momentarily before bending down to place a soft kiss on Sam's forehead. Much to his relief she didn't stir.

"I love you," he whispered. He missed being able to do small simple gestures like that. It was hard trying to remember to keep his distance, especially when she was clearly upset and the first thing he'd usually do would be to give her a hug. He felt tears begin to prick at his eyes and he shook his head to clear his mind. However hard it was for him, he knew it was infinitely worse for Sam. He just wished she would let him in more. Tom busied himself with washing the dishes, choosing to do them by hand in an attempt to distract himself.

* * *

_Day 6: 3:37pm_

Tom's heart sank as he heard an all too familiar whimper coming from the living room. He abandoned the bed sheets he was changing and went downstairs hurriedly.

"Sam," he said, gently taking hold of her shoulders and shaking her slightly, "wake up, wake up."

She fought against him for a moment before her eyes snapped open and the panicked look that Tom loathed washed over her face.

"You're safe Sam, it's okay," he soothed as she shrank back into the armchair and away from him. He pulled the coffee table over and perched on it so he was facing Sam. She was shaking under the blanket and Tom wondered how long she could keep dealing with these nightmares. She was getting barely any sleep as it was and what she was getting he was sure wasn't restful. He had to go back to work in 2 days and he was worried about what would happen when he had to leave her in the house alone.

"Sam," he started gently, knowing that what he was about to say would probably go badly, "Do you want to talk about these nightmares you keep having?"

"No," Sam snapped, shaking her head, "Leave it,"

"Listen to me-"

"I said no,"

"I have to go back to work in 2 days," Tom explained, "and I'm not going to be here every time you have a bad dream,"

"So what," Sam shrugged, "I'll just, I'll-" Sam's words faltered as she realised she didn't know what she would do. She hadn't even thought that far ahead.

"You'll what? Not sleep? You know you can't do that Sam," Tom fought to keep from raising his voice. He didn't want to get angry with Sam but he knew his frustrations at the situation could come out in the wrong way and that wasn't what she needed.

"And talking to you is going to make them magically disappear is it?" Sam said angrily, blinking her eyes furiously to stave off the tears she could feel forming. She didn't want to cry again.

"I don't know but it might help, I want to help you but I can't if you keep bottling everything up," Tom explained desperately, "Please Sam,"

"You don't want to know what's going on in my head!" Sam shouted with such force that it made Tom jump.

"Sam-"

"No, you don't okay. Please stop," Sam pleaded as she pushed herself out of the armchair and walked off into the kitchen. She was losing the battle with her tears and they were threatening to spill over at any moment.

"You can trust me Sam," Tom assured her as he stood in the kitchen doorway. She had her back to him and she didn't turn to face him as he spoke.

"And can I trust you to still be here when I tell you what happened? Because I've played it over and over in my head and I don't see how you'll stay if you know the truth, I don't expect you to" Sam said, her voice cracking as the first tear spilled over and rolled down her cheek, "It's better that you don't know"

"We've been through this Sam, I love you and anything you say isn't going to change that," Tom took a step forward towards Sam, making sure he wasn't getting too close, "you can trust me to be here. I promise you." With tears stinging his eyes for the second time that day Tom waited for Sam's response.

"Even if it was my fault?" she asked, in a voice so tiny Tom wasn't sure if he'd heard her correctly.

"Sam, no, this was _not_ your fault," Tom was quick to state.

Sam shook her head as she heard what Tom had to say, "But it was," she said, the tears she had been battling so hard were now flowing freely down her cheeks. She turned to face Tom, clenching her fists so hard her fingernails were digging into her palms. "I went running in the park at 5am, I talked to him even though I knew deep down that something wasn't right and I realised it too late,"

"Sam you could have been running at midnight that still doesn't mean that it was your fault," Tom countered, but Sam wasn't really listening anymore, words just kept tumbling out of her mouth.

"I didn't fight hard enough, I should have… I should have been able to fight him off. I'm trained in hand to hand combat & MMA. You were right, what you said the other day, I didn't fight him off," Sam sobbed as he continued and Tom felt an almighty pang of guilt as he remembered his snarky comment. He hadn't known then of course, but even then it had been a low blow, now he realised just how much it must have hurt Sam.

"Sam, I'm so sorry," Tom said, but again she didn't hear him.

"I didn't fight hard enough, don't you see?" she cried, and the tears were coming so fast they were sliding off of her cheeks and dripping onto the tile floor below her, "I let him do this to me and now he's in my head and in my dreams and he's everywhere," taking a shuddering breath she pulled at her hoody, ripping it up over her head to reveal the bruises on her arms, "I can't get him off me, no matter how hard I try."

Sam had become more and more hysterical as her tirade against herself continued and Tom knew if she didn't calm down he was going to be dealing with a panic attack.

"Sam look at me," he said firmly as she continued to sob, "Look at me,"

Slowly she brought her eyes to meet his as tears kept escaping from her eyes. The look on her face broke Tom's heart and for a brief moment he wondered if either of them were going to be able to put their broken pieces back together. He pushed the thought out of his mind and concentrated on Sam, "Do you remember that patient, the lady from the hotel?" he said calmly, hoping that this tactic would work.

She nodded, though her breath was still ragged and her shoulders were heaving with sobs.

"She'd been… a man had…" Tom stumbled over the word, "a man raped her," he said. He saw her physically flinch at his use of the word but he continued, knowing that she needed to hear what he was going to say, "she agreed to have sex with him then changed her mind but he did it anyway so was that her fault?"

Sam took a deep breath as she considered Tom's words. A frown crossed her face and her sobs quieted a little as she thought about it. But there was really only one answer in her mind to that question, the woman was absolutely not to blame. "N-no," she stammered through her tears.

"Who was to blame?" Tom asked cautiously, daring to believe that he was getting somewhere.

"Th-the man," Sam said quietly, her sobs had lessened to soft hiccups and sniffles.

"_You're_ not to blame Sam," Tom insisted, "the man who di-"

"But I-I could have… could have fought him," Sam replied, shaking her head. _He will realise soon enough,_ she thought_._

"He knocked you unconscious, it was an unfair fight," he pointed to the bruises on her arms, "and you _did_ fight him Sam, anyone can see that you fought him. You didn't _let_ him do anything. He forced you."

Sam considered all that Tom had said, logically, she knew he was right, but it didn't shake the feeling she still had inside.

"Then why do I feel so guilty?" she asked, breaking down into harsh sobs once more.

"I- I don't know," Tom admitted, suddenly aware of tears running down his own cheeks. He hadn't even realised he was crying too. "I don't know, but what I do know is that I will be here, reminding you that this wasn't your fault until you don't need me to remind you anymore," he took a uncertain step towards Sam and held out his hand, hoping that she would take it, "I love you and I will always be here and I promise I will never ever hurt you. I'm going to keep you safe Sam,"

Sam didn't take Tom's hand, instead she stepped forward and fell against him, clutching fistfuls of his t shirt and burying her face in his chest. Tentatively he placed one arm loosely around her waist and the other on the back of head. He stroked her hair softly as she cried against him, her tears soaking his shirt.

"Sshhh," he whispered into her ear, "it's okay, I've got you."

* * *

**Please, please leave a review telling me what you liked (or didn't!) They really mean a lot to me. Thank you so much for reading xx**


	18. Trepidation

**Hi guys thanks so much for sticking with me and this fic. I actually can't believe the number of views I have on it it's staggering! & thank you so much to everyone who left a review or a PM I really do appreciate them a lot. Just thought I'd update this before I leave for work as I already had the chapter written. It's quite prose-y with a bit less dialogue but sometimes that's just the way my head wants me to write. It may seem like it's 1 step forward, 2 steps back with Sam at the moment but what I'm trying to do is write an accurate portrayal of Sam's recovery (to the best of my ability) and it isn't going to be straightforward BUT it does get better for her I promise. Hope you enjoy this chapter, and I'd really love to hear your comments/reviews :)**

* * *

_Day 8: 5:23am_

The atmosphere in Sam's house had been much more bearable the past few days. After she had finally admitted to Tom what she was bottling up inside she seemed to have relaxed a little. She was slightly less jumpy and a bit more cooperative when it came to eating. It wasn't a massive change but Tom was grateful that however little it had helped, their highly emotional confrontation the other night had at least done some good. She continued however to be plagued by her awful nightmares and despite her finally allowing Tom more than the bare minimum of physical contact he was still sleeping on the sofa and running upstairs to wake her several times a night.

It still worried him that he had to leave her alone and that was why this morning, when he had to be at work in an hour and a half he was sitting in the hallway outside the bathroom door listening to Sam cry in the shower. He'd knocked and called her name but she'd ignored him, so he resigned himself to sitting and waiting outside to be there when she came out. He hated, no he _loathed _hearing her cry but it was made worse by the fact he never seemed to be able to do anything about it.

* * *

Sam sat in the bath with the shower spray raining down on her with its full force. She'd given in to her lethargy and slid down into the porcelain tub at around the same time the tears had started. It was almost becoming a sort of twisted routine. She'd wake up early, exhausted from her 4th or 5th nightmare, drag herself to the bathroom and begin scrubbing herself to try to wash him off of her. Tom had gotten wise to this and removed all of the sponges and wash cloths from the bathroom but she just scratched with her nails instead. It never worked and she always ended up like this, crying hot salty tears that mingled with the flow of the steaming water.

Sam wasn't a crier. She never had been, had grown up believing that tears meant you were weak. Even on the worst day of her childhood; the day they had buried her beloved grandmother, a 15 year old Sam had allowed herself just a few quiet tears as she'd thrown a handful of dirt onto the coffin. She was finding it so hard to accept this new side of herself and it felt like she was so far away from the old Sam she wasn't sure if she would ever get back.

As the water began to run cold Sam finally hauled herself up and out of the bathtub. After she wrapped herself in her huge fluffy bathrobe she wiped the steam from the mirror and regarded her reflection, furiously swiping at the tears refused to stop falling. She no longer flinched when she looked at herself, she had become so used to seeing the ugly marks on her face and body. The cut was healing well though and she made a mental note to properly thank Fletch for insisting on resuturing it for her. The bruising around her eye had faded to a murky green-yellow but the swelling was still pronounced. The bruises which covered the rest of her were fading in the same way. Slowly but surely they were disappearing from her body. She just wished the feeling of him would disappear in the same way.

Sam raked her hand through her wet hair and sighed. Tom had to work today and it was the first time she would be by herself since Saturday, barring the few hours when she'd fought with Tom. She knew he was worried, she'd heard him on the phone to Zoe last night begging for one more day off which she assumed Zoe wasn't able to give him. Things had been less strained since she had broken down the other night but her sense of guilt hadn't abated and she still found herself second guessing Tom even though he hadn't wavered in his promise to be there for her. Loyal as ever he had made her meals, brought her tea and woken her every time she had a nightmare. With each passing hour Sam had been making an effort to try and keep her mood up, not to lie to Tom but in an attempt repay him for all he was doing for her. Sam had noticed the way he relaxed when he thought she was doing better, but trying to keep it up all day was tiring. In that respect his going back to work was almost a relief, but the thought of being alone for 12 hours without the hourly distraction of Tom popping his head around the door scared her. She would have time, too much time to ponder things.

Still Sam had spent the best part of an hour last night reassuring him that she would be fine while he went to work. She knew rationally that if they were ever going to reach some sense of normalcy again Tom needed to get back to work and she needed to try and cope on her own.

* * *

Tom jumped up as he heard the click of the lock. He'd had 20 minutes to think of something to say that would comfort her or make her feel better but when he came face to face with Sam the look of utter defeat on her face chased his words away. She was shivering slightly, her arms wrapped tightly around herself and the oversized navy blue bathrobe made her look tiny and frail.

Instinctively he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her and it took Sam just seconds to force herself out of his embrace. She pressed her back to the wall, her hands out in front of herself warning Tom away from any further contact. He didn't miss the flash of panic in her eyes before she pulled her gaze down to the floor.

Sam had seen the look of confusion and hurt on Tom's face and she couldn't bear it. She didn't know why she had reacted like that. She had seen him coming towards her with outstretched arms, it wasn't like he had surprised her from behind. But as soon as Tom had encircled his arms around her she had frozen while a sense of panic washed over her and Sam had needed to get free. She'd allowed him to hug her this other night, and this should have been no different.

"I-I'm sorry," she whispered, but Tom was already making his way down the hallway.

* * *

_Day 8: 6:19am_

Sam trudged down the stairs and found Tom sitting at the kitchen table staring aimlessly into a mug of coffee.

"Tom, I'm sorry about earlier," she apologised, stepping into the kitchen.

Tom looked up and smiled, a little too wide and too bright, "No it's alright, I should have asked, _I'm_ sorry,"

Sitting down opposite Tom, Sam sighed. She could see right through his act. She hadn't failed to notice the hurt that had flashed across his face before it had been replaced by confusion.

"No. It's not. I don't want you to feel like you did something wrong when you didn't. It was my stupid reaction, not anything you did wrong" she explained, "I don't know why, I mean, my body just sorts of takes over. I can't control it,"

Sam saw his mood lift slightly as she desperately tried to explain herself. She didn't even understand her reactions herself and she hoped that it made at least some sort of sense to Tom.

"I thought I'd scared you," Tom admitted softly.

"You didn't, I mean, I _was _frightened, but not of you. It's not rational," Sam said, screwing her face up in frustration.

"Hey, hey, it's alright," Tom smiled, softer this time, "It's going to take time. We both know it is. It's okay," he reassured her. He reached across the table with his hand outstretched and was relieved when Sam placed her hand in his. He smiled at her and gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

"Are you going to be okay today?" he asked, the concern evident on his face.

"Yeah," Sam nodded, "yeah I'll be okay."

* * *

_Day 8: 8:54am_

Tom had hesitantly left for work a little over two hours ago and in that time Sam had managed to thoroughly clean her kitchen. She hadn't really been in it for a week and as hard as Tom tried, he wasn't the best at cleaning up after himself. Her ribs were protesting with the effort but as she looked at the sparkling worktops and freshly mopped floor she knew it had been worth it. She made herself a coffee and headed into the living room. Switching on the TV Sam flicked through the channels in an attempt to find something that would hold her interest. She had been able to keep herself distracted for the past couple of hours but she knew she couldn't push herself too hard physically.

As soon as Sam sat down and attempted to relax she felt herself begin to get more restless. The clang of the pipes & the thud of her neighbours slamming doors seemed louder and more amplified than they should but Sam kept sipping her coffee and tried to ignore her rising anxiety. She almost jumped off of the sofa when she heard the post being pushed through the door and she was grateful that the mug she was holding was almost empty.

*knock knock*

Sam's heart started thudding in her chest as she heard the knock at her door. Rationally she knew it had to be the postman, but she was feeling so panicked that she couldn't even bring herself to go and loop through the peephole.

_Don't be so stupid,_ she chastised herself as she recoiled at the sound of another knock. But however hard she tried Sam could not get up from the sofa. Less than a minute later a little red card was pushed through the letterbox indicating that she had indeed just missed a parcel delivery. It took a good five minutes for Sam to calm down enough to retrieve the post from the doormat and with shaking hands she carried the bundle of post into the kitchen. Throwing it down angrily on to the table she screwed her eyes shut in frustration. She couldn't believe that this was what she had been reduced to; a woman who couldn't even answer the door on her own.

Maybe she had been wrong about being able to cope on her own, she clearly wasn't doing very well but Sam didn't want to ring Tom and worry him more than he already was, she knew he'd feel bad. She knew Fletch was at the ED because he worked alternate Saturdays so that left Zoe, who she hadn't even talked to since she'd left her flat on Sunday. Pressing her hand to her chest Sam tried to quell her rising panic. She reached for her phone and dialled Zoe's number.

"Hello," Zoe said, picking up after just two rings.

"Are you at work?" Sam asked, and it came out blunter than she wanted it to.

"No, I'm off today…" Zoe paused, hearing the strange tone of Sam's voice, "is everything alright? Are you okay"

"Yeah, yeah," Sam said, making an effort to sound more normal, "erm, it's Tom's first…and I… I'm just," Sam stammered, annoyed with herself that she was even making this call in the first place.

"Do you want me to come over?" Zoe asked kindly, and she heard Sam's audible sound of relief.

"Please. If you don't mind," Sam babbled, relieved that Zoe had managed to understand her.

"I won't be more than half an hour," Zoe reassured her, "I'll see you in a bit,"

"Bye," Sam said quietly as she ended the call. Exhausted, she sat down on the kitchen floor, leaned her head back against the fridge and exhaled sharply. _Why is this happening to me?_

* * *

_Day 8: 9:36am_

Zoe knocked at the door hurriedly, Sam hadn't sounded great on the phone and she was worried. When she got no response she opened the letterbox and called through.

"Sam, it's Zoe,"

Zoe reached for her phone, intending to call Sam but she heard the click of the door as it was opened. She stepped inside and as Sam closed the door behind her Zoe got a good look at the younger woman. Sam was visibly shaking and the colour was drained from her cheeks.

"You're not okay are you?" Zoe asked gently, though the answer was already clear.

"No," Sam whispered, shaking her head.

"Come here," Zoe said, wrapping her arm around Sam and steering her towards the sofa, "let's have a sit down."

* * *

**thank you so much for reading and I'd love to hear your reviews :) x**


	19. Companionship

_Day 8: 9:38am_

Zoe sat Sam down on the sofa, slightly alarmed at how much she was trembling. She was a bit surprised when Sam pressed herself closer into her side but Zoe tightened her hold on her, rubbing her shoulder in an attempt to calm her down.

"You're okay," Zoe soothed as the shaking finally started to subside.

Sam hadn't made a sound and Zoe realised it was up to her to try and figure out what had happened to make her so frightened.

"What happened Sam?" she asked gently.

"Nothing," came Sam's whispered reply.

Zoe frowned, a puzzled look crossing her features, "I don't understand,"

"I mean nothing happened. I was just watching TV then there was a knock at the door. I knew it was the postman but I just couldn't open the door," Sam put her head in her hands and sighed, "It's ridiculous I know it is." She couldn't help the flush of embarrassment from flooding her face. Now that Zoe was here and her panic had abated she couldn't help but feel ashamed at the situation. She sat up a bit straighter, extricating herself from the comfort of Zoe's arms.

"No it's not," Zoe was quick to reassure her but it didn't stop Sam from feeling frustrated with herself.

"I didn't realise it would be this hard on my own. I thought I could handle it" Sam admitted, "I hate this,"

"You have to give yourself a break alright? It's only been a week, and it's a big adjustment now Tom's gone back to work. I'm sorry I couldn't give him any more time off," Zoe apologised.

"No, it's okay, I'm glad that he's gone back to work. He's been so patient with me. He deserves to have some normality back," Sam said shaking her head slightly, "I just wasn't expecting to react like this. I usually deal okay with things on my own,"

"I know that. But you just have to trust the people who are going to help you when it gets a bit too much and I know that's hard when you're used to doing things by yourself. You got me, and Fletch. And Tom," Zoe said gently and she saw Sam tense up at the mention of Tom's name.

"Please don't tell Tom," Sam said, a desperate look on her face.

A warning look flashed across Zoe's face. Sam had been down this route before and it had ended badly, "Do you think it's a good idea to keep things from him? "

"I don't want him to feel bad, he already feels bad enough for leaving me today. He'll just worry if he thinks I can't cope," Sam explained.

"He's worrying anyway. Nothing anyone can do can stop him from worrying about you. But that's just because he loves you Sam. He's stronger than you think, your Doctor Kent," Zoe smiled kindly. She wasn't entirely sure when she had become this adept at giving advice, but it seemed that she was on a roll & Zoe decided to go with it, hoping that the conversation was helping Sam.

"I know he's strong but I don't want him to have to carry this too. It's not his burden, he didn't ask for this," Sam sighed, her face a patchwork of confusion and guilt.

"Neither did you. And the thing is," Zoe explained, recalling the conversation she had had with Tom in her office, "when you hurt he hurts, and if he didn't want to be here going through this with you then he wouldn't be. You're right, it's not his burden, but he's _chosen_ to carry it with you. That's the difference,"

Tears prickled at Sam's eyes as she realised how incredibly lucky she was that she had Tom. She had been aware of course of all of the practical things he had been doing for her over the past week but it seemed that in this moment the full weight of his support was hitting her. He had been patient and kind, even though she had been apathetic towards him and at times, even horrible.

"Hey, no tears alright?" Zoe smiled, rubbing soothing circles in the middle of Sam's back.

"I've been so selfish," Sam remarked.

"No you haven't, you've reacted to a trauma. Everyone reacts in a different way, you know that, you've seen it a hundred times in the ED," Zoe said.

Sam didn't respond, she just kept staring ahead, and Zoe realised that this must have been a pretty intense conversation for her. She continued rubbing small circles on Sam's back, allowing time for her to process all that they had talked about.

"Do you fancy going for a walk?" Zoe asked, after a couple of minutes of silence and she saw Sam visibly baulk at the question.

Sam felt a fresh flash of panic at Zoe's suggestion. She even hadn't been outside since she'd been to the police station with Tom. Just an hour before she hadn't even been able to answer her door and she wasn't sure that she could face going outside.

"I don't know Zoe, I'm not really feeling great," Sam said, pulling a face.

"A bit of fresh air might make you feel better, how about just down the road and back?" Zoe reasoned. She realised that Sam was feeling anxious, but if she could help her to nip some of her fear in the bud that would be better for Sam in the long term.

"Alright," Sam agreed uncertainly, "Let me get my coat."

* * *

_Day 8: 10:23am_

It took a good 5 minutes for Sam to even leave the front doorstep. She desperately tried to slow her racing heart but she found her head turning to establish the source of every noise she heard. Zoe was standing a few feet away, already on the pavement and Sam was grateful that she wasn't crowding her. She ran through the situation rationally, it was the middle of the day, she was with Zoe, they were sticking to the main road and most importantly, her attacker was still remanded in custody. She realised she could walk and walk for miles and still she wouldn't come across him. Sam took a deep breath and steeled herself against her anxiety and joined Zoe on the pavement. Without words they began to walk down the street awkwardly at first as Sam was taking small stiff steps, partly from anxiety and partly from pain. Being indoors for so long had taken its toll on her bruised body and it took a while for her joints to loosen out. Zoe hung back, keeping the pace slow until she saw Sam start to relax.

It was a cool, crisp autumn day and the air was surprisingly clean. As her body started to relax her mind did too and she was glad that Zoe had suggested a walk. Her ribs protested a little as she inhaled the October air deeply but she pushed the feeling aside, enjoying the sense of freedom that had overcome her, she couldn't believe that minutes ago she had been so terrified. Sam had never been one to let four walls constrain her and she was relishing the feeling of being outside again.

Sam heard Zoe digging in her handbag and frowned as the older woman pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

"Fresh air Zoe?" Sam asked sarcastically, a hint of a smirk gracing her lips.

"I _am _cutting down," Zoe protested, but Sam raised her eyebrows at her until she relented and put the pack back in her bag.

"You need to quit," Sam said, matter of factly.

"A woman is allowed one vice!" Zoe retorted.

"And chocolate and wine aren't vices?" Sam asked, raising her eyebrows expectantly.

"Fair point," Zoe relented.

The pair had walked aimlessly, further than Zoe had initially envisaged going and they came to a stop outside a small fenced park. For a Saturday it was suspiciously absent of children, and in apparent ignorance of the sign which said admittance was for children aged 5-12 Sam lifted the latch on the gate and walked into the play area. Zoe followed, walking quickly to try and stop her heels from sinking too far into the damp grass. It soon became apparent that Sam was making a beeline for the swings.

Sam had loved swings as a child and had carried this fondness into her teenage years and adult life. After every argument, breakup or bad day there was little that soothed her more than the rhythmic forwards and backwards motion of a swing, as if the gentle rocking could force the upset out of her the higher she went.

Zoe, on the other hand had not been on a swing since she was about 9 years old and was not particularly liking the idea of squeezing herself onto a seat made for a child. She looked around for a bench and was dismayed to find there wasn't one.

Sam settled herself easily onto one of the seats and began to swing gently, scraping her feet along the ground because it was set a little too low for her height. She looked expectantly at Zoe who sighed and wiggled herself onto the seat, gripping the metal chain to steady herself.

"You don't like swings?" Sam asked, with a tiny hint of amusement on her face as she watched Zoe balance herself on the swing.

"Well I'm not really built for them," Zoe replied with a snort of laughter, "Whereas you, I bet you'd fit in that baby swing over there," she said, nodding across the park.

"Tom dared me one time," Sam smirked mischievously, "he found it hilarious, in the end the park warden came by and told us to leave. I'm sure the only reason the photos haven't found their way into the ED is because I threatened to shave off his eyebrows in his sleep," she explained.

"I'll make sure to ask him about them then," Zoe joked, but she noticed that Sam had gone quiet. She stayed silent, giving Sam some time to mull over whatever had pulled her out of the happy state she had just been in.

"He thought he scared me this morning," Sam said quietly, her attention focused on the toe of her right shoe which she was currently scuffing on the ground, "he hugged me and I pulled away,"

"It's okay-"

"No I, I hugged him the other night, I basically told him it was okay and then I reacted like that. He was so hurt, he pretended he wasn't but he was," Sam said with a sigh, "It's like nothing I do is rational, I'm okay with you and I was okay with Fletch,"

"Well it's a bit different with me and Fletch isn't it?"

Sam looked up at Zoe and studied her face for a moment, "What do you mean?" she asked.

"Well er, you're in a relationship with Tom, it's different,"

"He wouldn't… I'm not afraid of him. Ugh, that's what's so frustrating, I'm not, but I am. It's irrational," Sam said exasperatedly, "I'm not irrational," she added quietly.

"That's not what I meant," Zoe said quickly, realising that Sam was getting annoyed, "I just… maybe deep down you feel like there's an expectation of intimacy that you're not ready for. It might not be rational, but I don't think anyone would be acting rational after what you've been through. Even you Sam," Zoe smiled kindly.

"I hadn't thought of that," Sam admitted. She had been spending so much time gripped by fear or self-loathing that she hadn't really had much time to think about things properly.

"I'm sure Tom would talk some stuff over with you, it might help?"

"Oh Zoe, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to talk so much I…"

"Sam it's fine, it's good to get things off your chest" Zoe smiled, "I'm here for you any time you need to talk, I just think that maybe if you talk with him about some of the stuff we've talked, things might make a bit more sense to Tom, and maybe you'll stop beating yourself up,"

"Maybe," Sam replied, "Zoe?"

"Yeah,"

"Thank you," Sam said, failing to hide the hint of embarrassment in her voice, "I know this is probably your first day off in ages. It means a lot,"

Zoe couldn't help but smile at Sam's awkward thank you. No one would ever have said the two would be best friends but unlikely situations tend to produce unlikely outcomes and Zoe was just glad they she was able to support Sam as best as she could.

"Well it seems for one day only my advice has actually been passable," Zoe joked, "but seriously, it's okay Sam, I'm happy to help. Although I would rather like to get off of this swing now I have concerns about the viability of my lower limbs,"

Sam gave a small chuckle, grateful that Zoe had responded with humour and not made it more awkward than Sam felt she had already made it.

Much to Zoe's disdain, Sam hopped off the swing more gracefully than someone with still healing injuries should have done and she wiggled out much as she had wiggled in, flexing her feet to work out the stiffness in them.

"I still don't like swings," Zoe remarked as they made their way to the park gate.

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**Thanks for reading. This chapter was a bit different, and Sam's talking a bit more, but this is all part of her recovery and she's slowly getting better. Please leave a review :) xx**


	20. Little Victories

**Here's chapter 20 finally. I'm not going to make excuses for it's lateness because in reality it was just my own frustration and writers block that stopped it from going up sooner. There's not a lot of action in this bit I hope you enjoy it anyway and a big thank you to everyone who's stuck with me this far and especially to Beth who ever so gently nudged me to finish this chapter ;) I'd love to hear your comments :) xx**

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_Day 8: 11:47am_

On the walk back both Sam and Zoe were both mostly quiet, but it was a comfortable relaxed silence and Zoe found herself momentarily forgetting that the horrible events of the last week had happened. Then she caught sight of Sam walking slightly in front of her and the way she stopped and drew in a sharp breath every now and then, clutching her ribs to brace herself against the pain reminded Zoe that they had.

"Are you okay?" Zoe asked as they rounded the last corner to Sam's flat.

"Mmhmm," came Sam's reply, but Zoe could hear a sigh of relief when the blonde looked up to see that they were only 10 feet from her front door.

Sam bit her lip as she reached for her key. The walk they had been on had probably been too long but the peace it had brought to her mind was worth it. She wasn't entirely sure why she had decided to trust Zoe this much. After all they were hardly the best of friends but she knew it had started the moment Zoe had shut the rest of resus out with the screens when Sam had been vulnerable and terrified, her kind brown eyes reassuring her that she was okay. Sam shuddered as she remembered being in the ED, and shook her head quickly to try and rid herself of the memory.

"I've got it," Zoe said kindly, reaching to take the key out of Sam's hand. She hadn't realised she had been fumbling with the lock.

"I'm not going to be running any marathons soon am I?" Sam joked feebly as they walked into the hallway.

"Not quite, look I didn't mean for this to make you feel worse," Zoe started, before Sam cut her off.

"No it was good, I needed, I needed to get out. I've been putting that off," Sam explained.

"Listen," Zoe started, biting her lip as she wasn't sure how her suggestion would be taken, "have you thought about maybe talking to a professional?"

Zoe pulled a face as she waited for Sam's response. It wasn't that she was Truro fob Sam off, she promised she would be there for her, but Zoe knew there were going to be questions she didn't have answers to and situations she wouldn't have a clue how to handle.

Sam sighed and made her way into the loving room, she gingerly sat down in the armchair before she spoke again.

"I've thought about it," Sam admitted , motioning Zoe to take a seat also, "I had counselling while I was in the army. Twice actually,"

"Did it help then?" Zoe asked awkwardly, sometimes getting information out of Sam was harder than getting blood out of a stone.

"A bit, when I was interested in putting the work in," Sam said, "they called yesterday,"

Zoe stayed quiet, confused by Sam apparent jump in conversation topic.

"Victim support," Sam explained as she saw the confused look on Zoe was giving her. Zoe noticed how Sam's face screwed up slightly as she'd said the words. If there was one thing Zoe knew for certain, it was that Sam wouldn't appreciate being labelled a victim.

"It's just the name of it Sam it doesn't mean..."

"No it's not even that," Sam sighed, "not really. It's just they gave me all of this information about different groups and places to go and to be honest I'm not even sure if I can face any of it. You saw me earlier I couldn't even open the front door,"

Sam sighed again and looked down at her lap, defeated. Despite whatever progress Zoe thought she had made with Sam during the last couple of hours it was clear that it wasn't going to be a straight and easy path, it felt like they were right back at the beginning.

"You don't have to make any decisions now, it was just a suggestion," Zoe said calmly, hoping to save Sam any more distress.

Sam shook her head and sighed again, "I just wish I was coping better I'm not used to feeling like this," she admitted.

"There aren't a set of instructions you can follow Sam, you need to stop trying to rationalise it. It's irrational, and that's okay," Zoe paused and frowned, maybe she was being too harsh.

"What I'm trying to say is, you need to let this process go at the pace it needs to. I know you're not the most patient of people," Zoe breathed a sigh of relief as that comment pulled a small smile from Sam's lips, "but you can't rush it,"

Sam nodded, concentration etched on her face as she seemed to be figuring something out.

"Can we discuss me coming back to work?" Sam asked and the question was so far from what Zoe was expecting that her mouth dropped open in shock.

"Sam I don't, look," Zoe started, trying to work out someway that she could handle what was a rather ridiculous request considering Sam's current state.

But Sam had already thought this over and was quick to explain what she meant, "No Zoe I know, not right now, I think it might help, just a timeframe,"

That was Sam through and through, Zoe thought. Enticing herself to get through a trauma with the promise of going back to work. It would probably be the last incentive that would work for Zoe but she could see how it would for Sam.

"Well you need to heal physically first, so at least another 2 weeks I'd say at a push, but you need, you have to be ready," Zoe said as sympathetically as she could, "and then you'd be on cubicles for a while, you know how long broken ribs take to actually heal,"

Sam nodded, taking in all that Zoe was saying. She knew in her heart that 3 weeks was pushing it, not just for her physical injuries but her state of mind. She knew Zoe was trying to spur her on by giving such optimistic estimate but she'd also seen the doubt in the older woman's eyes.

"Thanks Zoe," she smiled, "three weeks and I'll be back causing trouble, you'll be wishing I hadn't come back,"

There it was again, Zoe realised, Sam's walls were going back up. But she hoped at least some of what they had talked about was helpful. She couldn't help but feel out of her depth. And despite whatever Sam had shared she couldn't hope to have a clue of what she was really feeling.

"Yeah well I'm sure Tom'll be keeping an eye on you," Zoe joked back, and she didn't fail to notice the tiny flinch as Sam heard his name.

"I'm not going to tell him about today, it's not my place," Zoe said kindly, "but I really think you should. He's hurting for you Sam, just try and let him in,"

Sam shook her head and opened her mouth to protest but Zoe cut in before she had a chance to speak.

"Just trust me," Zoe said, knowing that Sam probably had no idea about the chat she and Tom had had in her office.

"Do you want a coffee or something?" Sam asked. She was just about reaching her limit of talking about herself but she felt bad because Zoe had basically given up an entire morning to babysit her.

"No I'm alright thank you. Look I have to go soon, will you be okay?"

"Yeah I'll be fine, thank you Zoe," Sam replied, quietly relieved.

"Because I can definitely shift things, it's not a problem-"

"No really, I think, I think I'll be fine," she assured her, with a smile that to Zoe was the most genuine one she had seen all morning.

Zoe stood, brushing out the creases from her skirt as she did so. She have a quick glance to her cream shoes now partly green in places.

"Your shoes," Sam said, looking down and seeing the stained leather, "I didn't even consider you were wearing heels," she blushed a pale pink, "I'm so sorry,"

"Don't worry about it, I've been told I have far too many pairs anyway, what's one ruined pair when I had the fun of swings,"

"You hated it didn't you? The swings?"

Zoe bit back a laugh, "Yes. But it's alright, the time will come and I'll take you somewhere to get even,"

Zoe checked her watch, it was 12:21. "I'm going to head off," she said, making her way towards the door, "you've got my number. You can call me any time alright?" Zoe insisted, wanting to make sure that Sam knew she could turn to her.

Sam struggled up out of the armchair, her aching ribs reminding her that she had once again forgotten to take a dose of painkillers and followed Zoe to the front door.

"Thank you Zoe," Sam said quietly, it was getting slightly less awkward every time she accepted Zoe's help, she was slowly getting used to it but there was still part of her that was embarrassed.

"Not a problem," Zoe smiled, rubbing Sam's shoulder comfortingly, "talk to Tom," she reminded gently, before she walked out of Sam's flat.

Sam took a deep shaky breath as she looked around the flat and realised she was once again alone. She had been slightly overwhelmed by Zoe's presence towards the end of her visit but that was only because they'd started talking about Tom again and had been momentarily relieved when Zoe had announced that she had to leave. Sam had underestimated how quickly she would start to panic once she was alone again and she felt her heart begin to race again. Trying not to think about anything much at all she went to the kitchen to get her painkillers.

_You_ _can do this sam, _she willed herself as she poured a glass of water with shaking hands. She stood in the middle of the kitchen, her hands firmly gripping the back of one of the chairs as she fought with herself to calm down.

_Stop it. Breathe_.

It took her a good 10 minutes but after plenty of long deep breaths Sam had managed to calm herself to a point where her hands had stopped shaking. She smiled a tiny smile at her small victory. Knowing that she needed to keep her mind occupied, after all that's what Zoe had done for her whilst she been here, Sam began to root around the cupboards looking for ingredients.

_Day 8: 8:34pm_

Tom found himself standing apprehensively outside the front door of Sam's flat. He'd sent her a couple of texts during the day to which he'd received simple replies. She'd asked him not to phone and he'd complied bit now he couldn't help but wish he was going in with at least a bit of warning as to what her current mood was.

As he slid the key into the lock he prayed a silent prayer that she would be okay. Stepping into the flat Tom was greeted with a delicious smell which was obviously coming from the kitchen.

"Sam," he called out loudly to make sure he didn't catch her by surprise, "Sam it's me,"

Sam came walking out of the kitchen with her hair in a messy bun and splotches of flour all over her face. For a split second Tom forgot all about the past week and just basked in her adorableness. It was as she got closer that he could see the dark circles under her eyes and tightness in her face that told him she was in pain. Still she smiled at him as he walked over.

"Something smells delicious," he said, not quite believing that this was the same woman he'd left that very morning.

"Good day at work?" Sam asked, wiping her hand over her face in an attempt to get the flour and though he noticed she was keeping her distance from him, Tom was grateful for her apparent change in demeanour.

"Very long, not very exciting. But all the better now I've come home to this,"

"It's just chicken pie, there's no food in this house I had to raid the freezer,"

"You made pastry," Tom noted with a smile, though he knew how much that would have taken out of Sam, "you didn't have to go to all this trouble Sam," he said softly and he was dismayed when he saw her face fall slightly.

"No I mean, it's fantastic, but you need to rest too,"

"I was bored, and I wanted," Sam started to say before her words caught in her throat, "I want to say sorry for this morning,"

Tom began to protest, Sam had already apologised before he'd gone to work but she held up her hand and stopped him.

"No just listen for a second, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm not acting rationally, I'm trying but it's not always going to work. But I want you to know one thing, I am not scared of you. I don't want you to ever think that," the words tumbled out of Sam's mouth almost too fast for her to enunciate properly, "however I react, I'm not scared of you," tears threatened to fall from Sam's eyes but she blinked them back, she was fed up with crying.

"I know," Tom said gently, smiling that beautiful smile that always melted her heart, "it's okay,"

A look of relief washed over Sam's features at Tom's reassurance.

"You've still got a bit of-" Tom gestured to his own cheek to signal that Sam had flour on hers.

Tom's heart leaped as Sam half smiled and looked at him expectantly. Tentatively he reached out and gently brushed away the flour from her cheek with his thumb. It was such a simple touch but it meant so much. In that moment Tom was sure they were going to be okay.

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**Thank you so much for reading and for your patience. I'd love to hear your comments :)**


	21. 6 Steps Back

**Hey this is just a little update because I wanted to get something out as a thankyou for all of the reviews I got for the previous chapter. They really do mean a lot and I'm so grateful for each and every one. This chapter is a little shorter than the previous ones but it felt like a good place to break it so that the next chapter flows nicely. hope you enjoy it and please review to tell me what you did/didn't like. thanks for sticking with me this far!**

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_Day 9: 5:48am_

She was getting better at waking herself up from her nightmares before they truly claimed her into their clutches, Sam realised as she attempted to untangle herself from the tangle of bedsheets that were currently wound around her legs. She paused for a moment, listening to see if she had disturbed Tom but upon hearing no evidence of his stirring coming from downstairs she proceeded to extricate herself from the bed. In a way she was grateful because now that Tom had gone back to work the last thing he needed was disturbed sleep but she had to admit that it took her longer to calm herself down when Tom wasn't there when she woke.

Taking a couple of deep breaths to try and still her pounding heart she opened the curtains. The leaves on the tree she could see from her bedroom window had all turned orange and it struck Sam that she had no idea what date it was. The past week and a bit felt like it had gone past so quickly and yet every day had felt excruciatingly slow. A shiver travelled up her spine and Sam wrapped her arms around herself subconsciously rubbing at the goosebumps on the exposed skin of her upper arms.

Glancing down she caught sight of the bruises on her wrists. They were a pale greeny-yellow now but still definitely there, their noticeable pattern unmistakeably caused with malicious intent. Sam felt a flash of terror travel through her body before she tried to remind herself that she was safe, her attacker was still locked up. She wished she could have more than a fleeting moment of rationality before the unwanted thoughts began to creep back into her brain. Last night had been the first night in a while when she'd felt truly relaxed. She and Tom had sat at the kitchen table after dinner talking about his day and like always he'd commented on her grandmother's pastry recipe and for a good hour thoughts of the attack and everything that came with it were well and truly pushed to the back of her mind.

Cruelly it was when Tom had tentatively suggested they watch a DVD that the pain in her ribs had inensified and the annoying pulling in her stomach had turned into a dull ache. The painkillers were becoming less effective the more she took and she was finding that times when the pain was numbed to the point it had been were becoming less and less. The resurgence of the pain had only served to jolt Sam back into the dark place she had been in all week and try as she might she just couldn't face the thought of sitting through a DVD. And with that had come the guilt. He'd tried to hide it but Tom's face when she'd declined to watch the film had disappointment written all over it.

She hated that she'd given him a glimmer of hope and then taken it away again. She felt guilty for taking his comfort and then giving nothing in return, expecially when she felt as if she really didn't deserve it. She knew he probably would have classed last night as a breakthrough but Sam just felt like she was back at square one. None of this was fair, but it was especially unfair on Tom and once again Sam found herself wondering why he was still sticking around and putting up with everything. She shivered again, this time from the cold breeze that forced its way through the gap in the window frame and turned quickly; heading for the bathroom to begin what had become her new routine.

When Sam came downstairs 45 minutes later, hair damp and skin still tender from her vicious scrubbing she found that Tom had laid out breakfast for the both of them and seemingly in ignorance of the fact he started work in half an hour he hadn't yet appeared to have eaten anything. More guilt coursed through her as she realised he must have waited for her to come down.

"You're going to be late," Sam said simply and as the words came out of her mouth she was suddenly aware of how ungrateful she sounded, "I mean, this is lovely, but you don't want Zoe on your back," she added, backing up the sentence with a plastered on smile that she was sure Tom would see straight through.

"I think I can handle Zoe Hanna," Tom replied with a small smile, "it's just fruit and yoghurt I didn't think you'd want anything heavy, " he said, spooning some out on to his dish.

Another pang of guilt rooted her to the spot. He was going to work a 12 hour shift on just fruit and yoghurt because he'd rightly guessed that after eating her first proper meal in days she would still be feeling rather full. She must have pulled a face because he was quick to reassure her.

"Oh don't worry I definitely ate that leftover mash _and _a bowl of cereal before you came down," he explained, pointing to the empty dishes in the sink that Sam had failed to see, "sit down," he said kindly as he poured a glass of orange juice for her.

"Thank you," Sam said quietly as she took her seat. She spooned a little bit of fruit and yoghurt into her bowl and mixed it together until the fruit was almost completely smashed up like she always did. She heard Tom chuckle and couldn't help but smile a bit herself. They ate in a comfortable silence for a while before Tom spoke.

"How are you feeling?" he asked tentatively.

Sam dropped her head slightly. The truth was, she was feeling terrible, on top of the guilt from last night and the pain that was nagging at her, she was beginning to feel a rising panic not unlike yesterday. Of course she had not gotten around to telling Tom about yesterday and revealing it 15 minutes before his shift wasn't going to be helpful.

"Yeah," she said, keeping her eyes averted, "just a bit of pain,"

Tom's eyes narrowed in concern, "Are you sure you're okay here on your own? I could try a-"

"No really I'm alright, I just need to take it easy today," Sam reassured him, hoping he would believe her.

"Alright," he said but something in his voice told Sam that he was 100 per cent convinced, "I'll have my phone on me, you call if you need anything okay?" he insisted.

"Okay,"

"I really should go now," Tom said, glancing up at the clock, "Are yo-"

"Yes," Sam smiled at him, "go."

Tom came around to Sam's side of the table and he must have seen how she tensed up slightly because all he did was put a bit more fruit into her bowl and give her a little smile.

"We'll get a takeaway or something tonight alright, don't stress yourself about dinner okay,"

"Okay… Tom," she called as he reached the front door, "thank you for breakfast,"

He turned and smiled at her before he left, that wide smile that she was sure she didn't deserve anymore and yet she found herself comforted by it anyway. Turning her attention back to the bowl of fruit she found that once again her appetite had disappeared and sighed as she tried to figure out how she was going to cope with the next 12 hours.

* * *

_Day 9: 12:31pm_

Despite her body telling her that she really should be resting, Sam's absolute terror at being left alone with her thoughts had forced her into pushing herself too hard. She'd spent the entire morning sorting out the boxes that had filled the tiny spare room ever since she'd moved in over a year ago. It had been her intention to make it into an office but she'd never had the time. But after 5 hours of moving boxes and files and numerous trips up and down the stairs Sam had finally reached her limit and she was sat on the bottom step; surrounded by a pile of papers that she had lost her grip on, trying not to cry.

The pain was rolling through her in waves and the deep breaths she was taking in an attempt to halt her tears was only exacerbating things. She was sure she hadn't been in this much pain since she'd been in the ED. Pushing through, keeping her mind and body busy was the only way she had ever coped with anything bad and now even her ability to do that was that was failing her.

She slammed her palm into the wall in frustration, almost grateful for the sharp pain it sent travelling up her arm. Every time she thought she was making progress, taking one tiny step forward, straight away it was like 6 steps back. It was like she was trapped in her own personal circle of hell. Sam bit her lip, determined that this time, despite the pain she would not let the tears fall. It worked for a while, she sat there stubbornly swallowing the lump in her throat as she tried to will her body to move but when her phone vibrated in her pocket it startled her so much that she lost the control she'd previously had.

The tears slid down her cheeks, hot and fast but there were no hysterics, no sobbing, just release from the pent up frustration that had been building in her. Sam fumbled with her phone, squinting through the tears to look at the caller ID, and prayed it wasn't Tom because he would definitely notice something was wrong. Seeing that it was in fact DI Myles she pressed the answer button despite the fact that talking to her was the last thing Sam really needed.

"Yes," Sam answered sharply.

"It's Detective Inspector Myles, is that Samantha?"

"Yes,"

"Hello Samantha, I'm just ringing to see if it's convenient for me to come around to your house to discuss some aspects of the case with you today? Of course you are free to come to the station instead I just thought it would be easier if I came to you,"

Sam moved the phone away from her ear and stared at it for a moment. She hadn't been prepared for the police to come round today at all. Especially not in the state she was in.

"Samantha, hello?" DI Myles' voice travelled through the tiny phone speaker.

"I'm here," Sam choked out, putting the phone back up to her ear, "today's not good,"

"This is really important, it would be best if we do it today," the detective insisted in a gentle but firm voice.

Sam could hear the insistence in her voice, and somewhere in the back of her mind a voice was telling her that she should probably agree with the detective, no matter how she was feeling. She just wished she wasn't alone.

"When?" Sam asked. She was aware she was giving one syllable answers and any other time she would have been embarrassed at her rudeness but the fact was that she was currently in so much pain and couldn't manage much more.

"In about half an hour if that's convenient?"

_No._

"Okay," Sam answered.

"I'll see you then."

Sam threw the phone on the floor in frustration and immediately regretted it, she'd have to pick it up… no she'd do that later. Bracing herself with her palms flat on the walls either side of her Sam attempted to push herself up off the step. The pain was radiating up from her stomach and up into her ribs. She had a horrible feeling that something was wrong but she pushed it away reassuring herself that she'd just pushed too far this morning. Sam let out an audible yelp as she got to her feet, she was almost bent double but it was a start. Shuffling her way slowly to the kitchen she was determined to get some painkillers into her before DI Myles turned up.

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**Thank you so much for reading :)**


	22. Breaking Point

**Hey guys, here's chapter 22. Two in two days ooh, I guess I'm making up for such a long gap between 19 and 20. I hope you enjoy this one, I do have chapter 23 already written in places so it shouldn't be too long a wait for the next update. As always thank you so so much for the reviews, I am so so grateful. Please leave a review and tell me what you did/didn't like. On with the show...**

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_Day 9: 1:34pm_

Sam was standing in the kitchen, leaning awkwardly against the counter. She was afraid that if she sat down then the pain would prevent her from getting up. Despite having taken her painkillers over half an hour before they'd done little but take the edge off of the pain in her stomach. She cursed herself again for pushing too hard that morning and looked at the clock reproachfully. DI Myles would be here any minute and she wanted to appear at least semi normal.

As she expected, the doorbell soon rang. Even though she was expecting a visitor, the ringing still caused a wave of fear to wash over her and it took her a couple of seconds before she even attempted to move.

"Who is it?" She called, hoping that it was loud enough to be heard through the door.

"It's DI Myles," came the familiar voice through the letterbox.

Slowly Sam made her way to the front door and after checking through the peephole a couple of times she felt ready to open it.

"Hello Samantha," the detective greeted as Sam stepped aside to let her in, "everything okay?" She asked as she noticed how tense Sam was.

"I'm fine and it's Sam, please" Sam replied, painfully moving as fast as she could to lead to DI into the kitchen. The seats there were higher and she knew she had more chance of getting in and out of them, "would you like a drink?" Sam asked. This was foreign to her, she'd never had a police officer in her house before and she wasn't sure what the etiquette was.

"Water's fine thank you," the DI replied with a small smile, "is there anyone at home with you?" she asked.

"No, but it's fine," Sam motioned for the DI to take a seat and wavered for a few seconds before she decided to try and sit down herself. Pain rippled through her and she inhaled sharply at the new movement. DI Myles cocked her head and looked at Sam for a few moments. The blonde didn't look at all well.

"I'll just try and make this quick," the detective said, "I can see you're not feeling too well,"

"I'm fine," Sam insisted, "I just overdid it this morning. What do you need to tell me?"

"We've identified the man who attacked you as Steven MacWilliam, age 41 from South Holby," DI Myles said gently, pausing to allow Sam to take in the information.

Sam's blood ran cold as she heard the name of her attacker. Up until now, even with his face imprinted on her memory, it had all felt a little bit surreal. Now she had a name to put to the face she found it didn't help at all, it only served to make the nightmare more real.

"Are you okay for me to continue Sam?" The DI asked softly, taken aback by how quickly the colour had drained from Sam's previously flushed face.

Sam merely nodded as she was currently unable to formulate any words to reply. She just wanted to get it over and done with as quickly as possible.

"We've gathered enough evidence to charge him with one count of rape,"

Sam shuddered at the word. It was so harsh and ugly. Just like the act. She wrapped her hand around her stomach as the sudden movement intensified her pain.

"One count of indecent assault and one count of aggravated assault with intent to cause bodily harm. Now we need to pass this information on to the CPS who will ultimately decide whether to prosecute but we're satisfied that there is more than enough evidence for a conviction on all three charges," DI Myles continued.

"Okay," Sam replied with as much enthusiasm as she could muster.

"This is good news Sam, oftentimes at this stage we don't really have much but we've built a really solid case. A lot of that has to do with your cooperation and your statement, you've done really well," she explained.

"But?" Sam asked. She hadn't failed to hear the hesitation in the detective's voice as she spoke, the sugary way in which she'd told Sam she'd done a good job.

DI Myles sighed and shot Sam a sympathetic look, "It's his first offence and his lawyer is pushing for bail release, I'm letting you know because you have a right to be informed but also-"

The detective's words were cut off when the chair opposite her was scraped back nosily and stood up, gripping her stomach with one arm and leaning on the table with the other.

"No," Sam whispered, shaking her head, "No he can't,"

"Sam, I know it's a shock," DI Myles said sympathetically, rising from her own chair. Sam looked as if she was set to collapse at any moment and the last thing she needed was that, "why don't you sit back down," she said gently, moving around to where Sam was standing. The detective placed her hand on Sam's shoulder and wasn't shocked to find that she was trembling.

"I'll get you some water," she said, after she had finally managed to coax Sam to sit back down. DI Myles was used to this kind of reaction, but she usually preferred if a friend or family member was there. She pulled the chair round to face Sam's and sat back down, taking a moment to decide how she was going to proceed.

"I'm sorry Sam I know that wasn't what you wanted to hear, but before the bail hearing there is something you can do. Do you remember we talked about a victim personal statement?"

Sam nodded slightly, vaguely aware that DI Myles had mentioned it after she'd given her statement. At the time writing another statement had been the last thing she'd wanted to think about.

"If you wanted to submit a VPS now, it will be taken into account at the bail hearing. Is that something you'd like to do?"

"Yes," Sam replied almost automatically. If there was anything she could do to keep the man who haunted her nightmares far away then she had to do it, regardless of how awful she was currently feeling, "when?"

"You can do it now if you're feeling up to it" DI Myles said.

Sam nodded again, "what do I need to do?" she asked as she tried to force the pain that was threatening to overwhelm her to the back of her thoughts.

"On this," the detective started, handing Sam a piece of headed paper, "write down in your own words what effect the attack has had on your life and how you would be affected if Mr MacWilliam was granted bail,"

Taking the paper and pen with shaking hands Sam fought to quell a rising feeling of nausea. She stared at the blank sheet and wondered how on earth she was going to be able to what DI Myles had just asked of her. She'd barely coped with the past few days by pushing as many of her memories away as she could and now she had to write them all down.

"Just take your time, I know it's difficult," DI Myles encouraged gently.

_Day 9: 2:32pm_

It had taken Sam well over 45 minutes to finish writing the statement and she was sure it was the hardest thing she'd ever done. DI Myles had sat quietly for the most part, giving soft encouraging words whenever Sam looked like she was ready to give up. It had taken all her of strength to write down how what Steven MacWilliam had done had completely taken over her life. She signed the bottom of the page with a vicious scribble and slid the paper back across the table.

"Who reads that?" Sam asked worriedly, suddenly aware that all of her deepest thoughts and fears were on that piece of paper.

"It will be filed in the court notes, the judge and both the defence and prosecution lawyers will have access to it," DI Myles explained.

"It won't be read out will it?" Sam questioned, "I don't want to hear it,"

"You're not at the bail hearing, you won't hear it," the detective reassured her, "and after that, it's your choice I it's used or not but we're not at that stage yet so you don't have to worry alright," she smiled, those same kind brown eyes that Sam had seen on the first day casting a reassuring glance at her.

"Okay," Sam sighed.

"Do you have any more questions?" the detective asked kindly as she filed away the statement into a folder, "anything you want to ask me?"

Sam shook her head, despite her mind being full of questions. She was far too tired and in far too much pain to sit and talk for much longer.

"Alright then," DI Myles said, getting to her feet, "I'll be in touch with the verdict, take care of yourself,"

Sam stood automatically to see the detective out but an intense pain in her stomach caused her to stop and grab the back of the chair.

"Sam are you alright?" DI Myles asked, cringing slightly as she could see the woman in front of her definitely wasn't okay.

"I'm… fine," Sam managed to choke out between painful gasps of air.

"No you're not, come on, let me help you into the living room," DI Myles suggested, looping her arm around Sam's shoulders, only for it to be thrown off.

"I'm okay I-" another pained gasp escaped Sam's lips before she seemed to crumple before the DI's eyes.

"Alright, easy," DI Myles said, catching Sam, before she completely fell to the floor. She eased them both down and made sure Sam was leaning against the table leg before she reached for her mobile.

"I'm going to call an ambulance," she informed Sam, who replied with a violent shaking of her head.

"I'm ok, I do-"Sam's words were cut off by a yelp as another wave of pain coursed through her "It'll pass,"

"I've sat here and watched you for the past hour, you're not very well," the detective said, pressing the back of her hand to Sam's forehead. It was much hotter than it should be, "You need an ambulance,"

Sam shook her head furiously though she knew it was futile, she brought her knees up to her chest in an attempt to stop the stabbing feeling in her lower stomach and closed her eyes. She was in excruciating pain yet the last thing she wanted to do was go to Holby ED and have people see her. Tom, god, Tom would be so worried. She was dimly aware of DI Myles talking to the ambulance operator but mostly she just tried to block out what was happening. She knew that all too soon she would be thrown back into reality.

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_Day 9: 2:54pm_

"She's through here," DI Myles said as she opened the door to the paramedics.

As they began to ask the detective a multitude of questions Sam realised it was Dixie and Jeff and relaxed just a little bit.

"Hello darling," Dixie greeted her warmly as she kneeled down in front of Sam, "what's going on?"

"Got a bit of pain," Sam whispered, still not opening her eyes.

"In your stomach?" Dixie asked, though she'd already been informed of this by ambulance control.

Sam nodded in response and she felt Jeff fit the blood pressure cuff to her arm and the pulse ox monitor on her finger. Dixie quickly took her temperature and inhaled sharply as the machine bleeped its result.

"Definitely got a fever kid," she remarked, "when did the pain start?" Dixie asked.

"I don't, erm, I don't know," Sam admitted, realising that there hadn't been a fixed point where this particular pain had started, it had just gotten steadily worse.

"BP's a bit high Dix," Jeff informed his partner.

"Just a bit of pain eh?" Dixie said softly, rubbing Sam's arm gently, "Why'd you leave it so long?"

"I'm going to get the chair," Jeff said, packing up the equipment he had been using.

Sam's eyes snapped open, pleading, and she shook her head, "I don't want to go,"

"I don't think that's an option Sam, if your friend hadn't been here who knows what would have happened,"

"She's not my friend," Sam answered and it came out much harsher than she'd intended it to.

Dixie shot a confused look at the detective who was standing awkwardly in the corner of the room, "Detective Inspector Myles," she introduced herself.

"Ah I see, erm, will you be coming in the ambulance?" Dixie asked awkwardly and Sam shook her head.

The detective seemed to let out a small sigh of relief at being let off of what was sure to have been an awkward journey, "I'll get these papers filed alright Sam, I'll let you know the news," DI Myles reassured her as she moved to leave, "I hope you feel better."

"I'm going to give you 5mg of morphine," Dixie told Sam as the detective left, "It should help with the pain,"

Sam merely nodded in response.

"Let's get a shift on then shall we princess?" Jeff announced as he entered the kitchen with the chair. Sam was grateful they hadn't tried to put her on a stretcher because she was sure she wouldn't be able to uncurl herself if she tried. She submitted to the helping hands of Jeff and Dixie as they lifted her off of the floor and got her in the wheelchair, too tired and in too much pain to be bothered by the feel of their hands on her.

When they'd loaded her into the ambulance and set off Sam closed her eyes as a morphine induced haze overcame her, momentarily numbing the pain that had been plaguing her for the past few days.

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**Thank you for reading :) x**


	23. Bedside Manner

**Hey guys, here's chapter 23. Now the original plan was for this to be 25 chapters long, it definitely wont be finished in two chapters time! Then I increased it to 30 but I can't see it finishing then either so if you're still with me now it's gonna be a bit of a long ride I'm afraid. I just wanna take a minute to say a massive thankyou for the reviews I've been getting for this fic. I can see the effort you guys put into writing them and I'm so so grateful, so thankyou for those. And on that note, I'd love to hear your comments on this slightly longer than usual chapter :) On with the show...**

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_Day 9: 3:12pm_

Sam didn't register much of the ambulance journey due to the morphine that had all but knocked her out. The pain was still there but it felt far away, like a dull ache rather than the crippling agony of before. She was curled up on her side on the ambulance trolley that Dixie had managed to coax her onto and she had to admit it was much more comfortable than the chair they'd got her out of her house in.

As the vehicle stopped, Sam felt a wave of nausea overtake her as she realised where she was. Even through her drowsiness she felt a sense of dread at going into the ED. She didn't know if Zoe was working, and Tom would definitely be there. He would only blame himself for this, Sam already knew. Especially when he'd offered to try and stay at home and she'd told him she was fine. Still, Sam realised that even if it would have been helpful, there was no way to keep her pending admittance to the ED a secret from him.

"Dixie," she croaked to the paramedic who was busy noting down the next set of obs on a sheet of paper.

"Yeah,"

"Can you let Tom know?" Sam asked quietly, "I don't want him to find out second hand,"

"Of course," Dixie smiled, "let's get going," she said as Jeff opened the back doors of the ambulance.

A brief flash of the cool October air pulled Sam a little further out of her drug induced haze as she was unloaded from the ambulance and taken into the bustling ED. She was momentarily reassured when she saw Tess run over but as Dixie began reeling off her blood pressure and other details her heart sank as Ash joined them. She had been hoping for Zoe.

"You're not having a good week are you Sam," Ash noted with sympathy in his voice as he took the ambulance notes from Dixie and glanced over them. Sam didn't bother to reply but just pushed her face further into the pillow. She realised that while Ash didn't know the full reason why she'd been off work, he would soon enough when he pulled up her notes.

"Let's go through to CDU, resus is full at the moment," Ash said.

"Dixie," Sam said, tugging on the paramedic's sleeve to get her attention, "can you get Tom please?" she asked again, afraid that Dixie had forgotten.

"I will, just let us get you settled alright? Dixie reassured her as they arrived in CDU.

Sam insisted on making her own way from the trolley onto the bed despite the effort it took her. She batted Ash's hand away as he attempted to lift the blankets and he recoiled, a confused look on his face at her strange behaviour. He turned to Tess and instructed that she repeat Sam's blood pressure and temperature readings and take a blood sample.

"I'll go and get your notes and then I'll be back," he said, hoping that when he returned Sam would be more settled and cooperative.

"Is Zoe here?" Sam asked, attempting to push herself up in the bed but only getting halfway before a wave of pain forced her back down.

"Steady on Sam, just lie still, I need to take this blood sample," Tess said, rubbing Sam's arm gently, "I think she's going to a meeting,"

"Can you get her?" Sam asked, with a desperation in her voice that Tess couldn't ignore, "please,"

"Let me finish this," Tess replied calmly, "then I'll go and see if she's free, if she's not though I'm afraid it's going to have to be Dr Ashford," she said sympathetically. Tess understood Sam's reasons for wanting Zoe, though she hadn't spoken them aloud. The fear in her eyes was enough. But in a busy ED it wasn't usually possible to pick and choose your doctor.

In the end though Tess didn't even have to bother going to find Zoe because the aforementioned doctor came bursting into CDU haphazardly holding a stack of papers and on top of them, a file which Sam resumed contained her notes. She breathed a silent sigh of relief.

"I saw your name on the admissions board, what's going on?" Zoe said as she dumped the files at the foot of Sam's bed.

"Doctor Ashford has the-" Tess started before Zoe held up the ambulance notes, "never mind, I'll get this sent up to pathology," she said, gathering up the small vials of blood she had just taken from Sam's arm.

Zoe pulled the curtain around Sam's bed, shutting the pair of them out from the rest of CDU.

"What about your meeting?" Sam asked quietly as Zoe flipped through the notes Dixie had made in the ambulance.

"Oh you know me, anything to escape the bureaucracy," Zoe smiled gently at her.

"Thank you," Sam said, and even through her pain she still felt a flush of embarrassment at the way she had acted with Ash. It was totally out of character. No wonder he had looked so confused, "Where's Tom?"

"He's working on a patient in resus, I've asked a nurse to tell him as soon as he's finished okay," Zoe reassured her, "is it okay if I examine you?" Zoe asked, rubbing her hands together, "sorry if my hands are cold," she apologised as Sam nodded her consent.

Zoe folded down the blankets and lifted Sam's top and was pleasantly surprised to see how quickly the bruises that had covered her ribs had healed. Most of them had faded from their previously angry purple colour to a sickly green.

"Any pain here?" Zoe asked, pressing gently on either side of Sam's ribs.

"A bit," Sam replied, but Zoe could see from the way she reacted to the touch that her ribs definitely weren't the source of the pain that had sent Sam's blood pressure shooting through the roof.

"How about here?" she asked, moving her hands slightly. Sam winced a bit but shook her head.

When Zoe move to feel her lower abdomen Sam let out a pained yelp and if she hadn't been trapped between the bed and Zoe's hands she would have flinched away. Sam's eyes filled with tears at the sudden increase in pain and Zoe withdrew her hands almost immediately.

"Sorry," Zoe apologised. She frowned and looked at the ambulance notes again, "Sam you told Dixie the pain was in your stomach, you know the difference between stomach and lower abdominal pain,"

"I just… I got confused," Sam lied feebly, but she could tell that Zoe was already ten steps ahead of her.

"It's me you're talking to" Zoe said softly, "when did the pain start?" she asked.

"I don't know," Sam replied, her face tight with pain, "it's been worse the past two days, I thought I was just doing too much." Sam shook her head slightly and sighed and it was obvious to Zoe that she was frustrated with herself.

"Have you had any bleeding?" Zoe asked gently, to which Sam just closed her eyes and sighed again, "Sam talk to me,"

"Yes," the blonde finally replied, taking a deep breath as another wave of pain washed over her.

"How long?"

"It…it never stopped," Sam admitted, keeping her eyes closed so she didn't have to see the shock she knew would be on Zoe's face.

"I can't believe this wasn't picked up at your check up appointment," Zoe huffed, flicking to the first page of Sam's notes. Sam opened her mouth to speak but Zoe had already seen the evidence, "oh Sam… you didn't go," she stated simply as she put the folder back on top of the pile, "I need to page someone from gynae to come down and examine you prop-"

"No," Sam pleaded, shaking her head, "please,"

"Sam listen to me, I know it's probably the last thing you want, and I do understand your reasons for not going to the check up but this is serious. You've more than likely got an infection that's spread to your womb. You know how serious this can be," Zoe said firmly, but the sight of how distressed Sam was quashed any anger at her however unwise her actions had been.

Sam screwed her eyes shut tighter but it didn't stop the tears as they began to spill out from behind her closed lids. She knew she should have gone for the check up, but just reading the details of the letter for the appointment had made her sick with fear. She'd shoved the offending document deep down into the rubbish bin so Tom wouldn't find it and then she'd pushed the thought of it out of her head. It had occurred to her briefly last night that the pain and bleeding she was experiencing wasn't normal but she'd ignored it anyway and now here she was in excruciating pain with a serious infection and it was all her own fault.

"Can't you just start me on antibiotics?" Sam asked, wiping furiously at the tears that insisted on falling.

"It's not standard protocol Sam, I'm sorry. You need to be seen by someone from gynae and they'll probably keep you overnight," Zoe hated delivering this news to Sam, she could see how upset it was making her and yet she knew that she couldn't bend the rules just because Sam was her friend. Sam didn't reply, instead she turned away from Zoe, curling up on her side like she had done on the ambulance ride.

"I'm going to get Tess to give you some more pain relief," Zoe announced, though she didn't expect a response. She sighed softly and picked up her pile of folders and made for the exit. Zoe was almost knocked over by Tom who came barrelling around the corner as if he were being chased.

"Woah steady on," Zoe said, rearranging the heavy files in her arms.

"Where is she?" Tom asked, slightly breathless.

"Bed 3, she's not… she's not doing great at the moment," Zoe informed him with a slight grimace, "and before you ask, I can't tell you what's wrong, you're her relative not her doctor," she said, anticipating his next question, "Tom, if you're needed you'll have to come back, we're already a doctor down and I've got to at least show my face at this meeting," Zoe sighed apologetically. She truly felt like the bearer of bad news today.

"Fine, fine, I've got my pager on me," Tom said, before he took off in the direction of bed 3.

Tom stopped about 2 feet away from the curtained off cubicle that Sam was in. He could hear quiet sniffles and he knew that Sam was crying. He hesitated for a moment, wondering whether or not he should actually go in and let her know he was there. Apart from her uncharacteristic outbursts a few days ago he was aware that Sam hadn't let him see her cry. Even before all of this had happened she was very private with her emotions and he didn't know if she would appreciate his presence or not. He had a sinking feeling though that she had been keeping her recent tears from him not for want of privacy but to protect him. She'd been trying to protect him while he was supposed to be protecting her. Tom took a deep breath and drew back the curtain just enough for him to step through.

"Sam, it's me," he said softly, drawing the curtain back across behind him. She was lying with her back towards him, her shoulders shaking with the obvious effort of trying to keep her sobs quiet.

"Hey," he whispered, walking around to the other side of the bed. His heart broke as he saw the pain that was clearly etched on Sam's face and the tears that had managed to soak the pillow she was resting her head on.

"Why didn't you tell me the pain was this bad?" Tom asked gently, his mind flicking back to last night when Sam had gone to bed because the pain was bothering her. She'd not even given an inkling that it was this bad.

"I thought I could handle it," she replied in a wobbly voice, wiping her face, "I didn't want to worry you,"

There she was again, trying to protect him, Tom thought. He shook his head as he realised he'd gone back to work too early; he should have fought for more time off. He should have known that Sam was going to pretend to be coping better than she actually was for the sake of him.

"Well I'm worried now," Tom said, but there was not even the slightest trace of anger or irritation in his voice, just concern, "what did Zoe say?"

"I've got an infection and probably have to stay overnight," she said quietly, "I'm sorry." A fresh round of tears threatened to fall as Sam tried her hardest to blink them back.

"You've got nothing to be sorry for," Tom insisted, flashing Sam a small smile, "I'm just glad we've got you in good hands now," he reached tentatively to brush some stray strands of hair away from her flushed, damp cheek and was pleasantly surprised when Sam covered his hand with her own, keeping it where it was.

"Don't cry," he soothed, running his thumb gently across Sam's warm cheek, "I'm here, it's okay."

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_Day 10: 11:45am_

The previous afternoon, Tom had been called back to resus before Sam had been seen by the on call gynaecologist in CDU but looking back on it she was grateful because the scene she had made when she'd refused to be examined by the unfriendly male consultant was something he was better off not seeing. It was lucky that Zoe had arrived when she had but it had taken her and Tess twenty minutes to calm Sam down. Sam realised that her extreme reaction was probably due to the combined effects of a fever, pain and the morphine as well as her underlying fear, but she had never felt less like herself than in that moment.

After having the situation explained to him by a very patient Zoe, the consultant had agreed with her initial diagnosis and admitted Sam for 24 hours to receive broad spectrum IV antibiotics and to manage her pain and agreed that because of her obvious distress Sam wouldn't have to have a further examination unless her pain got worse. Sam had spent the remainder of the afternoon on the ward biting her lip against the pain every time the nurse came to take her hourly obs. Tom hadn't been able to get up to the ward until his shift finished at 7 but by then she had been fast asleep, a combination of the antibiotics, morphine and sheer exhaustion finally taking its toll. He'd pulled up the chair close to her bed and held her hand, muttering soothing words to her every time she stirred.

As Sam watched Tom sleeping in the uncomfortable chair, his head leant awkwardly on to his chest, she couldn't help but feel incredibly guilty. She had been pretty out of it last night but he had definitely been awake every time the nurse had come to take her obs. She'd panicked so much the first time the nurse shook her awake that he'd taken to waking her himself every hour just before the nurse was due to come in. He'd finally fallen asleep at 9am, around the point where sleep was no longer an option for Sam. The antibiotics made her nauseous and they'd decreased her morphine so the pain was back to a bearable but dull ache.

Sam knew he had another shift at 7pm and he hadn't even left the hospital yet and had had about 2 hours of poor sleep in 36 hours. She wanted to wake him to tell him to go home but she knew that he wouldn't, and there was another, more selfish part of her that wanted him to stay so that she wouldn't be alone. A light tap on the door drew Sam's attention away from Tom and she saw Zoe waving at her through the window.

Sam waved Zoe in but pressed a finger to her lips to indicate that she should keep quiet.

"How long's he been asleep like that for?" Zoe whispered, pointing at a softly snoring Tom.

"About 2 and a half hours," Sam replied quietly to which Zoe grimaced.

"And how are you feeling?" Zoe asked, but she picked up Sam's chart and flipped through it as well. She saw that her fever had broken at half 7, that was a good sign, and she was responding well to the antibiotics.

"I'm alright," Sam said, "bit sore, bit nauseous, more sane," she quipped lightly, referring to the incident in CDU.

Zoe's face was a mask of sympathy and she sighed, "Sam I am so sorry about yesterday, if I had known who was on call I would have been there when he came down, I-"

"Zoe it's fine. I overreacted because of the situation," Sam gave her a weak smile, "honestly, it's alright,"

"I'm still sorry," Zoe replied, perching herself delicately on the edge of Sam's bed, "I would have come with you you know, to that appointment," she said sincerely, and Sam didn't doubt her for a second.

"I know," Sam sighed, running her hand through her hair exasperatedly, "I just didn't want-"

"You didn't want to bother me," Zoe knowingly finished for her, "Sam you need to realise that you have people around you that want to help, you're not a bother, not to me, especially not to him," Zoe said, pointing to Tom who was still sound asleep, "as much as I now you want to, you can't do this on your own,"

"I know," Sam said, but in her mind she was thinking that it was easier said than done. It would be easier to accept people's help if she didn't feel so terribly guilty all the time.

"I have to run, but what I came up for, apart from to see how you were doing is to tell you that Doctor Bayliss is going to cover Tom's shift tonight, so he doesn't have to worry about that. They'll probably discharge you tonight, let Tom look after you a little bit," Zoe suggested, "Let him know he's needed,"

Sam couldn't help the burst of gratitude she felt for Zoe and on instinct she leant forward and pulled her into a light hug. Later she'd probably blame it on the morphine.

"Thank you Zoe."

**Thankyou so much for reading! Tom's been pretty patient so far hasn't he? I think so. But how long for? Stayed tuned for chapter 24 :D**


	24. Semblence of Normality

**Hey guys, here's chapter 24. Thank you so much for the reviews, I definitely owe a lot of you reviews back for your wonderful fics. There's been such good quality stuff being uploaded recently and it's a pleasure to read. If you haven't already, I really recommend reading 'Remembrance Rose', 'Guilty Thoughts', 'Betrayal' and one of my very favourites, 'Painful Reminder' which has just been updated too. Big thank you to Beth for her continual motivation which led to the finishing of this chapter tonight :) Please leave a review and I hope you enjoy reading :)**

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_Day 10: 5:23pm_

Tom woke with a start and was immediately greeted by a dull ache in his neck and shoulder. Wincing, he rolled his head, stretched out his arms and groaned, which earned him a small chuckle from Sam. He turned to face her, and was relieved to see that she looked so much better than yesterday.

"Good afternoon," she said. Tom's sleepy face was one of her favourite things about him and right now his hair was adorably unkempt and she couldn't help that smile that formed at the sight of him.

"Good afternoon to you too," he smiled back, happy to see the smile on Sam's own face, "wait… what time is it?" he asked suddenly, whipping his head around the room looking for a clock, forgetting that he had a watch on.

"About 5:30," Sam replied, checking the clock on the monitor by her bed, "but don't worry about your shift, Zoe came up earlier, Bayliss is covering it," she explained, and his panic soon abated.

"I'll have to thank him the next time I see him… I slept through you and Zoe nattering?" he asked cheekily, standing up and stretching the rest of his body.

"Yes and also through Doctor Neville telling me I can go home tonight, as long as all my last obs are okay," Sam said

"Why didn't you wake me?" Tom asked, feeling guilty for having slept through.

"Because you were awake all night for me and you needed to sleep, plus you were completely out of it," Sam explained with a small smile.

"I guess I was," he said, rubbing a tender spot on his neck, "it's good news that they're letting you out today though,"

"Yeah, I always hated being a patient," Sam moaned, motioning to the IV line in her arm, "got a course of oral antibiotics for 7 days but that's not too bad," she sighed, "I'm sorry… for worrying you," Sam apologised, giving him a sheepish look.

"Don't apologise," he said shaking his head, "what's done is done, I'm just glad you're alright… just maybe let me know if there's anything else," he said quietly, "I'm here,"

"I know," Sam smiled slightly at him, "I'll try and be less stubborn,"

She really would have to, Sam thought. All Tom had been was patient with her and yesterday her stubbornness and refusal to admit she needed help put her in a dangerous situation. She was a doctor, she wasn't stupid. As well as having the potential to have developed into life threatening septicaemia, the infection might have affected her fertility. That was something she'd have to discuss with her gynaecologist. A shiver ran down her spine as she thought about that, the appointment wasn't for a couple of weeks but it still made her feel sick.

"Are you cold?" Tom asked, noticing her shiver and he moved to get the extra blanket from the end of the bed.

"No, no," Sam reassured him, pushing the thought out of her head, "just a shiver,"

"Look," Tom said quietly, settling himself back down into the high backed chair, "how about you stay at mine tonight?" he asked tentatively.

Like he'd predicted, Sam looked a little panicked at the suggestion. He'd expected it, after all she'd pretty much had the same routine now for a week and a half.

"It's just, my flat is closer, and there's no stairs," he explained, "I thought you could be doing without stairs. Everything else will be the same, I'll sleep in the living room," he reassured her.

Sam let out a sigh of relief. She felt so stupid, it was Tom who she needed to come and pull her out of her nightmares but the thought of him sleeping in the same bed as her made her so uncomfortable. It made no sense, but she was grateful that he seemed to understand without her having to try and explain

"Okay," Sam agreed shakily. She had to admit she hadn't been forward to navigating the stairs in her house at all, "I'll sleep on the sofa though, it's alright," she said, feeling guilty that Ton was going to be relegated to the sofa in his own flat.

"Oh I don't think so, not when you're not well," Tom argued, shaking his head, "No buts," he added when he saw Sam about to protest.

Sam bit her lip in frustration but he cracked one of his grins at her and she couldn't help but smile back at him. That was how he always got his way, she was a sucker for that smile.

* * *

_Day 10: 7:12pm_

It had taken a surprisingly short amount of time for the ward sister to sort the discharge paperwork and make sure Sam had all her medications and instructions. Despite knowing that Sam herself was a doctor, the nurse had been very thorough and Tom had had to bite his lip to keep himself from laughing at the indignant look on Sam's face. Once they'd settled in the car he turned to face her and was concerned to find her clutching her abdomen in pain.

"Sam are your sure you were ready to come home?" he asked worriedly, placing his hand lightly on her shoulder, "we can go back," he offered, though he already knew what her answer would be. If she could have run out of that hospital ward Tom was sure she would have.

She shook her head, "I'm fine," she said in a quiet voice, "they said I'd have some pain. There's some cocodamol in that bag I'll take some when we get back to yours,"

She really was feeling better. It wasn't a constant pain like it had been before but just an occasional sharp pain that took her breath away but was gone as soon as it came. All she really wanted to do was get back to Tom's quickly and have a shower, she hadn't been well enough in the hospital to be allowed one.

"All right then, let's get going," Tom said as he pulled out of the hospital. "I was thinking we could get a takeaway, maybe Thai, if you're feeling up for it?" Tom asked, glancing over to check on Sam as he pulled up at a red light.

At the mere mention of food Sam's stomach grumbled. She hadn't eaten since breakfast yesterday, she had been too nauseous from the antibiotics and hadn't been able to stomach the hospital food.

"Sounds good," she said quietly, hoping she would still have enough time to get herself settled before the food came. Sam found herself making a promise to try and keep up this bit of normality she seemed to have gotten back with Tom during the past couple of hours. It was less awkward than it had been since the start of this whole mess.

The rest of the journey back to Tom's was relatively quiet, the silence filled by the soft sounds of James Blunt. It was an unusual choice for Tom, who was more likely to be blaring out something by a Swedish DJ Sam had never heard of.

Seemingly unaware, Tom began to sing along with one of the songs and Sam suppressed a chuckle. "James Blunt?" she said, raising her eyebrow in amusement, "when did you start willingly listening to James Blunt?"

"Since you moaned that listening to Scooter makes me drive too fast," he chuckled, "I nicked it from your CD player,"

"It does make you drive too fast," Sam retorted slapping him lightly on the leg, "and I want it back,"

Usually the slap he had gotten from Sam would have earned her a playful swat back but Tom was overly aware that it probably wouldn't be appreciated. He settled for mocking her instead, making sure she could see the faces he was pulling.

"You're an idiot," she laughed as they pulled up on Tom's road.

Luckily he'd managed to find a parking space right outside his ground floor flat so it meant Sam didn't have very far to walk at all. Once they'd got inside Tom went straight to the kitchen to get the takeaway menu.

"Are you alright with Thai or do you want something else?" he asked, flipping through the colourful pages.

"No Thai sounds lovely," Sam smiled, "I'll have the vegetable coconut curry and steamed rice, 25 and 74" she said, not even needing to look at the menu. Even though her stomach was protesting in hunger she knew better than to order something overly rich and greasy, "are you okay to order it?" she asked, "I'm just going to take a shower,"

"Yeah that's fine," Tom nodded, "Sam," he called out as she started to walk down the hall to the bathroom, "don't have it too hot," he warned. He knew he was on the verge of sounding patronising, but she was still weak and he knew just how hot she had her showers, he'd been there when the steam was snaking out from under the bathroom door.

"I won't," she replied, though she didn't turn back to face him. Her flippant reply did little to reassure him but Tom decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. The last thing Sam needed after a stressful couple of days was him on her back. He decided on a red chicken curry and spicy rice and picked up the phone to order the food.

* * *

As she stopped outside the bathroom, Sam suddenly realised she hadn't got anything to get changed into to. She turned and went into Tom's bedroom and opened the drawer where she kept her clothes. She sighed as she picked through the clothes, realising she had very little that was suitable for a night in front of the TV with a takeaway. She got out some clean underwear, then pushed the drawer full of tank tops and little shorts shut with a little more force than necessary. Sam knew she had more clothes hanging in the wardrobe but the last thing she felt like wearing, let alone sleeping in was skinny jeans.

She moved over to the other chest of drawers and opened the bottom one to find Ton's rarely used gym clothes. Despite the fact they would be ridiculously big on her Sam pulled out a pair of joggers with a drawstring waist and a long sleeved t shirt. Without realising what she was doing she pressed her nose into the soft material of the t shirt, inhaling in the unique scent that all of Tom's clothes had. It made her feel warm and comfortable and a small smile spread across her face.

A sharp stabbing pain pulled Sam out of her reverie and sighing, she gathered the clothes into a bundle and made her way back to the bathroom. Making sure to lock the door behind her she reached to turn on the shower. Tom's words echoed in her ears as Sam turned the temperature dial. She knew that she was still weak, she definitely still felt worse for wear but the overwhelming need to scrub her skin clean meant she couldn't help herself from putting the temperature slightly higher than she should. She undressed and stepped into the hot spray of the shower. Initially she gasped at the pressure, she'd forgotten that Tom had a power shower, but she soon found the pummelling water soothing as she started the meticulous cleansing of her body.

* * *

Tom sat in the living room half watching Eastenders but his attention was mostly focused on a new game Fletch had downloaded onto his phone. He groaned in frustration as he once again failed to spell 'patience' quickly enough to save the little cartoon car from the oncoming train. He'd only been playing it for a couple of days but he was well and truly addicted. As the little characters once again danced to taunt his demise, he glanced up at the clock. Sam had been in the shower for about half an hour. Not that that was unusual for her recently but Tom was still quietly concerned as she was far from a hundred per cent well. He restarted his game one more time and decided he would go and check on her when he lost again, which wouldn't be long.

Tom had only lost one life when he heard the unmistakable crash coming from the bathroom. He sprang up out of the chair, his phone suddenly forgotten and flung carelessly on to the floor. "Sam," he called out, running up the hall to the bathroom, "Sam,"

Getting no answer he banged on the door, "Sam," he called again, "are you okay?" again he got no answer. He twisted the door knob but he'd already anticipated that it would be locked.

"Sam," he called again, the panic now evident in his voice. He took a couple of steps back from the door and squared his shoulder. Gritting his teeth as he anticipated the pain he rammed against the door, the flimsy MDF yielding at his first attempt. As he came bursting into the bathroom he saw Sam standing in the shower, shampoo and shower gel bottles around her feet.

He realised in a split second what had happened, she'd knocked the shelf of bottles over and that had been the crash he'd heard. The she hadn't been able to hear him calling and knocking over the roaring of the shower. Tom knew he should leave, that he should immediately get out but he found his eyes fixed in shock on the remains of the bruises that mottled her torso. His blood boiled, if they were that bad now, God knows what they had been like a week ago.

Sam dropped the shampoo bottle she'd been holding and her expression was caught somewhere between shame and absolute terror. They were both rooted to the spot, momentarily too stunned to move, but Sam was the quickest to react.

"GET OUT," she screamed at Tom, turning around and trying to cover herself. Her movement only served to give Tom a view of the scratches and cuts on her back and still he stared in horror.

"GET OUT. GET OUT,"

"Sam I…" he started, backing out of the bathroom, "I'm sorry," he whispered, finally exiting and pulling the door closed behind him as much as it would go.

He could hear her sobbing as he walked back down the hallway. He was absolutely seething. Up until now Tom had only seen the Sam's facial injuries and the bruises on her arms. He clenched his fists in fury, his anger was almost blinding him but there was a rational part of him deep down that realised exactly what had just happened and the seriousness of the situation. The last thing Sam needed after that was for him to fly off the handle. Tom's fingernails cut viciously into his palms as he paced around the living room in an attempt to calm himself down.

* * *

**Thankyou so much for reading :) x**


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